Case study of confronting the other woman:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To expose my husband’s lies (he told her that our marriage was over & he was no longer intimate with me) and discover the truth about their affair. Also to to try to convince her to leave my husband and appeal to her that she was damaging our family and hurting my daughter.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

The other woman was more than happy to share the details of the affair and the lies my husband told her, asked me many questions, and tried to find out why he would lie to her while continuing to tell me he wanted to save our marriage. The affair continued no matter how many times I talked to her over a period of at least 2 years. I believe the affair continues to this day, though my husband and I are now separated.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I don’t know. I learned a great deal about the truth of what had been going on from the other woman, and I wanted the truth but was only getting lies from my husband. However, contacting the other woman did not end the affair in each of the three times that we talked. The other woman is aware that my husband has lied to her since their affair began, but that does not seem to be enough to break her addiction.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Contacting the other person may be a legitimate way to discover the truth that you want. In essence you are setting the other person against your spouse. From that the truth – the extent of the affair, the nature of the relationship, etc – may emerge. It may mean you must read between the lines since personal distortions often exist in infidelity.

2. Sounds like the other woman was very willing to share the details. I wonder what’s with that?? What does that say about her?
The only way to achieve clarity on that would be to pursue a relationship with her. But then, that most likely would be a disaster.

3. Appealing to the goodness of the other person to end the affair is usually a losing proposition. Extramarital affairs and those who engage in them, at that point in their lives, at least, have little regard for what is appropriate or the welfare of others.