Healing Marriage After the Affair

April 22, 2009 by 2 Comments

Awareness of the other person is the beginning point for a healthy relationship. Sometimes an affair is a wakeup call for those who drifted apart.

Read what this person says:

We let everything out, we talked…yelled…cried…but finally we were able to let each other know how we felt, and we found out that we were both so involved in ourselves that we didn’t even know what was going on with the other person. I had no idea that my husband was so unhappy, he got fired, started a job he hated and felt like I had pulled away, and that he was a failure. That’s when he started looking to have an affair, it started as just chat online and progressed from there. he started to blame me for everything that was wrong in his life, but keep his feelings to himself, I had no idea he felt that way. I on the other hand was so wrapped up in my job, which brought in most of our money, so I thought it was the more important than anything. And also with my friends from work, who made me feel great, I was always busy doing and going that I had no idea he thought anything was wrong, we both got wrapped up in ourselves. When I found out about the affair nearly killed us, it totally destroyed the relationship I thought we had, and for awhile we kept trying to go back, but finally we realized that we couldn’t go back, nor did I want to, now we are trying to moving forward, by building a new relationship, where we spend time together, and enjoy each other and our jobs come second, it is slow process. It still hurts, just not everyday..all the time.. now it’s once or twice a week, and with time hopefully it will become less. But the pain is harsh, it is almost physical pain and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I don’t ingore the pain, we talk about it sometimes or sometimes I just need to cry, because an affair is almost like someone died, to me it felt like it, the person I thought my husband was died, and so now I am with a new person and I haven’t decided if I will continue with him or not, I haven’t made a forever decision I did that once and it didn’t work, now I make a daily decision, so far it has worked for me. One day at a time, is all I can handle, we make plans but only a few months out, I can’t think any further than that. It’s been 2 years now and I have finally gotten to the point where I don’t always wonder if he’s being truthful or if he’s doing what he says he’s doing, the worst part of an affair isn’t the affair, it’s what your mind does to you after you find out.

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Healing the Marriage after Infidelity: Baby Steps

April 8, 2009 by 1 Comment

Ever see the movie, “What about Bob?” Enjoyable movie that I’ve taken a bunch of flak for over the years… in a good way.

Baby steps… remember? Sage advice really.

And, how many of us in the throes of infidelity want to take “baby steps?”

Not many.

We want the pain to go away now and we want resolution now.

That’s not reality, however.

It’s the small steps that begin the process and build on each other. Read what this person says while beginning to delve into my ebook: Marriage Makeover:

“(we are just starting and he still knows nothing about this book or info) 1. The process has just started by my getting the book, and trying to gain the needed information, reading it, understanding the affair, and putting everything into perspective, trying to absorb all of the info and putting into practice the things that I learned and watching the results. 2. we took a vacation…. the op still tried to call his cell, but he ignored it…, but we just had fun and spent time…. “neutral” so to speak, just doing something different to see if we still enjoyed each others company or not…. We had a good time, part of it I would go ahead and go swimming by myself and shopping by myself, and just left him in the room. Or I did window shopping by myself so he could see that I didn’t have to be “attached” to him to have a good time… it helped me too… also, I stopped holding his hand instead I would just walk beside him. He started to reach out for me more often. I learned to not “expect” anything and to bite the sides of my mouth if I had to in order to be more control of what I really want to say… 3. my changed responses and reactions to his typical insults and rudeness did cause him to have to change his responses…. and actions. He doesn’t know that he is not the one in charge of the situation right now…. He still thinks that he is in control, but he is still so out of control and focus…. this does give me the strength I need to take care of myself and my daughter and to make a plan and decisions that I need… so as a couple we have a long way to go, but he has started to make future plans for “us”, like a 10 year commitment in a time share, a new security system that will take time to pay off, and up-grading our health insurance policies for better coverage… and talking about his possible upcoming promotion and the possibity that I may be able to work less and be home more… (which is one thing he really needs and that is for me to be home for him when he is off work.) Note * your information is right on…. while no one else seems to think that a marriage can be saved or worth it…. you and your information does offer another solution to choose from… thatnks… the things that I have tried do work… I still don’t know if it will work, but it is certainly worth a try…. I have already invested 16 years into this “relationship” and so why not try something new that might help… thanks for all you do.

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Infidelity: Healing the Marriage

February 25, 2009 by Leave a Comment

How does one go about healing the marriage or relationship when in the throes of infidelity?

The scenario below gives some examples. But, first, allow a couple comments need to be made about her words.

This person stopped a major pattern in the relationship, that of being reactive to him. As she said, she stopped slinging mud.

Slinging mud does no good. It invites either a counter attack, meaningless accommodation or withdrawal. Now, if one is angry, hurt, upset, you have every right to state your feelings and what you experience in your present situation.

But, from my experience, when in the middle of dealing with an affair, your spouse or partner has no capacity to empathize or listen the way you would like. Often you are wasting your breath.

Changing your pattern of behavior, changing your action can be much more powerful… but more difficult as well. ‘Cause sometimes you really want to rip, don’t you?

Also the type of response to your cheating spouse depends on the type of affair and severity of the dysfunction. In the scenario below, there was a kernel of connection between the two of them that was a starting point.

Here’s my question:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

1. I just backed off. I listened about the other person and heard the areas where there was a void that was filled. 2. Since I didn’t do a lot of good things through this, I don’t sling mud over the transgression. This has helped a lot with opening the doors to meaningful conversation without arguments or sore feelings that would undue months of work. 3. I am in no hurry to fall back into old patterns. So when he is ready to come home, great. If not, then he can continue to stay in his apartment and we will just continue to date. Since he hasn’t expressed interest in seeing his son too much, am not forcing them to be together. We’ll work on us first then our son.

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