After the Affair: Healing the Marriage

January 12, 2009 by 1 Comment

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

(we are just starting and he still knows nothing about this book or info) 1. The process has just started by my getting the book, and trying to gain the needed information, reading it, understanding the affair, and putting everything into perspective, trying to absorb all of the info and putting into practice the things that I learned and watching the results. 2. we took a vacation…. the op still tried to call his cell, but he ignored it…, but we just had fun and spent time…. “neutral” so to speak, just doing something different to see if we still enjoyed each others company or not…. We had a good time, part of it I would go ahead and go swimming by myself and shopping by myself, and just left him in the room. Or I did window shopping by myself so he could see that I didn’t have to be “attached” to him to have a good time… it helped me too… also, I stopped holding his hand instead I would just walk beside him. He started to reach out for me more often. I learned to not “expect” anything and to bite the sides of my mouth if I had to in order to be more control of what I really want to say… 3. my changed responses and reactions to his typical insults and rudeness did cause him to have to change his responses…. and actions. He doesn’t know that he is not the one in charge of the situation right now…. He still thinks that he is in control, but he is still so out of control and focus…. this does give me the strength I need to take care of myself and my daughter and to make a plan and decisions that I need… so as a couple we have a long way to go, but he has started to make future plans for “us”, like a 10 year commitment in a time share, a new security system that will take time to pay off, and up-grading our health insurance policies for better coverage… and talking about his possible upcoming promotion and the possibity that I may be able to work less and be home more… (which is one thing he really needs and that is for me to be home for him when he is off work.) Note * your information is right on…. while no one else seems to think that a marriage can be saved or worth it…. you and your information does offer another solution to choose from… thatnks… the things that I have tried do work… I still don’t know if it will work, but it is certainly worth a try…. I have already invested 16 years into this “relationship” and so why not try something new that might help… thanks for all you do.

Filed Under: After the Affair Tagged With: , ,

After the Affair: Healing the Marriage

January 9, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Here are some more comments about those who heal the marriage after infidelity:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

1) We are making an effort to heal the wound by starting with “one” issue at a time. For instance “working together” was a huge problem for us. We made a point of finding one thing that would allow us to “work together”. Once we succeeded, we could feel the wall between us coming down. 2) In terms of trust issues, which is huge, my husband (the adulterer) made an extreme effort to keep me aware of his whereabouts at all times. In the past, he lied, didn’t return phone calls or answer his phone when he was cheating. Now, he lets me know where he is and that has helped me feel more secure and get closer to trusting him more.

We started listening to each other and talking with out anger. We started doing very simple things together like clean the house, make dinner, go out with our children as a family. We forgave one another for the transgressions.

1. No matter how bad it is, take some time every week to do something fun together. Agree that you are not going to talk about problems, just have a fun time. 2. When a conversation turns into an argument, don’t say anything about divorce. That is damaging. When you need to calm down, say “TIME OUT”, and walk away.

Filed Under: Marriage Makeover Tagged With: , ,

Practical Tips on Healing the Marriage after Infidelity

November 19, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Healing the marriage after infidelity is a daunting task.

Read these practical tips on how to heal the marriage after the affair:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

Wound STILL healing but holiday away together helped us. Text messaging each other just once a day with ‘how’s your day going’ type comment makes me feel like he cares again. Breaking out of our routine and being spontaneous – just going out for a weekday meal instead of arguing over who was going to cook it (and leaving food in fridge, chores etc when HE suggests it)

1. Talking about the affair. 2. Finding time to be together 3. Read your book and Dr Gunsburg’s books and articles.

Initially split and took time living apart to understand each other, “dated” during this period so we were not allowed to be judgmental. This helped us both regain our self confidence, and see what it was in each other that initially attracted us. When we got back together we allocated specific times when we could ask each other questions, sometimes hurtful, but we had to promise to listen and not be reactionary or judging.

1. Told my husband that our marriage was over, and that what we were working on is a new relationship. With all the expectations of any new relationship, and we have both put together a list of non-negotiable rules for the new relationship. 2. We each have a notebook in our bedside tables to list good/bad issues in, and we discuss them each Tuesday night, when we have a two hour break from children in the house. 3. I have learned to “bite my tongue” rather than become angry when he says he doesn’t know why he had an affair, that he has always loved me (!) and is sooooo sorry for what he did. It is just not helpful to tell him that if he loved me he would not ever have hurt me the way he has. I am learning accept that he doesn’t really know what he got out of the affair. 4. We accept that our marriage became bogged down in achieving material wealth (both of us), me helping our son who has a learning difficulty, running our business etc. Our relationship lost its romance and intimacy – and was not ever based on trust. I accept that no marriage will ever be truly happy under those circumstances.

Filed Under: Marriage Makeover Tagged With: , , ,
« Previous Page