healing from the extramarital affair

Infidelity Healing: The Ruthless Question

I’ve seldom been called ruthless. I’ve been described as someone who sees the snake hiding in the grass, but seldom ruthless.

But, the one question I pose in my ebook, a question most dread asking BTW, is often viewed as ruthless… but necessary when one first confronts infidelity an extramarital affair.

I picked this up in some comments from my readers. Here are some more comments:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

your specific breakdown to identify different types of affairs, and the almost ruthless questions about is it worth saving etc are very liberating, especially when one is blindly hell bent on “Fixing” things and probably in a state of denial. The concept that maybe the relationship is not worth saving is scary , but a reality for some of us and you help us see that, Thank you.

This e-course has reassured me that the steps that I have already taken are valid. I have always remained informed, calm, non-aggressive, more of a mentoring stance and counselor than a wounded victim. He says that I am a “class act”, and that I am “amazing” (by NOT stalking her, by NOT destroying his stuff, etc.) His affair has opened up a whole new door to communication between us, and as a result, we are beginning to bridge new gaps, even as he is still pursuing the “other person”. He tells me pretty much everything, even asking me advice about “what is really going on from a woman’s standpoint”. I have a lot of faith that the affair will not work out, and I want to be a safe landing spot for him when it concludes. The good news is that she is not a very active respondent in this — it is a lot one-way. I believe that when the dust settles, I will be able to define the terms upon which a new relationship is formed between us – one term of which is fidelity. Communication is being built as we speak, and trust will have to follow as a natural course. Wish us lots of good luck in this!!!!

I’m kind of a “veteran”. I originally found your site back in the summer of 2004 when my wife first started her affair. I think that the best part of the e-course and the e-book was the section on “Charge Neutral” because it helped me to not shy away from the difficult task of talking about her affair. Her affair is #1 with maybe some #6. I wanted to save our marriage, but the divorce is under way. Like you said, “Wish them well!”

Where does the problem lie when one has an extramarital affair?

It is extremely common for the “wounded spouse” to question his/her adequacy and engage in a myriad of what ifs… what if I did this.. or that.

Part of the healing from an extramarital affair comes when the wounded spouse realizes that s/he is not at fault. That there was in reality probably little s/he could have done to prevent the extramarital affair.

For example, read the responses below to my survey question on my e-course.

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It has helped me word my thoughts better and has also made me understand that some of the things I may be doing and saying is hindering our recovery.

I have shifted focus onto myself instead of letting his affair consume my every thought. I have come to realize that the fact that he had an affair was his choice in dealing with his inability to communicate how he was feeling to me and had nothing to do with me. I am okay most of the time and feel a calm within myself. I have found your information very empowering. Also having the chance to read and discuss thoughts with others experiencing the same feelings has been great.

It has helped me realize that I am not the problem and that I must take care of my needs.

I have benefited from the information personally more than with my spouse. Unfortunately he did leave our home, me and our three boys over a year ago and is living in the house with the woman that he is involved with and her two boys. I haven’t discussed anything about our relationship with him for about two-three weeks because I realize after reading your info I have been doing things all wrong . I was trying to save the marriage with questions and working at fixing things, I know now that it hasn’t helped. I do feel more peace after reading Break free and recieving tha emails , but I do really deep down miss him , our boys miss him and I do still feel that their is a marriage to save, he is really carrying alot of guilt and unworthiness. I have learned that our marriage wasn’t really the problem, his own insecurities are what drove him away.

Infidelity Healing: The Ruthless Question