Infidelity: Steps in the Healing Journey

May 25, 2009 by Leave a Comment

What does it take to heal from infidelity?

I asked my readers, in terms of what is helpful about some of my information. Here are some responses:

***I am learning how to control my mood and my feelings about my self. I just I could get my husband to think and open his eyes when it comes to the OP. I know that he will only see what he wants to see and I have to stay strong in my direction and continue working on myself. I am emotionally ready for whatever comes next. I know I will make it.

***I find some comfort in knowing i am not the only one. It has also helped prevent me to continue from doing some of the things (I love you’s, counseling)it said not to do.

***I have somewhat of a better understanding of why my husband’s affair happened.

***Acknowledging how I am feeling, knowing that my feelings are natural.

***I learned that I had to back off and let my husband come back to me on his own time–but he knew he was welcome to come back. I had to work on me–not my hubby–abut my problems that I knew had to change. I had to work on self-esteem so I wouldn’t be so needy.While talking things out my hubby is now willing to change jobs–his idea–his decision!!I learned how to listen to him and just be supportive–it worked he opened up more from the heart than he has in a long time!

***i have come to realize that the affair he is into is not my fault and that i can become a better person if only i stop feeling sorry for myself and be more realistic.

***It helped me getting a different perspective on what is happening in my marriage and in myself. I also helped me avoiding some things that I impulsively felt like doing that could actually jeopardize my goal. It gave me insight that I didn’t have and that made things somewhat more understandable.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , , , ,

Coping with the Pain of Infidelity

March 11, 2009 by 1 Comment

I frequently go over a survey I give for those who read my Free E-course, “The Seven Killer Mistakes…that prolong the affair and your misery.” It helps me learn what it is specifically that is helpful in coping with the pain of infidelity.

I will share with you… so you might learn how to cope with the pain of infidelity as well:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

The course has helped me understand it’s not me. Yes, I contributed to the affair but the issues are hers to resolve. Not mine. It has helped me understand the types of affairs and that hers is a blended affair of more than one of the seven types of affairs. It has helped me accept that her “friendship” is an affair dispite all of her reasons why it is not. It has helped me see all of the mistakes I have made so far and hopefully given me guidance to avoi future mistakes.

When I first found out about the affair, I was completely mad. I was going through so many different emotions from one minute to the next, I didn’t know what to think or do, and started to behave very badly, and was headed down a road to self destruction. Reading the e-course helped me realize that what I was feeling was normal? (Normal for finding out about the betrayed). It made me realize that I am not alone, and that many other people are going through the same emotions. When I first started reading the material I was finding on the net, it said that this would be a time of self descovery, which at the time I thought was a load of bs. But after a few weeks and the initial shock started to wear off, I did actually start to look inside, and found out some things about myself that I did not like, and am now in the process of changing my attitude. In some aspects of my life I am now a better person, but still very much struggling with the knowledge of the affair. thanks for your help R.

It has confirmed many things that I felt instinctively; like to stop saying “I love you” all the time, and not to change your intrinsic behaviour too much, just beacause you want your husband to move towards/love/care for you again. It has given me the courage to face the facts surrounding the whole infidelity issue. I also got a few laughs out of some articles, like the one about not imagining that the extra-marital sex was so hot! Thank you for that!

I learned a great deal from the E-Course and gained a lot of good information about how to cope with the different stages of emotions and feelings brought on by the affair. It helped me organize my thoughts so that I could find a better way to communicate with my spouse.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,

Infidelity: Healing the Marriage

February 25, 2009 by Leave a Comment

How does one go about healing the marriage or relationship when in the throes of infidelity?

The scenario below gives some examples. But, first, allow a couple comments need to be made about her words.

This person stopped a major pattern in the relationship, that of being reactive to him. As she said, she stopped slinging mud.

Slinging mud does no good. It invites either a counter attack, meaningless accommodation or withdrawal. Now, if one is angry, hurt, upset, you have every right to state your feelings and what you experience in your present situation.

But, from my experience, when in the middle of dealing with an affair, your spouse or partner has no capacity to empathize or listen the way you would like. Often you are wasting your breath.

Changing your pattern of behavior, changing your action can be much more powerful… but more difficult as well. ‘Cause sometimes you really want to rip, don’t you?

Also the type of response to your cheating spouse depends on the type of affair and severity of the dysfunction. In the scenario below, there was a kernel of connection between the two of them that was a starting point.

Here’s my question:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

1. I just backed off. I listened about the other person and heard the areas where there was a void that was filled. 2. Since I didn’t do a lot of good things through this, I don’t sling mud over the transgression. This has helped a lot with opening the doors to meaningful conversation without arguments or sore feelings that would undue months of work. 3. I am in no hurry to fall back into old patterns. So when he is ready to come home, great. If not, then he can continue to stay in his apartment and we will just continue to date. Since he hasn’t expressed interest in seeing his son too much, am not forcing them to be together. We’ll work on us first then our son.

Filed Under: Marriage Makeover Tagged With: , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »