Infidelity: Steps in the Healing Journey

What does it take to heal from infidelity?

I asked my readers, in terms of what is helpful about some of my information. Here are some responses:

***I am learning how to control my mood and my feelings about my self. I just I could get my husband to think and open his eyes when it comes to the OP. I know that he will only see what he wants to see and I have to stay strong in my direction and continue working on myself. I am emotionally ready for whatever comes next. I know I will make it.

***I find some comfort in knowing i am not the only one. It has also helped prevent me to continue from doing some of the things (I love you’s, counseling)it said not to do.

***I have somewhat of a better understanding of why my husband’s affair happened.

***Acknowledging how I am feeling, knowing that my feelings are natural.

***I learned that I had to back off and let my husband come back to me on his own time–but he knew he was welcome to come back. I had to work on me–not my hubby–abut my problems that I knew had to change. I had to work on self-esteem so I wouldn’t be so needy.While talking things out my hubby is now willing to change jobs–his idea–his decision!!I learned how to listen to him and just be supportive–it worked he opened up more from the heart than he has in a long time!

***i have come to realize that the affair he is into is not my fault and that i can become a better person if only i stop feeling sorry for myself and be more realistic.

***It helped me getting a different perspective on what is happening in my marriage and in myself. I also helped me avoiding some things that I impulsively felt like doing that could actually jeopardize my goal. It gave me insight that I didn’t have and that made things somewhat more understandable.

Infidelity Turning Points

There are turning points in infidelity. shifts do happen!

Here are some comments from a couple folks who share with you their turning points:

It has been three years since my husband’s affair. Looking back, I can see that we have come a long way from then. However, the pain is still very real. My discovery in the beginning of the different types of affairs really was important to me so that I could have understanding into why anyone would be able to go outside the marriage. It helped me to separate his responsibility from my own. Another turning point recently has been that I realize that we alone are responsible for healing our own pains. I tend to care more for his feelings and pains and tend to give until I’m empty. Learning to set boundaries on my own limitations so I can experience life through my own eyes and my own experiences has given me a new outlook and hope for the future. Although I live most of my life in the middle, I still have moments of highs and lows. It’s tough, but I hope one day all this endurance of pain will pay off in some way or another.

The turning point was when I finally decided that I could go it alone. The affair ended and we have pretty much repaired that part of our marriage. The hurt was very deep, but I don’t dwell on it the way I used to. But knowing that I was worth something on my own helped. The site helped me to gain perspective and just a place to go when things were insane.

Coping with the Pain of Infidelity

I frequently go over a survey I give for those who read my Free E-course, “The Seven Killer Mistakes…that prolong the affair and your misery.” It helps me learn what it is specifically that is helpful in coping with the pain of infidelity.

I will share with you… so you might learn how to cope with the pain of infidelity as well:

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

The course has helped me understand it’s not me. Yes, I contributed to the affair but the issues are hers to resolve. Not mine. It has helped me understand the types of affairs and that hers is a blended affair of more than one of the seven types of affairs. It has helped me accept that her “friendship” is an affair dispite all of her reasons why it is not. It has helped me see all of the mistakes I have made so far and hopefully given me guidance to avoi future mistakes.

When I first found out about the affair, I was completely mad. I was going through so many different emotions from one minute to the next, I didn’t know what to think or do, and started to behave very badly, and was headed down a road to self destruction. Reading the e-course helped me realize that what I was feeling was normal? (Normal for finding out about the betrayed). It made me realize that I am not alone, and that many other people are going through the same emotions. When I first started reading the material I was finding on the net, it said that this would be a time of self descovery, which at the time I thought was a load of bs. But after a few weeks and the initial shock started to wear off, I did actually start to look inside, and found out some things about myself that I did not like, and am now in the process of changing my attitude. In some aspects of my life I am now a better person, but still very much struggling with the knowledge of the affair. thanks for your help R.

It has confirmed many things that I felt instinctively; like to stop saying “I love you” all the time, and not to change your intrinsic behaviour too much, just beacause you want your husband to move towards/love/care for you again. It has given me the courage to face the facts surrounding the whole infidelity issue. I also got a few laughs out of some articles, like the one about not imagining that the extra-marital sex was so hot! Thank you for that!

I learned a great deal from the E-Course and gained a lot of good information about how to cope with the different stages of emotions and feelings brought on by the affair. It helped me organize my thoughts so that I could find a better way to communicate with my spouse.