Confronting Infidelity: Knowing the Actions of Your Partner

February 21, 2012 by Leave a Comment
Discovering that your partner is having an affair is never easy. And one of the ways an individual deals with it is usually by asking about the details of the other relationship. Asking about the things your partner did with the other person – whether they had sex or not, where they went, what they talked about, when were they together and how often – these things become the basis for what you are going to do next and how you will handle the situation.

Remember that there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to know the details of your partner’s affair. A lot of couples have gone through and are going through a situation like this, and plenty of them are most likely reacting the same way.

The following are some reasons why the need to know is strong:

1. It becomes kind of a competition. You want to know what your partner did with the other person because it becomes a push for you to do better. You want to prove yourself and prove that you are better. For some couples, knowing the details of the sexual interactions in the other relationship heightens their sexual encounters and brings to the surface some hidden fantasies or desires.

2. It creates a connection between you and your partner. In some relationships, emotional distance creates a barrier that keeps your from really being together, and the affair, or talking about the affair, becomes a reason for you to communicate and reconnect.

In other cases, the affair may be a way for your partner to stir up some drama or get revenge. Your partner brings it up or talks about it a lot to get a reaction from you.

3. You want to be able to protect yourself health-wise, especially if your partner is having an active sexual affair. You need to know the details of his sexual encounters and the extent of protection used, so that you will know if you need to get yourself checked from STDs and so that you can protect yourself against them.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

The Key to Saving Your Marriage: Identify the Type of Affair

February 7, 2012 by 6 Comments

Having had plenty of experience with couples and individuals going through extramarital affairs over the past two decades, Dr. Huizenga has classified 7 different kinds of affairs. While most affairs arise from a perceived inadequacy from the marriage, there are some that are caused by a personal conflict by the offending partner.

There are some people who feel some kind of entitlement in having the perfect partner, and tend to move from one person to the next in the pursuit of that. There are also those who are so in love with the idea of being in love that they neglect actually working on their relationships to stay being in love, and look for that feeling elsewhere instead.

Another type of affair could be caused by a partner’s need for revenge for some reason. It could be because of something you did or something you did not do. It could also be caused by anger of some sort over a conflict you had.

Some tend to engage in affairs to kind of affirm their desirability, not always to other people, but most of the time to themselves. And there are those who are confused about the balance of intimacy and distance, and tend to look somewhere else for help in that area.

Whatever the reason is behind your partner’s infidelity, understanding it will be the key in discovering and developing the right approach in your pursuit to save your marriage.

Filed Under: Extramarital Affair Types, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Decisions, Infidelity Help, Infidelity Impact, Recovery From Infidelity, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Charging Neutral: Good-by Mrs. Samsonite

March 8, 2010 by Leave a Comment

When facing infidelity or extramarital affairs, charging neutral is a powerful too.

Charging neutral is an oxymoron. How can one CHARGE – more forward forcefully – and still be NEUTRAL.

The power of charging neutral lies in that seeming contradiction.

In the first case study below, of someone who intentionally used the power of charging neutral, please note particular themes.

1. Charging neutral is moving away from trying to attain particular results. Charging neutral is NOT results oriented.

2. Along with that, charging neutral keeps you focused on the present moment. You focus on what is happening in that moment. Your mind is not anticipating your next phrase or word or worried about his/her next response.

3. Charging neutral occurs when you move beyond your personal neediness in that moment. This is a tremendous challenge since, for most of us, our neediness runs below the surface of our lives and unknowingly controls our actions and responses.

4. Charging neutral means we learn from each encounter in the affair, whether it is emotional infidelity or a sexual affair. We become curious about who we are and how we respond.

Case Study:
My husband has been involved in a “I can’t say NO” type of affair. This summer he moved back to our town and out of her house (that was in another town). All in hopes from what he told me to work on rebuilding our relationship and get relationship help. Well as of Oct 1st he allowed her to move into his place here in our town. He didn’t have to come out and tell me. I knew from his actions and lack of communication on the subject what was going on. It’s been over 2 yrs now and I am just plain emotionally drained and can’t take this yo-yo emotional roller coaster any longer. After the weekend he came over to talk and cried about how ashamed he feels and lost about his life and the decisions he has and is making. I charged neutral…because I just plain don’t care about the outcome any longer. I am working on being his friend and supporting him to get counseling and the help he needs to find himself and the strength he needs to decide what he wants for his life and future. It’s been a long hard process to get to this point. So I learned that I don’t need him anymore…yes I would like to keep our family together but it is a nice want but no longer a need. That shifted my attitude to neutral and I feel it has shifted him too. He’s getting help to deal with this emotional hold she has on him and working toward ending it with her and we’ll see where that takes us. But I know now I will be okay with or without him in my/our life.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,
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