In this scenario of Confronting the Other Person, the confronting spouse runs into a disturbed person.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My original purpose for confronting the other person was selfish. I honestly could not believe my husband had an affair.. He admitted to one. In the beginning I felt this was a sick joke both parties were playing on me. Friends of my husband knew more specifics than me and couldn’t believe I wasn’t reacting. When they finally shared some things.. I was slammed with the realization my husband had an affair. This it the start of fatal attraction the movie in my life. I called her and she was sweet as gold… she had the most even toned voice, not at all upset… unlike me… willing to talk endlessly. Even asked me to call her anytime if I need to talk to her. I introduced myself on the phone and asked her if she had an affair with my husband. She admitted yes…. stated her husband was seated beside her at that moment and was aware of everything. She supposedly apologized, but I was so charged I don’t recall it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Outcome… horrible. To further explain, this woman has been with many of her coworkers… 10 as a matter of fact. She was followed by a private investigator who made videos of her with each of them. This information was turned over to me after she was caught in bed with another man. The story went around their workplace like wildfire and the DVD, pictures landed in my car along with video of my own husband and her. This was after I had found out about the affair. In effect, she felt stalked. I did not share the information left in my car.. however, someone else notified the husband that I had this information. It became a threatening issue of him wanting to know who was in the tapes, DVD, pictures, etc. I hadn’t even told him that I had them, but he knew. The outcome was he became threatening more so to me than even my husband! I blocked his emails at work and home… and he finally just went away. It seems a dead issue.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Admittedly, I should have been able to trust my husband that he was having an affair since he admitted to it… how crazy is it that I was still in denial? I’ve learned a great deal about how the other party doesn’t tell truths to her own spouse. He may consider it total truth… but in actuality there is never ever going to be full fledged honesty in an affair. She covered up facts to make herself look better? or him worse? If I had it to do all over again…. I would never ever have responded to his beginning email to let me know if my husband didn’t tell me everything that he would. No matter how burning the need for knowledge… it’s not worth it. Everything that evolved was less than the truth… full of hatred and despise. And nothing that was ever said from the other person or her spouse was helpful towards me in ANY way.

Coach’s Comments:

Here’s the risk: When confronting the other person, you are not sure what you will encounter. You may guess, considering the character and history of your spouse, but that also, is no guarantee you can accurately predict what you will find.

Be aware that confronting the other person may find you embroiled in another person’s (couple’s) sickness. Their sickness may taint your life and leave you with scars. After all, infidelity is a fairly dysfunctional, sick act. It represents much that is not healthy.

If you choose to confront, you stand the risk of becoming part of that sickness, unless you are capable of setting firm boundaries, holding your self and have the capacity to be nonreactive to the situation.

This scenario is especially likely to happen in the “I Don’t Want to Say No” affair or the “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her affair (where rage is the core element.) Stay miles away if you suspect either of these affairs are being played out.