Healing from The Extramarital Affair

February 21, 2009 by 3 Comments

Where does the problem lie when one has an extramarital affair?

It is extremely common for the “wounded spouse” to question his/her adequacy and engage in a myriad of what ifs… what if I did this.. or that.

Part of the healing from an extramarital affair comes when the wounded spouse realizes that s/he is not at fault. That there was in reality probably little s/he could have done to prevent the extramarital affair.

For example, read the responses below to my survey question on my e-course.

1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.

It has helped me word my thoughts better and has also made me understand that some of the things I may be doing and saying is hindering our recovery.

I have shifted focus onto myself instead of letting his affair consume my every thought. I have come to realize that the fact that he had an affair was his choice in dealing with his inability to communicate how he was feeling to me and had nothing to do with me. I am okay most of the time and feel a calm within myself. I have found your information very empowering. Also having the chance to read and discuss thoughts with others experiencing the same feelings has been great.

It has helped me realize that I am not the problem and that I must take care of my needs.

I have benefited from the information personally more than with my spouse. Unfortunately he did leave our home, me and our three boys over a year ago and is living in the house with the woman that he is involved with and her two boys. I haven’t discussed anything about our relationship with him for about two-three weeks because I realize after reading your info I have been doing things all wrong . I was trying to save the marriage with questions and working at fixing things, I know now that it hasn’t helped. I do feel more peace after reading Break free and recieving tha emails , but I do really deep down miss him , our boys miss him and I do still feel that their is a marriage to save, he is really carrying alot of guilt and unworthiness. I have learned that our marriage wasn’t really the problem, his own insecurities are what drove him away.

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The Extramarital Affair: When doing Everything Isn’t Enough

December 5, 2008 by Leave a Comment

You may have a bag full of tricks and skills that you have learned or are in the process of learning.

The infidelity or extramarital affair is right before you. Its ugliness stares you in the face.

And, you are determined to fight it, to save the marriage, to resolve it in some fashion, to see some sort of movement in the relationship that signifies some change or shifts.

And so you employ the skills. You state clearly your position. You charge neutral. You are non reactive. You define your needs. You listen. You make powerful statements in a loving manner.

You read another self-help book. You learn a couple more tricks. You employ them – very well. You do a great job of doing what the experts say.

And…………

You get the same ole response. Or worse, you experience a flare up of some nasty words and behavior. Heated argument. Blame. Anger. Rage. Withdrawal. Cut-off. Stone cold silence. Rolled eyes. Focus placed back on you. Excuses. Defensiveness. You get the picture…

And, then you go back to the negative feelings and negative thoughts. Is this worth it? Why am I trying so hard?! What good does it do?!

The fact is that some people are so locked into their pain, their illusions, their delusions, their distorted filters of you, the world and themselves, that they at that moment in time lack any capacity to respond to you, or others, for that matter, in a healthy way.

Those who chose infidelity to manage their personal needs and inner desert often are at this place of temporary insanity. They live in a world of delusion. They are unreachable.

Now, please know that they are not to be blamed or criticized. We all do crazy things periodically. We all shoot ourselves in the foot, and it hurts. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Most emerge from the fog and delusion of infidelity and reclaim themselves. Some don’t. But, at particular times, it seems as if they need to hang onto that world for dear life. At that time, you are knocking on a door where no one is home.

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9 Signs of Infidelity and an Extramarital Affair

November 29, 2008 by Leave a Comment

I asked my readers when they first began to suspect infidelity or an extramarital affair. Here are 9 responses to first discerning the signs of infidelity:

1. Said she loved me but was not in love with me!

2. I first noticed signs when my oldest child, a son was about to graduate from high school. He became more aloof towards me, began losing weight, wearing cologne to work, passwording his e-mail and telephone, etc…classic symptoms that I tried to pass off as empty nest signs.

3. The 60 minute appointment (masseuse) once a week became twice weekly ritual. Phone records showed he was calling her obsessively. Caller ID showed me she was calling him but she’d hang up when I answered. Friends reported him helping her at her shop (hanging pictures, assembling furniture)…trust me, he isn’t handy at home

4. Aloofness when at home. Distant. Stopped having sex with me. Lying about where he was or was going or just leaving without saying anything.

5. He became cold, hostile, argumentative, picked fights,was on his computer late at night, accused me of spying on him. Annoyed if I tried to have a conversation. Told me not to ask him any questions. Just before I found out, he said he didn’t want sex anymore unless I would do certain things he wanted that he knew I found offensive.

6. his appearance and staying late at work

7. regular going out, irritability

8. He was still coming home from work (he owns the business) at his “normal” time – always “works” late – but smelled of booze- was sometimes to the point of being glassy eyed and wobbly – had a smug look on his face – like he was proud of himself for blatantly disrespecting my wishes – I had agreed to marry him only after several years of him not drinking (he frequently drank to excess when we were first dating). I looked in his day timer and found notes that he was keeping about how he went back to the bar every day for several days – just in case she was working – and then about his daily meetings with this waitress.

9. 3 months after it started. Talking on the phone alot (CELL). Then caught in the motel by her husband.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: , ,
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