Infidelity Dicovered: Death Without Dying – Part 7

July 21, 2008 by 1 Comment

This is last part of the “Death Without Dying” series.

Again, these are the powerful words of my friend who coming home from a business trip was greeted at the door by his wife who said, “I’ve met someboy. I’m leaving you.”

Absorb his journey…

“I’ve met somebody. I’m leaving you.” I don’t want to be the victim. And those around me will want to give me that position, like I’ve earned it or deserve it. It is a special place and sure as hell beats being the villain. But in my quest to control, to heal, to observe and create positive outcomes from this devastation, will I find my own guilt? Where have I acted without integrity or inconsistently with my values? What was my role in driving her not only into the arms, but the house of another man? Can I apologize with integrity to start a process of reparation? If I find my guilt, or if it finds me, can I forgive myself?

Can the torrent of pain be controlled with building dams and levees? Without the levee breaks causing floods of resentment, depression or resignation? Let me grieve my sorrow out and avoid the high emotional debt and interest penalty of the fog of depression that settles in just off shore. Can I focus on being effective and not worry about saving face?

Betrayal. Because I’m confused, I find it easy to interpret rather than identify and validate my hot and perpetual emotions. And this keeps the brain chewing this bone non-stop, trying to rationalize, trying to understand the irrational and inexplicable.

Can the world of possibilities be reopened? Can the possible replace the obligations, implied and inherited and a legacy. When anger pulls into the station will it pull resentment as its caboose? When it does, can forgiveness rush out to meet it? Can we be clear that forgiveness is not absolution of bad choices, bad decisions, wrong turns? Can it be a gentleman of integrity and truth and not a pretender? Am I strong enough to commit to living in this present moment?

“I’ve met somebody. I’m leaving you.” When I let go of it, will it let go of me? Will I ever find the freedom to respond openheartedly to any loss, to any love, to any dream? Will it mean denial of the grief or the pain? When who I am is who I was, where does this leave the who I’m going to be?

Cold. Dark. A heaviness on an empty chest. Buried in grief. Waiting through the mourning for morning.

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The Marital Affair: Narcissists, Lying and Confusion

July 19, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Readers of my e-book “Break Free From the Affair” are asked if they have any questions after reading the e-book.

I respond briefly to some of their questions:

1. How about narcissists – in which kind of the affair would you put them?

The true narcissist often resides in affair #2: “I don’t want to say no.” There is a strong sense of entitlement, “I deserve this because I’m so special. Almost…s/he should want to adore me because of how wonderful I am.” Others exist to serve him/her.

Affair#3: “I can’t say no” may seem narcissistic because of the self-absorption, but the self orientation is around the object of addiction, not self.

2. Lying , is it part of No. 7 affair?

Lying is part of #7. It’s also part of Affairs #1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6. In other words, lying, deception, holding secrets, withholding information, half-truths are endemic to infidelity. Lying makes infidelity infidelity. The utter pain and confusion comes primarily from not knowing the truth (and out of that believing, somehow, that there is something defective about you – since you were not able to read the signals or were so out of touch.) Gets rather dicey.

3. Marriage is complex relationship between two adults. My husband fits in the characteristic of 2-3 pattern that you describe. What are the solutions?

There is often overlap. Actually that may be a good sign. The more the overlap, the more confusion exists. Confusion can be good. Confusion often means one is on the edge of discovery of something new… the next step in one’s growth and evolution. There is flexibility, there is possibility for change. One is not locked into the destructive behavior. Is this confusing??? :)

Some comments from readers about “Break Free From the Affair:”

the book is fantastic, straight forward, I wish I would have it 21 months ago when I discovered the affair. I think, I made many mistakes, some perhaps irreparable, but because of the book and because I am getting your E-mails (your interest) I decided to restart everything and even so that I don’t have much hope, I will persevere. With your help, I think I will break free from the affair – one way or other. The book gave me hope. Thank you Dr. Huizenga.

I’ve a better understanding the underlying problem of my marriage and the affair pattern. This helps me to make a critical decision…do I want to stay in marriage or move forward by myself…It helps me to think more clearly…The situation was not helped much, because I am reading it now, and have not apply the skills that the book taught to handle the problem.

I understand the type of affair that my wife is having (I Fell Out of Love and Love Being In-Love)and I am currently applying the skills l learned in the book that WILL help me to Break Free! One of the most important is: “Back-Off.” Most of the questions I had on “What can I do?” or “What did I do?” were answered!Thank you! This should be on hard cover in every book store in the US. I spent the first 2 months looking for resources and asking friends for advise then, typed “I don’t Love You Any More” into Google and discovered: “How to Save Your Marriage” which led me to “Break Free”!

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Infidelity Discovered: Death without Dying – Part 6

July 17, 2008 by Leave a Comment

This is part 6 “Death without Dying.”

It summarizes the feelings and anguish of my good friend who came home from a business trip and was greeted at the door by his wife who said, “I’ve found someone else. I’m leaving.”

Here are more of his thoughts:

Can I ever feel gratitude for the thirty-three years? Or will I resent staying when the going was crazy, the behaviors wrong? Will I ever be grateful to myself for sticking with it for the sake of the girls, when now the bonds get reordered? We were not the perfect couple. I was not always happy. I suffered. I gave up opportunity. I experienced loss of much of my youth to assure that our imperfections would not permanently infect my kids. I didn’t always handle it the right way and acted out my unhappiness and punishments quietly, internally and externally. But never overtly. Perhaps that was wrong. As wrong as thinking you can change another person or their behavior. I can and do celebrate the team that was though. The end result of the daughters she raised. The business partnership that brought me much career success and adulation. The uncomplaining acceptance and accomplished performance of so many of the tasks that I didn’t like doing. She did good.

It’s in there somewhere. And it scares the hell out of me. It’s got to show its ugly face. And I want to be ready for it. Cause I know that I’m angry. I’m mad as hell. I’m genuinely pissed off. She has hurt me inappropriately, acted irrationally, disregarded my feelings and my values, has not acknowledged my love and devotion, has hurt my children and will hurt my mother, sisters and my few friends. How can that anger be directed to healing, to repair, to protection of the totally unknown future? Will I be ready when it strikes and be able to channel the anger productively, begin the process of forgiveness? I’m still in shock. But I know this train is coming. I just don’t know when it’s pulling into the station. And if it carries a bomb?My anger is not pretty. It’s a beach ball held under water that slips away, explodes through the surface, often surprising not only those around me, but taking me by surprise as well. What needs to happen for me to find peace?

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