Dealing with Infidelity Means Tolerating

February 14, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Dealing with infidelity often means tolerating a great deal of destructive, to the point of abusive, behavior.

The “letting go” – the healing, creating inner confidence and centeredness process often takes time.

And, as a person gathers his/her her resources and sorts out the crazy behavior with the hope of making an informed decision, yes, one does tolerate much s/he would not tolerate in other situations.

Read what readers say they tolerate in the midst of affair discovery:

He is living with her. He comes home to clean the driveway. He showers here. He talks to me when he wants but not when I want. He ignores me.

phone sms-ing, coming home late, leaving on weekends for a couple of hours to be with her, chatting on the internet.

Acting out husband who has on three occasions threatened suicide-once even bringing his (unloaded ) shotgun into the kitchen and threatening to end his life because I wouldn’t tell him I loved him after he had hugged and told me he loved me. Mood swings. Incredible neediness.He’s almost going overboard to try and please me. Too much touching,feeling,hugging ,holding hands behaviour-to the point that friends are noticing and remarking. Great difficulty talking about his affairs and giving me details.He claims affairs were 30+years ago ,so I should just forget and move on.I’ve obtained many of the details by calling on old friends and asking questions-eventually collecting enough data to confront my husband with.I still do not know the whole truth.

No closeness or sex. Lies about contacting other person. Depression No help with house chores Distance with kids

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,

Dealing with the Affair: Finding Peace

February 13, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Much of dealing with the affair is finding a sense of peace in the midst of the craziness. And, from this core of peace, you can act, rather than react. The capacity to act rather than react forms the foundation for successfully dealing with infidelity and accelerating the healing process.

Read what this person says:

You validated so many of my feelings. I felt totally lost. Using the charge neutral method, I probably saved us from falling completely apart. I did feel more in control, and my husband (the cheater) actually didn’t know what to say or how to react. I also had to get rid of my anger as it was indeed very destructive. I don’t ever want to feel that bad again. By doing that, I am able to see things much more clearly, enjoy my children more, and cope with my husband better. He is nowhere near at my stage. We are probably the worst case scenario in your affair list. While we crossover into some of the others, the first one describes us the best. He has started to read some of the ebook materials, and is at least reading right now. It isn’t going to be easy, and I don’t know if it will work out. I love my husband, but I am definitely not in love with him right now. While I have to accept what he has done, I am definitely not ready to forgive him. Some days are good, some days I am rattled to my core. But remembering to continue to charge neutral, I survive much better and stay in control of me. I realize I must make changes in myself, but I cannot force him to change. I do feel more peace in myself, although that may sound crazy. We went away 3 days after I found out about the affair (after months of asking him), and that too probably kept us from coming completely apart. We had a scheduled family vacation, but went alone and left our children (20, 18, 15) home, which if nothing else was the best thing we could have ever done for them. They relied on each other, and didn’t have to see their Dad for a bit. I made him take responsibility and tell the kids what he had done. Honesty feels good, and we haven’t had much of that. We talked for hours on end while we were away, and actually had a good time. Sounds strange doesn’t it?! Unfortunately we had to come back to reality, but at least I see there may be something to save. Thanks for being on the web. I googled and found your sight and if I hadn’t-I know where I would be right now.

Filed Under: Infidelity Help Tagged With: ,

Dealing with Infidelity Through Harsh Consequences

October 11, 2008 by Leave a Comment

The “I Can’t Say No” affair often takes place with someone who suffers from inner compulsions, low self-esteem and a tendency to denial the destructiveness of his/her behavior.

As well, the spouse is often the projected target of anger.

Listen to how these readers dealt with the abuse and anger when I ask:
What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing? and 2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Person #1:

Name calling, saying insulting thing about me and my family, blaming me for all his problems, his drinking all weekend and some day during the week.

Taking a stand and separating myself from him emotionally, not talking to him.

Person #2:

No matter what I do or say its never good enough.

Stop. Leave. To calmly point out I agree to disagree

Person #3:

I discovered texts from the other woman to him and from him to her on his phone. He had already admitted the affair – following a polygraph – so this was not a significant find. However it was contact that had taken place between them since the affair had been discovered and since he had promised to end all contact with her. I got the feeling that he was most angry because he was not able to remain on his ‘high horse’ and was revealed to be exactly what he was – no good. He seemed angry because he this find took away his control of how he could portray the affair and himself. He flew into a rage and became very physically violent – he was never like this during the marriage.

After the attack I told him that if he ever did it again I would phone the police. I told him that he was no longer allowed in the house. I stuck to my guns on this, and he was not allowed to set foot back in the house for two months. Now he does come in to the house to see my son, but the violence has not recurred. I really think that alot of the time these men need to receive harsh consequences. I left my husband and started dating. I’ve told him that if he can remain celibate for two years and prove it with a polygraph test I may be able to trust him again and take him back in two years. He is doing all he can to prove himself to me. These type of harsh consequences really do work wonders. They also allow the faithful spouse to move on with their life.

Filed Under: Infidelity and Tolerations Tagged With: , ,