Confronting the Other Woman: Live and Learn

February 19, 2009 by 3 Comments

Life is a journey. I know, a trite cliche.

How about: We never “arrive.” As long as there is breath in the lungs we soak up the events and emotions of life, respond internally and externally to them and learn.

Each crisis, such as infidelity, is a seedbed from which new awareness, hope and strength emerge.

The person in the scenario below describes her learning process.

The first time of confronting the other person (or more accurately, venting on the other person) was not by the book. She was not whom she really wanted to be. But… and this is a huge but… she seemed to feel better.

In that process, as ugly as it was, she discovered, at some level, in some way, personal strength.

Later, reflecting on her behavior she had the insight and courage to learn. The second time around – if there was one – she would respond in a way that would do honor to her.

Here’s the story:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

1st time: Purpose: I found husband & OP together at his office, I confronted both of them in shock. I was flooded with emotions, I abused both of them in anger, I called her a scrag, ‘scanky bi#*h’, I was crying. Her response was, ‘don’t lower yourself’ in tears and frustration I made it clear that I possibly couldn’t be any lower so what does it matter what I say to you. Confrontation 2: Over the phone about 2 months into their affair. (My husband was still coming home at 6am to do breakfast and help get kids ready for school and of an evening would come home for dinner & leave after kids had gone to bed, to go to her) Purpose: Phone call to ask her what she thought of situation. She was very disrespectful, her comment was ‘if you had looked after your husband he wouldn’t be doing this.” She also pushed my buttons by saying “Do you think I’m the first girl he’s had an affair with?” I told her that regardless of what my husband said you, as girls we have morals and married men are ‘no go,’ I asked her if she thought she could fix our problems by having an affair with my husband? I also told her ‘what goes around comes around’ and that I can’t wait for this to happen to her because she deserves it. Confrontation many times after this, I was acting very irrationally and engaging with all sorts of thoughts in my head and began making prank phone calls to her and hanging up, I would do this to really annoy the hell out of her even though it was doing me more harm as I kept re living and engaging with the drama of this affair.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

What happened was it became very clear that I knew everything or a lot of what was going on between them, it wasn’t so much a secret anymore and that I knew that their little game was over but knew I had to be careful because it could develop into another form, a stronger bond. Mostly the calls would end with me telling her what a sl#t she was, and how dare she ruin the lives of my 2 young children. On the last occasion I told her that they deserve each other. The outcome: I have to say I felt better. I vented all of my anger onto her (not my husband for whatever reason) I know it’s not healthy but god it felt good to let her know what I really thought and to say a few really crass words to make her feel guilty, angry and ashamed. (the exact 3 words are how I felt through it all) My husband and I are now back together and we are much stronger and happier than ever before, we are still the same but so many shifts have taken place that I know I’m a much better person before the affair took place.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

If I were to rewind the tape to the point where I found them together at work I don’t think I would do anything differently. I said and felt everything that I thought was the best at that point in time, even if it was irrational. If my husband was to have another affair I would certainly respond differently, I’m a much happier, healthier person and my new found strength would allow me to walk away with head held high and my two kids in my arms and I know that we would be okay. I certainly wouldn’t contact the OP because I couldn’t be bothered, the affair would say too much about my husband not me and I would be glad to get out of that horrid situation. Yes…sometimes I have fears and anxieties that it will happen again but mostly I feel free of those emotions….thank goodness

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Confronting Infidelity: Beginning to Find Strength

January 6, 2009 by 1 Comment

There is often no obvious game plan when confronting infidelity and the other person. Confrontation often depends on the kind of affair a person faces and other factors.

Confronting the other person can be a beginning point, for discovering one’s internal strength as this case study points out:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

The op was a bank employee. We both had accounts there. When I found out I went down there closed my account and told her if she wanted my husband she could have him when I was done with him. She repeatedly told me that they were just friends. I told her just friends is not 15 phone calls a day back and forth & him at her house behind his the wife’s back. A friendship I would of known about then why all the secrets.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Nothing. They continued this for one year now. All the time my EX is still denying it. She called me just last week and I filled her in with everything from this past year. I thought we were working on things but she informed me that they have been a couple since last year. He continued with me for the past year also. I should of spoken with her earlier and dumped his ass earlier. I think she gave him the boot also (for now).

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No. I felt some relief telling her off and letting her know what kind of woman she was to interfere in someone’s 20 year marriage. If she was any kind of woman she would butt out and see what happens. But she didn’t. Now I feel like I got revenge. Maybe now they can hurt like I did. It is over for good now. Knowing the truth finally will give me the strength to move forward. I can say that I hate him for doing this to me.

Coach’s comments:

1. Where does one begin in claiming one’s strength? In exercising that strength? The spouse in the above scenario used confronting the other woman to find some of her strength.

2. Granted, her strategy leaves much to be desired. She was unable to charge neutral. She did not give much forethought to her intervention. She was most concerned with venting and spilling her anger.

3. One fairly positive outcome was using the other person for information on the status of that relationship. The spouse obviously was getting very little input from her husband. That relationship seems doomed, does it not?

4. For all of us, there is a starting point. Give this spouse credit for taking action, although she would have benefited by standing back, getting some coaching, doing some research, reading and study to determine the best path – and then take action.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: ,

Confronting the Other Woman: A Nightmare of Co-dependency

January 3, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman may create a nightmare, as this person discovered. Also the issue of co-dependency is broached.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

Actually, I did not confront her, but forced my husband to re-face her after a period of 5 months abstinence to see if he still really loved her. He met her at her place of work for 15 minutes and found he did, and in facing her once again, made her think that he might still divorce me. When he did not contact her for several weeks after that last meeting, she called with intense anger and told him to never call her again. This made him turn all of his anger toward me. He felt that I had essentially confronted her in a way, and caused her to stop waiting for him.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He had hoped that she would still be waiting if our marriage didn’t work out. We have not been able to move forward because she is always essentially “in the backyard of his mind.” In other words, he’s not been totally committed to our reconciliation, though he says he has been. Because of my inability to “charge neutral” 100 percent of the time (I’ve had numerous “slips”), and because he is so angry at the thought of losing her, he now wants a divorce. And he’s called her to say he wants to start dating her again, and she’s said OK. What a nightmare I (we?) have created. We’ve been married 42 years, he’s had numerous affairs, though until this one I was only aware of one other 25 years ago, for which I had forgiven him. I thought after that one, that he would never cheat on me again. Wrong! He actually continued that affair without my knowledge right up until the time he met this new love. He believes he has finally found his soul mate.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would not have insisted that he see her once again. I had thought that, after 5 months, if he saw her again, he would be able to make up his mind, because he has not been able to get her off his mind. Dumb. I learned that was a huge mistake. Also, during the last few weeks, attending s-Anon meetings, I have learned that I am a co-dependent, that he is a sex/love addict, and that there is no hope for “WE” unless we both continue serious involvement in the 12-step programs for these two “diseases.” I am hopeful that we could repair our marriage, he has no hope. I am in despair, but I know that I will survive and am very grateful for your book, which I keep referring back to when I need some good advice.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Triangles don’t work. Attempting to get accurate information through a triangle is often futile as this person discovered. Not only did she not shed light on his position, it backfired and became a nightmare.

2. Are “co-dependent” people (I really don’t like that term. I find it diffuse and difficult to understand, and I believe it’s difficult often to separate “co-dependency” from one’s sensitivity to others. Any way…) more susceptible to triangles? I believe so, in the sense that caring, sensitive people often tie into others with great intensity and rely upon that bond to get adequate information to make decisions about the distance and intimacy in a relationship.

3. If one shares a sensitivity to people, one must take care in not relying upon that process to make personal and relational decisions. The best bet: Self disclosure of where one stands and tuning into the messages received from the other person, with a continual process of clarifying those messages.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: ,
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