Confronting the Other Woman: From Shock to God

March 27, 2009 by Leave a Comment

This is another story of confronting the other person. My thoughts on this scenario:

1. Being in shock is usually not a good time to confront the OP. The confrontation is knee-jerk and may have dire consequences. The consequences in this scenario were not so dire (she was able to control her rage) but the confrontation did not help either.

2. After reading dozens confrontation stories it appears that confrontation appears to work best if there is some sort of alliance with one’s spouse or if the cheating spouse is ambivalent about the infidelity or is on the way out of the affair.

3. Approaching a confrontation is always best if the focal point is on your needs, your strategy, your care and maintaining your integrity. If the confrontation is reactive, not much good can occur.

The healing for this woman took place once she was able to shift her focal point away from “what he/they did to her” to her own internal striving to find peace and worth (her connection with God.)

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I was in such a state of shock I felt compelled to see the person my husband had chosen to derail our 36 year relationship. I wanted to confront her and let her know there was no more hiding what she had done to our family, and tell her to stay away from my husband.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I sent a text message from my husband’s phone (as though from him) asking her to meet me (him). She invited ‘him’ to come to her house because they (she and HER HUSBAND [he knew, too and they had been ‘working out’ the 3-some arrangement–she’d had many affairs and they had both been ‘swingers’ with neighbors–ugh.]) were up. I told her I didn’t want to see her husband tonight, only her…so a 2 am, she drove to the meeting point to see my husband, and when she drove up, I got out of my car, got into hers, introduced myself and said, “I understand you’ve been sleeping with my husband. I want this to stop and for you to stay away from him. She hung her head and said “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.” I told her my husband would have to make up his mind, because I would not share him with her, and would not stand by and allow their relationship to continue. Then I left–went home and was awake for the next 3 days. I felt like my husband had hit me with a sledge hammer. I was like the walking dead for a long time.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

In a way, I wish I’d been more forceful and (in my fantasy–I wish I’d crushed her like the snake she was!!) But that’s not me. I tried to forgive him and talk things out, tried to believe he was still the wonderful man I’d loved all my life and he would do the right thing to save our family. For 7 months we went to counseling–but he secretly continued to be with her. He lied, she refused to stay away from him, and I learned I was not prepared to cope and handle things in a rational way. I tried to be super wife, and as he continued to deceive me I became more unraveled. I simply could not wrap my mind around the fact that he had changed so drastically under her influence. He never actually told the truth, they ran away and he went to work one morning and never came back. I had to work very hard to stop loving him, to accept the reality that he was not the same man, and father that we had known and loved. They lived together for 4 months before she was divorced, and 4 more months while we were still married. They hid, he could never speak to me face to face. Text messages!! It sickened me to see his cowardice, because he had always been my hero. We divorced in 2005, they married in 2006, and he’s still not happy, but afraid to leave her and have to deal with financial and emotional issues again. I’m stronger than I thought, more peaceful and happy than I had been for years, and healthier–without the stress-related illnesses that had plagued me for years. I learned a lot of other things about myself, a realistic look at how things had changed over the years and I had resigned myself to accepting a less than satisfactory life. Life is good now, and God is my center instead of my husband being my ‘god’. It was a blessing–but a VERY hard lesson to learn.

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Confronting the Other Woman: After 10 Years

March 22, 2009 by Leave a Comment

The confrontation of the other woman in this scenario seemed like a long time in the making, but once it happened tremendous relief and power was experienced. As well it was the final cog in her decision making process of whether to stay or go.

The wounded spouse spent 10 years with her gut saying something was wrong – which there was. so, one can imagine her lightness, at moments, discovering the truth and with it her strength, power and capacity to move on from a toxic relationship.

Also, please note that she was able to elicit the truth from her spouse, before the confrontation with the other person.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose was to acquire more information in order to help me process the whole ordeal and determine the severity of involvement between the 2 of them. As I had already heard from my wayward husband I needed to hear her take on the relationship. I feel that I received what I wanted to hear and it helped me to sort through the lies and process better. It was from this conversation that I realized that filing for divorce would at least put the outflow of cash to the other woman under scrutiny.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I approached with dignity and respect not aggressive but definitely assertive. Do you love him? Response: oh no it’s not like that he just advised me as to how to open my business. We’re just friends. My response : OK the jig is up you can quit lying because he just admitted everything. Her response: Crying and oh my god my therapist says I’m not a bad person, I’m not a bad person. Me: I had no response to that. Me: Were there many hotel rooms and dinners locally as well as abroad? Response: Well yes there was some of that in the beginning. Crying crying crying her not me- Me; thanks for your time

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned that they both become so entrenched in their lies that even when busted they still preserve the lie. I learned that she does love him. I learned that she is in therapy for this and something bigger than this likely a child from this union. Yet to be proven. I learned above all that my gut was right. A ten + year affair is tantamount to another marriage and there is no easy out. I learned that there allegiance resided with each other and not with us the spouses. I discovered my core strength, my control of my emotions and my capacity for the most difficult decision of my life…to end my 26 year marriage to a man who could lie cheat and steal both emotionally and financially from his wife and children with no compunction, remorse,or reservation.

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Confronting the Other Person: Using a Script

March 13, 2009 by 1 Comment

Scripting what you will say is vitally important in confronting the other person.

A large percentage of my infidelity coaching with individuals is just that… developing a script that will say powerfully and without reactivity (charging neutral) the truth of the situation.

And, I firmly believe that that truth will set free and unclog the channels of deception, lies and secrets.

Now, the script that one forms, what is said, is dependent on the type of affair. The script crafts articulately that which will have the most power in the intervention.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose for confronting the other woman, after my husband’s earlier affair, was closure for myself. I had to show both her and myself that i could be the “bigger” person. I told her that what they did was wrong, extremely wounding to our family, but that I was going to stay with my husband, since he ended the affair and confessed to me, and learn what forgiveness meant. I also told her that I was going to forgive her FOR MYSELF, whether or not she deserved it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I did just that, and did it well, although I must admit to feeling a little victory as I saw the surprise and a bit of fear on her face when she saw me walk into their office.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned that a script is a MUST for confrontation. (I had one.) The injured spouse’s motives for confrontation must be clear and the script must fit those motives. No attacking-that will just set the OP in his belief that you are all the bad things your betraying spouse said about you to the OP. I will not confront my husband’s current OW. He has chosen her over me, filed for divorce, and I see no use in confronting. I still have to work on forgiving them both, if only for my own sake, but there has been no expression of remorse or indication of a turn-around after two years involvement.

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