Some have a burning desire to know about the affair and information about the other person. Some have absolutely no need to know, would prefer not to go there at all.
This case study reflects the person who wants to know. She wanted to know why this happened to her and her marriage after 27 years. Hopefully from this emerges personal growth and a deeper understanding about personal needs and the nature of relationships.
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
To gather information about the nature of the affair. To satisfy my curiosity as to what kind of person was able to ensnare my husband as he was unable to end his attachment, at the time, and was choosing to be with her and end our 27 year marriage.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
The first time I called the other woman the discussion was brief. She was surprised I knew her name and how to contact her. She asked me to call the next day as she was busy. I agreed and thanked her for her time. She immediately called my husband and he then asked me not to contact her again. I agreed. Five months later, my marriage was apparently at its end because my husband was, “too attached,” to end his affair, so I called the other woman again. She was very indignant and self righteous as if she was the wronged party. After initially refusing to talk she began to open up to refute several claims my husband had made about their affair. She asked for my email address to send “proof” that her rendition was more accurate. I hoped to receive the emails but a few days later (after I left a voicemail message restating my email address in case she took it down incorrectly) she sent a rudely worded email, and cc’d my husband, telling me how special the affair was to both her and my husband and that the emails they shared were none of my business and telling both of us not to contact her again. She called my husband a spineless coward, apparently referencing his inability to divorce me for her. My husband’s attempts, at that time, to restart their affair for a third time were rebuffed. He told her that I was just angry at her because he had just told me that he still had feelings for her, which was an amazing demonstration of his ability to lie and try to turn a bad situation around to his advantage (it didn’t work; she dumped him).
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
When I contacted her the second time, I thought my marriage was over so my objective was to learn everything I could to understand how this could happen to me after 27 yrs. of a very good, happy marriage and raising four sons. I was completely incredulous and could not rest until I tried the last (and most promising) source of information on the affair (the other woman). I think my approach was very tactful and disarming for her because she seemed to have had no intention of talking to me but found herself telling all. I learned several very significant details which my husband had lied about-he claimed his lies were to protect me and our marriage, but it’s apparent he just didn’t want to face up to the truth of how awful he was. The information I learned led to further disclosures by my husband, which I wanted. Significantly, I wouldn’t have believed my husband’s inital reaction of siding with the other woman, if I hadn’t seen it. He was furious at me and didn’t care about my feelings at all. All he cared about was the other woman’s feelings. He thought I attacked her and called her names to hurt her, which sounds unbelieveable as if he didn’t know what kind of person I am at all. His first words to me were, “our marriage is over!” Later, in small part because I wanted to test his loyalty, I sent a letter to the other woman’s employer to complain about her seducing my husband while on the job (she’s a flight attendant who asked my husband to take her out while allegedly “working” a nine hour international flight he was on; and I included other highly significant and relevant complaints). I assumed she would contact my husband about it and I could then see his reaction. Unfortunately, she didn’t contact him and I never learned how he would have truly reacted. When I later told him about it, he claimed he had no feelings for her and would agree to what ever I wanted done to keep us in reconciliation.