Infidelity confrontation: Calm and Centered

September 29, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Charging neutral, or being calm and centered when one confronts the other person is a wonderful gift. Read.. and leave comments below…

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I was in a position where I would be meeting her -my husband and I went to a function required for his job. At this point the affair had ended. I approached her and asked her if she would like to talk for a few minutes. She said yes, and we arranged to meet outside at a set time. She began the conversation by apologizing for any pain that she caused. She said that wasn’t her intention; she got “attached” to my husband and still had feelings for him. I did not response. I said very little. I went into this feeling calm and centered, and I believe this is KEY to “confronting”. It was essential to me that I keep my integrity, not divulge information about myself or my relationship with my husband. I would not have initiated this meeting if I had been feeling emotionally charged, angry, or “out of control” in any way. I feel I would have been empowering her/them if I had not been completely in control of myself. I said that I wished for someone available to come into her life, that my husband and I were committed to our marriage and our family. And that was all. I was not cold, just neutral.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

We both expressed to each other that we were glad to have had this short conversation. I came away feeling “done”; like I had done my part and had some closure.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Overall I am satisfied. More than learned, I got an opportunity to get a feel for who she is, and that was important to me.

Coach’s Comments:

She calls it feeling calm and centered. In my E-book, Break Free From the Affair, I call it charging neutral. It is a wonderful and POWERFUL place to be. And, it is highly effective in getting the exact outcome you want.

Part of confronting the other person involves boundaries. What am I going to share? What will I refuse to share? How much information needs to be passed back and forth. Setting in your mind, beforehand, what the boundaries will be, generates a feeling of being in “integrity.”

Confronting the other person brought closure – the feeling of being “done.” Often we need and must close this chapter, as best as we can at the moment, and open a new one.

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Infidelity and Fatal Attraction Played Out

September 27, 2008 by Leave a Comment

In this scenario of Confronting the Other Person, the confronting spouse runs into a disturbed person.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My original purpose for confronting the other person was selfish. I honestly could not believe my husband had an affair.. He admitted to one. In the beginning I felt this was a sick joke both parties were playing on me. Friends of my husband knew more specifics than me and couldn’t believe I wasn’t reacting. When they finally shared some things.. I was slammed with the realization my husband had an affair. This it the start of fatal attraction the movie in my life. I called her and she was sweet as gold… she had the most even toned voice, not at all upset… unlike me… willing to talk endlessly. Even asked me to call her anytime if I need to talk to her. I introduced myself on the phone and asked her if she had an affair with my husband. She admitted yes…. stated her husband was seated beside her at that moment and was aware of everything. She supposedly apologized, but I was so charged I don’t recall it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Outcome… horrible. To further explain, this woman has been with many of her coworkers… 10 as a matter of fact. She was followed by a private investigator who made videos of her with each of them. This information was turned over to me after she was caught in bed with another man. The story went around their workplace like wildfire and the DVD, pictures landed in my car along with video of my own husband and her. This was after I had found out about the affair. In effect, she felt stalked. I did not share the information left in my car.. however, someone else notified the husband that I had this information. It became a threatening issue of him wanting to know who was in the tapes, DVD, pictures, etc. I hadn’t even told him that I had them, but he knew. The outcome was he became threatening more so to me than even my husband! I blocked his emails at work and home… and he finally just went away. It seems a dead issue.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Admittedly, I should have been able to trust my husband that he was having an affair since he admitted to it… how crazy is it that I was still in denial? I’ve learned a great deal about how the other party doesn’t tell truths to her own spouse. He may consider it total truth… but in actuality there is never ever going to be full fledged honesty in an affair. She covered up facts to make herself look better? or him worse? If I had it to do all over again…. I would never ever have responded to his beginning email to let me know if my husband didn’t tell me everything that he would. No matter how burning the need for knowledge… it’s not worth it. Everything that evolved was less than the truth… full of hatred and despise. And nothing that was ever said from the other person or her spouse was helpful towards me in ANY way.

Coach’s Comments:

Here’s the risk: When confronting the other person, you are not sure what you will encounter. You may guess, considering the character and history of your spouse, but that also, is no guarantee you can accurately predict what you will find.

Be aware that confronting the other person may find you embroiled in another person’s (couple’s) sickness. Their sickness may taint your life and leave you with scars. After all, infidelity is a fairly dysfunctional, sick act. It represents much that is not healthy.

If you choose to confront, you stand the risk of becoming part of that sickness, unless you are capable of setting firm boundaries, holding your self and have the capacity to be nonreactive to the situation.

This scenario is especially likely to happen in the “I Don’t Want to Say No” affair or the “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her affair (where rage is the core element.) Stay miles away if you suspect either of these affairs are being played out.

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Emotional Infidelity: Nothing There

September 22, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman in this instance discovered that no one (emotionally) was home.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I contacted the OP to try and reveal some of the truth. I found them together on my anniversary. They were at her home and he backing his vehicle out of her garage. He told me he had to go there because she was going to commit suicide.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

The OP advised me that the affair has been going on for 2 years, they just finished making love, and the passion is so intense between the both of them that neither of them can give up the relationship. She also advised me that she was never going to commit suicide, however she did go on another date that night with another man that did not turn out favorable and my spouse came to the rescue. By other questions that I asked, I found that my spouse was more involved with her sexually than ever with me and nights he spent away from her.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

In this position, I do not regret confronting the OP. I did learn how mislead I was by my spouse. After I confronted the OP, I asked my spouse the same questions watched his body language and I was amazed how well he has lied. I am approaching 4 years after the affair, trying to work things out. I do regret trying to work things out and do wish I ended the relationship when I found them together. This is based on my learning experience from confronting the OP – I am with a professional liar.

Coach’s Comments:

It seems amazing how open and forthright the OP was in divulging the extent of the infidelity. It’s as if saying, “Well, I went to the grocery store, picked up a few things and drove back home.” No big deal.

This is a picture of two people (the OP and the writer’s husband) who merely don’t want to say no. Glands dominate. And, it would appear they will settle for that in a relationship, or are clueless about the power and richness of true intimacy with someone.

Lying becomes second nature for someone how “Can’t say NO.” It’s part of the character. Often lying extends into all arenas of life. It seems there is a need to build an illusion of need entitlement and that illusion is constructed on lies. Little depth.

It appears that he was unable to move any deeper in his relationships. It took four years of her knocking on his emotional door to find there was absolutely nothing behind it.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , ,
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