Confronting the Other Woman: Filling in the Blanks

October 7, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman gives hope that details and the status of the infidelity relationship can be assessed.

Please read and leave comments below…

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

It came as a response to my husbands-no contact-letter to her, ending a 25yr emotional affair that was very one sided. i was present for this letter and added a note as well.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was angry, very angry. she said she felt like she was being accused of something she didn’t do. that she only responded to my husband out of friendship. she contacted him again and told us this. i found the letter before my husband and responded to her first.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I know I would have asked her more or perhaps better guestions as to the extent of my husbands contact with her over the years. he has been very limited in his disclosure of the affair. i would ask her why she didn’t send him packing when he went to see her, contacted her, what she got from his attention to her. why she cheated on her husband with mine. if she realised what she was doing each time she asked my husband to tell her he still loved her.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Secrecy is one aspect of infidelity. It truly makes it infidelity in the sense that collusion between two people against one rules. Secrecy, from my experience, is what makes infidelity crazy-making. One loses ones sense of balance and perspective – can I trust my inklings and intuition?

2. There are grey areas. What is the nature of the above “infidelity” relationship? We’re not sure from the information given. We can assume there was something (it was one-sided and her anger indicates a fairly heavy investment of some sort.)

3. The more details one acquires, the more power one has to make appropriate decisions and act wisely. As the above woman indicates, move beyond generalities. Ask specific questions. Ask them until you can visualize in your mind exactly what happened with the players. Ask charging neutral. If you can’t get details that may be a huge red flag. Or, your spouse may lack the skill or capacity for full disclosure. Let your intuition be the guide there, and trust it.

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Infidelity and No Game Playing

October 5, 2008 by Leave a Comment

I’m continually amazed with the comments I receive about the results of charging neutral – one of my core skills taught in “Break Free From the Affair.”
This person found it extremely helpful in confronting the other person.

What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To warn her about my spouse telling untrue stories about me. I collected her phone nos from my spouse and called her.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

When I spoke with her on the phone, She denied having an affair with my husband while admitting that he actually made advances with the aim of having an affair.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would not bother to call as I later discovered that she reported all my phone conversations with her to my husband. I learned that it is most effective to charge neutral when you discover that your spouse is having a affair.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Here is an ever present danger of confronting the OP, if they are involved in “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” affair – it juices the affair relationship. It keeps it going. It gives it more fuel to burn.

2. Charging neutral puts you in a position of power and will give you the most influence. Don’t we appreciate and admire those who fail to be “game players,” who speak the truth eloquently, quietly, powerfully. It’s like you’ve been struck at your deepest level and you have no recourse but to accept it.

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Confronting the Other Woman: Regrets

October 3, 2008 by 2 Comments

Another case study in the series: Should I Confront the Other Man – Woman:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I contacted her to let her know that he had been lying about the true state of our marriage. I also wanted to confirm some of the dates and statements he had made to me.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She is a Filipino in the U.S. military. I told her that if she hung up on me, my next call would be to her Commander. She did not hang up. I asked her for the time line of the affair, some of it matched up with what my husband had said, some didn’t. I asked if she knew he was married, she did. I asked if she cared that he was married, she didn’t. I asked how she could inject a married man into the lives of her children, she had no answer. I asked if the affair was over for her, she already had a new ‘boyfriend’. I told her what I thought about her, heard her broken English responses, and told her that I felt sorry for her.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would handle the whole situation differently. The moment I found out that he was cheating, I would have severed all contact, bankrupted him, and divorced him. I regret every day that I wasn’t strong enough to step out on my own. I think I sent a horrible message to my sons (it is ok to treat your wife and family disrespectfully) and worse message to my daughter (this is normal, to be expected and tolerated). If I could go back in time, I would tell the broken-hearted me to get up and do what needed to be done to salvage my self-respect. I have none now, nor do I expect to have any.

Coach’s Comments:

This affair is not over. By that I mean this person needs to find a way to embrace herself and treat herself with kindness and respect. Once she is able to do that, to learn from the affair experience, then she will be free from self-loathing. I wonder if she can care for the “broken-hearted me? If she can, a new and vibrant life will emerge for her.

And, she is probably more courageous and strong than she gives herself credit for. Did it not take courage to confront the other person in the way she did? She certainly didn’t roll over and play helpless.

The “throw him/her out” motif is what most of us think we will do – before the act of infidelity occurs. But, it’s easier said than done. We have an investment. We fear the loss and the transition. Many factors make it a very complex situation. So… take it easy on yourself.

Someday you will be able to smile.

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