I’m putting together a series on “confronting the other person.” My readers are providing their stories.

The person in the following scenario suffered some immediate negative consequences with her confrontation. She had forgotten or minimized his pattern of cruelty and disdain. It came back to bite her.

I asked three questions to which the reader responds:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose in confronting him was because I just could not take the stares from others at the hospital where he and his new love worked and where I received my medical care. I did not catch on for a long time (almost a year) and just assumed that they were looking at me out of curiosity because he worked there. As time went on, I realized that they were looking at me with pity in their eyes, not curiosity. The final straw was that I had added him to my cell phone account and the company started sending itemized statements and I realized that many (40+) of the phone calls from his phone were going to a number in another city. I called and found out that it was a nurse who worked at the hospital. A friend of mine finally came up to me and filled me in on the details. My friend had just found out as they had been spotted in a rather compromising position on her floor and she saw it with her own eyes. She told me the nurse was married also and had 4 children. Her husband did not know of the affair but the entire hospital knew. Apparently, they had been caught on more than one occasion by hospital administrators and my husband told them that he was divorced already. We were not divorced and I had no idea that this had even been going on. I was devastated. I finally got up the nerve to go to the floor where the nurse worked and confronted her. She was easy to spot as a ruby and diamond pin, that I thought I had lost, was adorning her uniform. I held my temper in check somehow, although I wanted to deck her which would have been a trick since I am handicapped. She knew who I was and tried to steer me clear of any of the other nurses being able to hear us. I stood my ground and did not really care who heard us. I did not raise my voice, nor did she. I told her what I thought of her, told her she deserved neither a husband nor children, and left in tears. She simply did not care. I turned to look back as I was leaving and she was already on the cell phone.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Well, if I had an inkling of how far and how long it had been going on, I would have protected myself financially before I even caught on that I knew. By the time I finished with my appointment at the hospital and got home and starting thinking a little more clearly about practical matters like money and how I was going to take care of myself as I was handicapped and could not work, it was already too late. He had just been to the bank, thanks to the warning that I had given without thinking clearly to both him and the nurse, and took $40,000.00 out of our joint account, leaving a balance of less than $100.00. This was some of the money that I received as a result of a settlement for an injury that I had received. The only saving grace was that I had purchased a nice mobile home and paid cash for it and put it in my name only. Same with the car. But I had virtually no money left. I am now on food stamps ($160.00 per month) and General Assistance ($56.00 per month). He is living very well.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes, I definitely would have done it differently. Knowing, just from the marriage that he could be very cruel and vindictive (although he had little reason to be), I would have hit the bank first to be honest with you. I would never have let on at all that I knew what was going on until I had a plan in place and knew that I had the funds to be able to take care of myself. But I really was emotionally devastated by this, whereas for him when I finally spoke to him about it, he said he felt “entitled” to do what made him happy and if that involved an affair with someone else, so be it. He also said that he felt that I had already served his purpose. The lessons I learned are many and very important. Never, ever, ever think that love alone will carry the day. You have to keep your eyes open and question things. Make sure you have the means, if available, to take care of yourself. And if you do, make sure you protect yourself before taking the bull by the horns. The truly sad part of this is that I still loved him at this point and in some ways, still do. But the life I thought we were building was a fantasy. Never allow your emotions to dictate your actions. Step back, take inventory, protect yourself, and then do what you have to do.