Confronting the Other Man: No Remorse – Bad Sign

April 16, 2009 by Leave a Comment

The major intent of confronting the other person is usually to break up the affair, generate some sort of shift in the triangle (spouse, other person and cheating spouse) so there is a movement toward resolution.

This wounded spouse had a big strike against him and he was aware of it. His cheating spouse was showing no remorse, no guilt, no fear. It would seem her mind was made.

But, I’ve bumped into many who seemed hell bent on continuing the affair (especially the “I Fell out of Love… and just love being in love”) but at some point make a radical shift and end the affair.

Usually the cheating spouse in the “Fell out of love” affair has some “softness” about him/her. I get the impression the cheating wife below had a “hardness” about her.

So, he appeals to the other man, in hopes he has some sensitivity.

Was it a mistake to tell the other person not to tell the cheating wife about the confrontation? Most likely. And he is aware of this mistake. It fanned the fumes of the affair.

In hindsight, the wounded husband could have gotten about 2 inches from her eyebrows and said, “I’m not tolerating this anymore. I do not share my wife with another person. I’m confronting the other man to find out what he’s made of. And, I want you to know this.”

That intervention would have tested her “hardness” and resolve as well as state a very clear position which is not only attractive but very healthy.

He probably had little to lose with this sort of confrontation.

Here’s the case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose for confronting the other man was partly to bring it out into the open that I knew who he was. I also hoped that he would back off and give me time to try and save my marriage. I had learned who he was by secretly reading my wife’s e-mail (after she had admitted being involved with someone). I also knew from the e-mail that he seemed to feel much more guilt about the situation than my wife did (my wife seemed to feel no guilt whatsoever). I asked him if he was the one my wife was involved with. He said yes. I asked him to back off and he said he would. I also asked him not to tell my wife we had talked, and he said he couldn’t do that because he would have to explain to her why he was backing off.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

My wife was extremely upset when I told her I had talked to him and immediately went to see him. In the short term I think he did back off a little, at least as far as sex, and stopped letting her stay overnight. They continued to see each other, though. My request that he not tell her made me look sneaky and made my wife angry that I was “interfering with her life”. My wife moved out several months later, is still involved with the other man, and we’re proceeding towards divorce. My wife has even gone as far as introducing him to our children as her friend.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have avoided asking him not to tell her we had talked. I’m not sure if there was a way I could have handled a confrontation that would have had a more positive outcome.

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Confronting the Other Man and Wife: Driven

March 8, 2009 by Leave a Comment

This real-time story is laced with a powerful determination. The cheated upon husband “sets up” the other man and confronts his own wife with the evidence. He also shares the evidence with the op’s wife.

Please note the almost desperation and single minded focus of this wounded man.

Did he stop the affair? Sounds like it.

What happened to his marriage? We don’t know. He was on a mission and accomplished his mission,but we are left wondering about the aftermath.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

Purpose was to discover and stop the affair with strong evidence. What i did was create a false sense of security for him, which he fell for in a matter of minutes. I then requested he contact me (as in me pretending to be my wife) which he did. From there, many truths were learned. Later that day, I took her cellphone with me for a business meeting. This in itself caused panic whereby she attempted to contact him for several hours. There is alot more to it, however this is pretty much the core of it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

After discovering they were found out, there was no inclination or intention to come forward with the truth. After 24 hours, I had collated my evidence and approached her with it. It was here that a confession (per se) was put forward. These were all lies regardless as the evidence spoke for itself. From there an ultimatum was given to him to tell his wife what he had done. He refused to do so even though he continued to feign that he did. He had abandoned my wife altogether and pretended she did not exist. He wouldn’t return my/her calls and responded to emails with one liners full of guilt. After tracking his wife down, she was advised by me of his activities with my wife. His own wife left him after that.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned that emotions can drive one to do incredible things. I would have allowed the game to be played out for a little longer, as this would have given me more of an insight into how/what my wife had really thought of our marriage. This was a culmination of many different “types” of affairs, however for him, he only saw it as harmless fun. In fact these were the words he told his wife.

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Confronting the Other Man: Macho May Work

March 5, 2009 by Leave a Comment

As I’ve read through more than a hundred stories of confronting the other person, a theme begins to emerge. A high number confront the other person to establish some type of control or power in their situation. Sometimes it works. Sometimes the confrontation is a disaster.

Of course, this follows my theory that affairs are different and it takes different strategies for different types of affairs to insure a successful intervention.

The person below realized that his confrontation involved his need to be “macho.”

But, it had a powerful impact. My guess: she was involved in a “I fell out of love…and just love being in love type of affair. She was playing and got caught.

Side note: the confrontation enables this man to free himself from the infidelity and blame.

One final thought that this confrontation teaches: You must NOT bluff when you walk out.

Interesting story:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

Some of it was a macho thing to be honest. Most of it was partial closure for me.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I’d gotten to the point where it was decision time for me, and I called him to tell him that he could have her and I wanted nothing more to do with her. I told my wife of the call what I told him. The blood drained from her face when I showed call details showing that I called the guy she’d been seeing. I tossed the phone on the bed and walked to get my suitcase as I’d decided to leave then & there. My wife stayed in the room while I calmly packed and listened to her tell me how much she loved me, how little the OP means to her, and how this was all the worst mistake of her life, etc. he OP ended up hearing things like, “He means nothing to me. Please don’t pack. You can’t leave.” More things about how unimportant he really was to her and so on. A short time later I was in the basement getting other things to take. The house phone rang and it was the OP calling my wife. I was downstairs and didn’t hear the phone. A couple of minutes later my wife came down and told me of the call, and that he’d heard everything we were saying upstairs. He didn’t answer the call and it filled his voice mail with several minutes of her rantings & crying of how little the OP meant to her, etc. The call he made to her on the house phone basically told her to end all contact and things were over. The following day the OP called my cell while I was at work. When I had called him the previous evening, I blocked my cell number, and the accidental on was also blocked as it was a re-dial. I asked him how he had my number and he admitted to taking it and many others from my wife’s cell phone months earlier. He then asked if I had intentionally called him & left the line open. When I explained the accident he could see how it happened with flinging the phone. I was able to get quite a bit of information regarding the questions I’d had for some time. I was even able to find out that the OP had been on outings with my wife and she even brought our our eight year old son with them. It turned out that a couple we knew went double-dating with them on more than one occasion. In simple terms there were apparently no limits as far as my wife’s conduct was concerned.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

While some of the information stung quite a bit, it was good to know and I realize that I needed it. It cleared up many mysteries surrounding the previous months and allowed me to stop wrestling with my own destructive guilt & shame. I was able properly see that there was no way for me to anticipate or counter what she did. There were no warnings that tipped me off and no horns of alarm. Of course, having gone through this experience, I now see things quite differently. I see that while there were no warnings horns, there were things that I was missed in our relationship. Things that may have had a difference, no matter how small. But the bottom line is that I was able to stop torturing myself for bad decisions that she decided to make regarding her lack of commitment to our children and me.

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