There is often no obvious game plan when confronting infidelity and the other person. Confrontation often depends on the kind of affair a person faces and other factors.

Confronting the other person can be a beginning point, for discovering one’s internal strength as this case study points out:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

The op was a bank employee. We both had accounts there. When I found out I went down there closed my account and told her if she wanted my husband she could have him when I was done with him. She repeatedly told me that they were just friends. I told her just friends is not 15 phone calls a day back and forth & him at her house behind his the wife’s back. A friendship I would of known about then why all the secrets.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Nothing. They continued this for one year now. All the time my EX is still denying it. She called me just last week and I filled her in with everything from this past year. I thought we were working on things but she informed me that they have been a couple since last year. He continued with me for the past year also. I should of spoken with her earlier and dumped his ass earlier. I think she gave him the boot also (for now).

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

No. I felt some relief telling her off and letting her know what kind of woman she was to interfere in someone’s 20 year marriage. If she was any kind of woman she would butt out and see what happens. But she didn’t. Now I feel like I got revenge. Maybe now they can hurt like I did. It is over for good now. Knowing the truth finally will give me the strength to move forward. I can say that I hate him for doing this to me.

Coach’s comments:

1. Where does one begin in claiming one’s strength? In exercising that strength? The spouse in the above scenario used confronting the other woman to find some of her strength.

2. Granted, her strategy leaves much to be desired. She was unable to charge neutral. She did not give much forethought to her intervention. She was most concerned with venting and spilling her anger.

3. One fairly positive outcome was using the other person for information on the status of that relationship. The spouse obviously was getting very little input from her husband. That relationship seems doomed, does it not?

4. For all of us, there is a starting point. Give this spouse credit for taking action, although she would have benefited by standing back, getting some coaching, doing some research, reading and study to determine the best path – and then take action.

Should you confront the other woman?

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

My purpose of confronting the other woman was to try and get her to understand the pain and devastation she was inflicting on me and my sons. I asked her if she knew or understood the pain she has caused me. I have spent 31 years of my life with this man and she is encouraging him by staying with him…now keep in mind she had already moved in with my Ex. She had been living with him several months prior to my confrontation.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

Well, basically, nothing happened. I did the talking and she said nothing. She wouldn’t even look at me! The outcome was this, she had claimed to have been abused in some way as my Ex told me. I found later she claimed to have been raped…hmm…another long story but, I did tell her if she was abused in anyway, I’m sorry I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. Before I left I hugged her. She gasped! She wasn’t expecting that and I didn’t have a clue I was going to do this! Well, I found out later that day she told my Ex that I had met her and my Ex had the nerves to say to me, if you want me to TRUST you, you better tell me everything truthfully from now on????

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would not do it again! I learned that it is a waste of time to talk to my Ex’s other woman. They are completely not in their right minds! My Ex’s ow showed no remorse…none whatsoever. She absolutely did not care!

Coach’s comments:

1. One is usually beating his/her head against a brick wall if the intent is to gain empathy and understanding from the other person. This might happen in the “I want to be close to someone, but can’t stand intimacy affair” and the “I need to prove my desirability.” But, even if a person gains empathy and understanding, is that really going to help? Wouldn’t you want empathy and understanding from your spouse?

2. Do I sense some underlying frustration, sense of helplessness? Did she want to engage her/him in some way, and they either lacked the capacity for that kind of engagement or flat out refused to do so.