Getting the Truth from a Cheating Husband

May 20, 2009 by 3 Comments

This case study illustrates the importance of what I call charging neutral. The bottom line: place yourself in a position in which you, with an inner calm and strength, can state your position and concerns, your version of the truth, with clarity.

Few words. Powerful, pointed words, however.

Charging neutral is easier said than done. It took this woman 2 months to get to the point where she was ready. Note what she had to do to get to that point of confronting him with power, calm and the truth.

Case Study:

When I suspected he was having an affair, I suffered not knowing for sure. I had low self-esteem because I was overweight, so before I confronted him, I worked out for two months. I told myself I had to look better in order to empower myself through better self-esteem. When I looked better, I wrote him a long letter and asked him to read it, discussing our marriage, my feelings, his bad treatment of me, but didn’t mention the affair suspicions. I wanted to confront him with that face to face to see his eyes, his reaction. The letter broke the wall between us, then I used that opening to ask him. He admitted to it, said he was already going to end it, he was sorry, and didn’t want me know or be hurt. I am still in so much pain…but it was a beginning, and hopefully we will see this through, and I will find peace in my heart one day.

2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.

self improvement has been the best..losing weight, more care about my appearance. But I still suffer….it has been 7 months since I confronted him. But exercise and self improvement, and asking him to aknowledge how badly I hurt has helped.

Filed Under: Infidelity Impact Tagged With: , , ,

Needing a Script to Confront the Other Woman

May 18, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Confronting the other woman as a reaction, as an attempt to vent one’s hostility, to flail at the other woman usually does not work.

You may feel better, empowered, as some say, but to get a desired, targeted response is problematic.

Creating a script before hand and rehearsing that script offers the best opportunity to stand back and effectively confront the other person, getting the desired response.

These two case studies illustrate this point:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do

She used to be one of my closest friends. I had tried to maintain some bit of a friendship after discovering their emotional affair (they had “only” held hands and kissed for 3 years!) but she had continued to pursue my partner. I asked her to explain what she was up to – probably in a more hostile manner than I intended when I decided to do it.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She said she had nothing to explain. He was the one doing all the running. I was being unfair. They “didn’t do anything”, just had a “special friendship” and “everyone has a right to their secrets”.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have stayed calmer and worked out a script in advance. Or, I wouldn’t have done it at all. I think I just fed her drama queen hunger and I was left feeling worse – and less secure – than before.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I never met her but sent some very angry emails. I didn’t know what to do with my rage. (the only time I’d felt it…what a horrible emotion. There was only one that I’d send over again which was “You are a fool. If I can’t trust him after 25 years, what makes you think you can?” My others were impulsive and mistakes.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

It brought the two of them closer giving them common ground.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Altho I doubt it was possible, I learned I should not have been contacting either my husband or his “soulmate”. (Yuck). Looking back…I was fueling the situation.

Filed Under: Confronting the Other Person Tagged With: , , ,

The Marital Affair and Your Rage

September 5, 2008 by 11 Comments

What do you do with your anger/rage?

Do you feel it? Do you think it? Do you plot devious scenarios in your mind to “get even?”

Do you express it? Do you keep it buried deep within? Does it come out around the edges – short with children, loved ones, kick the dog, etc?

Are you fearful of expressing directly to your cheating husband or wife the intensity of your anger/rage? …Fearful that your anger/rage will only inflame the situation or drive him/her to the other person and away from you?

Does your anger/rage wear away at you, internally? Do you suffer physical symptoms of this internal churning? Have you noticed the tightness in your muscles, in your body? Do you feel the knot in your stomach? Do you experience other physical discomfort as if your body is crying out to you for some sort of relief?

What to do with the rage, the anger???

Well, watch this video and leave your comments. Do you approve of this means? Do you find it humorous? Do you find it cathartic? Do you wish it is something you could do? Do you think it’s harmful? or helpful? Have you done it? If so, what has happened.

I’m not suggesting you do this. However, watching it might enable you to touch that anger in you and decide how best to cope with it.

Or…. you might just get a good laugh out of it…

Filed Under: Surviving Infidelity Tagged With: , , , ,
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