The Powerful Impact of Infidelity

February 22, 2009 by Leave a Comment

If you just discovered your spouse is cheating and having an affair, feel totally devastated, yet think you shouldn’t feel that way… think again.

Read these comments from folks struggling with the impact of infidelity:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

1- His infidelity made me feel worthless, as if every thing we have done together toward the relationship, was not enough for him (maybe it wasn’t) but why to lie and act as if everything was okey? 2- In a matter of minutes I went from happy, confident, smart, funny, and patient to anxious, stupid, retarded, and sad. I lost my self-esteem and desire to have a career, nice house, anything with him. I’m so anxious around him that I can barely drive, or talk and understand (I’m a Spanish speaker, his American) 3- I didn’t have any reason to go to work, gym, shopping, party, or just talk to people. I was afraid someone could know and ask me about it. I lost my pride. 4- I normally receive lots of compliments, from friends, customers, and strangers! but I only receive critics from him. I never look perfect for him, he always find something wrong, and that makes me insecure because I have to think about how to please him and myself at the same time.

Infidelity has changed the way my husband thinks about us. He is staying with me out of obligation. Therefore I think a lot about my value as a marriage partner, and what I could give to someone who truly wants me in his life. I would be a gold mine for someone who would appreciate me. The affair has changed him as a person. He seems to get so little joy in anything and has become very self-absorbed…therefore he is unable and lacks desire to give me what I need in marriage. I am the one doing all the trying. Therefore I think again about options for me. His affair has left me untrusting. This is his 3rd affair, and makes me question why I would stay with someone like this. He is a good man and a good provider. We have been married 39 years, have a great family and some great memories. We have been commuting between DC and AZ for several years due to job situations. We built a new home in the DC 1 1/2 years ago, and I was to move here in that time. Things had been great until a year ago when his affair changed all that. (He has no idea how the affair happened, but refuses to understand the whys and hows of it.) I have had great therapy through all this turmoil. After much thought, I recently gave up my home and my job in AZ to come to DC where he has been living so as to try to put this marriage back together again. It is a work in progress. I spend my time doing things in the home and I am a physical fitness buff…so my days are easily filled with meaningful things. I am a people pleaser and have a lot of friends. But I do miss work. My life where it was once very secure, is now filled with questions and doubt. I am a spiritual person and I know I was led to come here to try to save my marriage. In the event this does not work out, I want to feel comfortable in the knowledge I did everything I could to preserve what we had before I toss away 39 years. I am an extremely competent, attractive and full of life. If I had to I know I would make it on my own. But my life is definitely different and somewhat uncertain. At a time when we should be contemplating retirement and enjoying our 3 beautiful grandchildren….life is now one big question mark for me. Thank you

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Surviving infidelity: The Empathy Challenged Cheating Spouse

October 24, 2008 by Leave a Comment

I receive emails daily from spouses whose partner is cheating and having an affair.

A Common complaint is, bottom line, they don’t seem to care or they just don get it (me.)

This, I observe is the result of being with a partner who who lacks empathy and the capacity to enter the world of another person.

After all, this is a primary reason for someone having an affair… they lack this capacity, are truly looking for intimacy, but believe it can only be found “out there” after failing to have the necessary resources, skills, aptitude, insight to get it in relationship with their spouse.

(This is not a put-down. We ALL are challenged in ways in creating intimacy! But, some of us choose not to use an affair to mend our problem.)

Here are some common complaints from the cheated upon spouse about the cut-off and distance:

>>>>>He thinks because the affair has supposedly stopped, I should immediately believe him and never challenge his word.
>>>>>He treats my likes and dislikes as bad, if they differ from his, instead of just different.
>>>>>It is always his way or the highway, never any compromise.
>>>>>He criticizes me “for my own good.”
>>>>>He refuses to give me valid reasons for why I cannot go with him on “business” trips.
>>>>>Talks on cell in car with the other person
>>>>>Comes home late
>>>>>Shares business Emails daily with the other person
>>>>>Gives me his bad side
>>>>>Them working together Their continued “friendship”
>>>>>His confrontation that I perpetuate the anguish because I continue to receive e-mails from self-help

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Infidelity Dilemma: Why Doesn’t He Leave?

October 23, 2008 by 2 Comments

Love has not much to do with infidelity or extramarital affairs. Infidelity and affairs have much to do with powerful personal needs over which the cheating spouse seemingly has little awareness or control.

So, a common theme for the cheating spouse is: “I won’t make any decision.” S/he tries to maintain a broken, fragmented world of secrecy and deception.

His/her sense of personal control and power may be so limited he waits for others to make decisions for him/her.

And so his/her spouse waits for him/her to decide or act decisively when s/he has little capacity to decide.

Here’s a case study:

The question: List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

Before my husband starting having the affair our marriage was already on rocky ground. He even let me know during one of our marriage counseling sessions that he was looking for someone else. Not soon after that he found someone else. I thought he would soon leave and that would be the end of that. But that was 7 months ago and he is still having the affair and has not left yet. He stays home some nights and with her some nights. This is all I think about. Is he coming home tonight or will he go over there. I feel like he has no respect for my feeling what so ever. I’m not sure how much more of this i can take, but every time I try to leave and go live somewhere else he makes all sorts of threats to me. I just don’t understand why he keeps coming home, why doesn’t he move in with her. Does that mean he still loves me or just doesn’t care enough about her to give me up?

Filed Under: Infidelity Impact Tagged With: , ,
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