Confronting the Other Man: Last Nail in the Marriage Coffin

November 7, 2008 by Leave a Comment

When confronting the other man, be prepared for what you might find if you suspect betrayal. Read this case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

First my wife asked me to divorce without telling me she was having an affair with someone, and giving me no real reason to divorce. Because of respect to her will, even if ill used, I said OK, feel free to go. Then, some days later, I learned by my own means there was an OP, and who the OP was. Then I wanted to know if both were serious about their affair and did intend to turn it into a lasting relationship. I loved my wife deeply and was afraid she was not very balanced at the moment because of a series of external factors. I wanted to let it know to the OP and at the same time show him I knew who he was and was ready to “give up” on my wife if so she wished… and was serious about him.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He showed surprise when I called him. Then he told me I should not be talking to him about the affair, but to my wife. Told me that, in fact, my wife no longer thought of herself as of my wife, but as his partner, and that it had been so for longer than I suspected. He said my wife was very balanced and she had already made her mind up about leaving me. Then I learned my wife was not leaving me for him, but she had decided some 3-4 years ago she no longer wanted to be my partner, or not wanted me to be hers, and had been looking for someone more akin to her and her “new life-style”, til she found this guy (a married man, by the way, 3-4 years younger than her).

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned the OP was very confident about their affair and that could only mean my wife was serious about their relationship and definitely would not stay with me. I felt a bit uncomfortable during the 15 minutes call, but managed not to loose my temper somehow. I would do it again? Probably yes, but was a very hard experience because of the information I grasped about my wife not having considered herself as such for so long. A real liar and deceiver, a total traitor. It helped me decide not to fight for her and respect her will, even if it was mean of her to have behaved that way towards me in the last 2 years.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Talking to the other person may put another nail in the coffin of your marriage or relationship. Most, when they discover the affair, are ambivalent about staying in the marriage. Sure, a part of them wants to save the marriage and hope it can be salvaged. Much is at stake. However, another part asks: “Do I really want to be married to someone who keeps secrets and betrays?” And, of course, the answer is no.

2. So, one part leans toward saving the marriage and the other part has a foot (toe, maybe) out the door.

3. When this man talked to the other person a new world was opened to him. She would not stop seeing the op. The marriage was much more irreparable than he initially thought. Although difficult, he was slammed with the fact that the marriage appeared to be over… and was over for a number of years.

4. If you consider confronting the OP, please be prepared to encounter all possible scenarios.

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The Impact of Infidelity and Betrayal

November 1, 2008 by 2 Comments

How does infidelity impact a person?

Check these out from my readers.

The last one is telling.

>>>>>Infidelity has destroyed my trust in my spouse and also I don’t trust myself to make good decisions for fear of being hurt again. My self esteem is at an all time low.

>>>>>I am not happy anymore. I think I’m depressed. I don’t trust him anymore. I ma very emotionally sensitive these days.

>>>>>It feels like it will never be over. Not until HE acknowledges what he did and is able to accept my forgiveness and show that he has changed the way he lives his live. I honestly want to have cordial relationship with him, but because he cannot “own” what he has done he continues to act like a jerk toward me when there is no reason for it. I don’t trust myself to pick another partner. I don’t want to put anymore energy into developing a new relationship with another man. It is hard to keep my relationships with my in-laws, though we are very fond of each other and they have been very supportive of me.

>>>>>I spend alot of the time thinking about how she could do this to our family. Going over the last 9 months and all of the events and arguments seems to get me no peace. She has filed for a divorce and I still cannot believe that she would tear apart not only my world but also our two daughter’s world also. I am low, depressed and wondering/hoping that this will end. It is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I live somewhere else and all I want to do is go home and make her happy but she doesn’t want me. It’s in God’s hands all I can do is worry about my kids. My wife of 13 years has left me for a fantasy!

>>>>>I realized that I deserve more than I have been getting. I have started to feel more confident in myself. I have opened myself to possible relationships with other men. I have started going out with my friends.

>>>>>I don’t take myself for granted. I basically took off and made myself a new life when he told me he wanted a divorce. I now know how much fun it is to start over and do exactly what I want and need to do. Incidentally, he followed me, we reconciled and things are better now than they were before.

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Marital Infidelity: Confronting the Other Person – She Dropped Him

August 8, 2008 by 2 Comments

She dropped him like a hot potato.

This is another real life story as we study and research the question of confronting the other person.

Good idea? Bad idea?

Check this one out and my comments following:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

Purpose to get her to stop all contact with my husband and refuse his phone calls and emails. She was Chinese, half his age and he saw her on business trips to Asia (which he extended) and spoke to her almost every day over the internet. I found out they met in foreign cities when she was supposed to be on business for her company. I also found out that she told him she could never tell her father about him. I called her (got her phone number from his phone log) and told her that if she had any further contact with him I would call her boss and tell him that when he thought she was on business for him she was really meeting a western, married man twice her age(I found out the name of her company and the head of it) and that I would tell her father, too (this I could not do in reality). I DID NOT TELL MY HUSBAND THAT I DID THIS

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She dropped him like a hot potato. I know he kept trying to contact her for awhile and finally gave up.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would have done it sooner. I learned not to be passive, afraid or intimidated; to act strong and forceful even when you are scared inside, to project an image of confidence.

Coach’s comment:

I suspect that he was engaged in an “I Don’t want to Say No” affair. The two of them (he and the other person) had, it appears, a relationship that would always maintain its emotional distance. Was he a player? Was she a player? Probably. T

his was a shrewd move on the spouse’s part to contact the other person.

Why? She knew that the other person feared what her father (authority figure) would think/do. And, of course this meant she might be petrified of her boss’s response.

I would be concerned that he might find another “emotionally distant” person to hook up with.

But, isn’t it good that the wife discovered some of her strength and power? I wonder what would happen if she told her husband exactly what she did and implied, “You better watch out. I’m not putting up with any more crap from you!”

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