After the Affair: Healing the Marriage

January 9, 2009 by Leave a Comment

Here are some more comments about those who heal the marriage after infidelity:

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

1) We are making an effort to heal the wound by starting with “one” issue at a time. For instance “working together” was a huge problem for us. We made a point of finding one thing that would allow us to “work together”. Once we succeeded, we could feel the wall between us coming down. 2) In terms of trust issues, which is huge, my husband (the adulterer) made an extreme effort to keep me aware of his whereabouts at all times. In the past, he lied, didn’t return phone calls or answer his phone when he was cheating. Now, he lets me know where he is and that has helped me feel more secure and get closer to trusting him more.

We started listening to each other and talking with out anger. We started doing very simple things together like clean the house, make dinner, go out with our children as a family. We forgave one another for the transgressions.

1. No matter how bad it is, take some time every week to do something fun together. Agree that you are not going to talk about problems, just have a fun time. 2. When a conversation turns into an argument, don’t say anything about divorce. That is damaging. When you need to calm down, say “TIME OUT”, and walk away.

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After the Affair: Healing the Marriage

January 8, 2009 by Leave a Comment

What do couples do to heal the marriage after the affair? One of my readers wrote what worked best for them:

First “I” sat myself down and asked myself if saving my marriage was what I really wanted or was the pain of the affair blocking my judgment. Second; We, my husband and I took a long drive to a park over looking a river. There we calmly listened to each other; step by step he reveled what happened and from there we began to heal. Third; it is now almost four years later, we are enjoying a new kind of life with each other, bought a boat we always wanted and a new home. We kept family and friends out of our process of healing; to much advice is not a good thing. This was the hardest thing I had ever done, still at times I feel like walking away yet I know it is only my ego that is hurt, he after all stayed with me not her. I had not begged or demanded for his return, I just kept talking to myself; who knows me better than ME?. After A four year affair, things have turned out to be a strange blessing, my husband and I have never been so interested in what the other is doing, it is pretty nice knowing he finally wants to know about my day. One last thing; DO NOT bring up the affair after you have had that long talk at your favorite place, get out all the questions you feel you need to know at that time and let the rest go……….if you don’t you wont be able to end the affair for either of you!

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After the affair Revelations – the Blame Game

December 4, 2008 by Leave a Comment

I usually caution people in accepting blame for the affair of their spouse. Sometimes, I must say to them, “No, you did not make him/her do this. S/he is responsible for his/her decisions and actions.

It’s very easy to believe that you did not do enough, were inadequate in some ways, or, as the person below states, he thought the affair was a result of him not meeting her needs.

He later, after the affair, discovers some of the same old patterns of behavior emerge.

Please read what he says:

I must be honest with you. I really thought that it was because I was not meeting my spouses emotional needs but, I just don not know anymore because some of the things that lead to the affair are now creeping back into our lives. Something is not right because our intimacy is a struggle. Communications is a struggle. It is more like she communicates with me to get what she wants. When I bring up issues that I want or need she often says that is not true or that I do not understand. I have tried to the best of my abilities to deal with this situation and the truth be known I am feeling very much alone and all that has happened is blame upon myself. My spouse does not accept her responsibility in the affair but says it was my fault. You know I do not know if this helps at all but it has really sucked for the past 2 years. As far as tolerating things you know she got off way to easy and as a result she takes advantaged of my good nature. What the hell, do people care anymore or is it just what they can suck out of someone else regardless of how much they hurt you or walk all over you?

Filed Under: After the Affair Tagged With: ,
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