I was talking to a coaching client a while back and she has made tremendous progress in charging neutral, a skill I teach that is highly effective for most of the types of affairs I describe in my e-book. (It’s not as effective or desirable in the “I Don’t Want to Say No” affair and the “I Want to be Close to Someone… but can’t stand intimacy” affair.)
Anyway, charging neutral was triggering an interesting and favorable response from her husband. She was getting what she wanted. The tension was appreciably less and life seemed to be headed in a good direction.
The next time I talked to her, her world had fallen apart again.
Here’s what happened:
Initially his behavior changed in response to her change… charging neutral. He was probably curious and a little frightened.
What frightened him about an “improvement” in her behavior?
Well, she was changing the rules of the relationship. She no longer was playing along with him in ways that were familiar to him.
He no longer could count on her to be there for him in ways that, at least from his perspective, enabled him to continue the affair and his destructive behavior.
And so, what did he do?
He ramped up his old behavior as a way to get her back “playing the game,” so he could continue on the old path.
Hang in there. This too shall pass.