Identifying Barriers to Rebuild the Marriage

There are plenty of couples who decide to stay together after infidelity and make the marriage work. But making the decision to do so is different from actually doing it, and most couples find themselves having a hard time moving forward.

Where the marriage will go after infidelity and how it will get there depends greatly on you and your partner’s individual emotional and cognitive barriers. These barriers could range from a simple case of a fear of being rejected or ridiculed, especially on the offender’s side, to a number of other issues you could be going through but are too afraid to share.

If you find yourself having difficulty in moving forward from infidelity, try this exercise and list down the barriers you think are keeping you from moving on. Identifying these barriers are a good way to finding out what specific concerns you are having issues with, and it will take you a step closer to rebuilding your marriage.

Share this list with your partner and tell him or her to the exercise as well. Being able to open up with your partner about whatever barriers or issues you are having is a great way to start fixing your problems and your marriage. Doing this with your partner will lead to a lot of progress in the long run.

Do I Really Want to Stay in the Marriage After Infidelity?

Most people who discover that their partners are having, or used to have, an extramarital affair have a hard time deciding between staying in the marriage or leaving. Different people have reasons for staying or leaving.

The following are some of these reasons. Read on to see if any of these apply to you, and take some time to reflect on your situation.

Do I really want to stay in the marriage or…?

1. Am I afraid that I won’t be capable of getting out of the marriage? Am I scared of starting over? Of doing it all on my own? Will I be able to survive without my partner?

2. Am I doing it because I feel like my partner needs me? Maybe if I leave, he won’t be able to cope and will only get worse. Am I just staying to make things easier for him?

3. Am I afraid of what he might do? What if I confront him and tell him I’m leaving, and he hurts me? Or worse, what if he hurts the children?

4. Have I forgotten to think about myself? Have I forgotten about my wants and needs because of every other responsibility that I have to face? What are the hopes and desires and dreams I have that have nothing to with my partner?

Confronting Infidelity: Knowing the Actions of Your Partner

Discovering that your partner is having an affair is never easy. And one of the ways an individual deals with it is usually by asking about the details of the other relationship. Asking about the things your partner did with the other person – whether they had sex or not, where they went, what they talked about, when were they together and how often – these things become the basis for what you are going to do next and how you will handle the situation.

Remember that there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to know the details of your partner’s affair. A lot of couples have gone through and are going through a situation like this, and plenty of them are most likely reacting the same way.

The following are some reasons why the need to know is strong:

1. It becomes kind of a competition. You want to know what your partner did with the other person because it becomes a push for you to do better. You want to prove yourself and prove that you are better. For some couples, knowing the details of the sexual interactions in the other relationship heightens their sexual encounters and brings to the surface some hidden fantasies or desires.

2. It creates a connection between you and your partner. In some relationships, emotional distance creates a barrier that keeps your from really being together, and the affair, or talking about the affair, becomes a reason for you to communicate and reconnect.

In other cases, the affair may be a way for your partner to stir up some drama or get revenge. Your partner brings it up or talks about it a lot to get a reaction from you.

3. You want to be able to protect yourself health-wise, especially if your partner is having an active sexual affair. You need to know the details of his sexual encounters and the extent of protection used, so that you will know if you need to get yourself checked from STDs and so that you can protect yourself against them.