Probably one of the biggest issues that couples have to face once infidelity becomes a part of their relationship is how to rebuild the trust that they’ve lost in each other. So what can they do fix that?
Victims of infidelity ask if it’s possible for them to be able to trust their partners the way they used to before the affair, and they wonder if they will ever be able to just relax around their partners and not be suspicious or doubtful regarding their partners’ actions.
Rebuilding or restoring lost trust after infidelity is not an easy thing to do, but one of the things that could help you get through it is to change the things that you want to happen in your life post infidelity and how you see the situation that you are in apart from your partner.
What do you think would it take for you to trust your partner again? Or better yet, to trust him in a different way? Communicate these things to your partner and let him or her know what you are going through. If both of you decide that you want to stay in the relationship and try to make it work, then both of you should make a conscious effort to decide what it would take for both of you to rebuild the trust you lost.
During this time, it’s easy to focus on the negative things that have happened like the lying, betrayal and the actual cheating itself. And although these things shouldn’t be ignored, you shouldn’t concentrate all your energy on them and try to focus your thoughts on the things that are happening around you, the things that need to happen in your relationship, and the things that you want to happen for yourself as well.
It may seem like the hardest possible thing for you to do right now but it’s important that you do it to be aware of the reality of what is happening to you, your partner and your relationship at this very moment. What if you begin to feel that your partner may be having another affair? Will you be able to handle it is he or she is? And is this betrayal something that you can go through all over again? Are you going to tolerate this behavior from your partner?
Decide what you want for yourself and where you draw the line on things that you will put up with. Discuss with your partner the boundaries you need to have in your relationship and stand by the things you want and need for yourself.
It’s time that you think of the possibilities that you have in your life, and decide whether you want those possibilities or not.
Yes I agree with everything that Dr. Bob has said. My husband and I are trying to save/repair our marriage. After much reading (I mean HUNDREDS of hours of research I have discovered that spouse (and myself) have narcissistic personalities. Much of infidelity advice doesn’t work well with narcissist. Someone with these personality traits is in a has so much pain and anger in them that standard techniques are not as effective as one would like, actually some of the things I’ve ended up trying are somewhat in opposition to convential advice. I was able to learn how to forgive by deciding that I only wanted to focus on moving forward and the positive in our marriage, not keep looking back on all the awful stuff. Basically I decided that I most likely know the ” basic truth” about the affair (after much detective work). Do I know ALL the details? No, probably never will. What I do know is that he is here with me trying to save marriage, so continuing to dwell on the details serves no purpose. Don’t let this dwelling impede your recovery, show him that your willing to move forward , OFFER HIM THE OLIVE BRANCH. Yes I am suggesting that you be the better person and offer forgiveness before it is actually earned. Not the blind, forgetful type but a watchful, cautious type and then let his behavior guide you along. Before I tried this we were still together but it wasn’t right like two roommates who occasionally have sex, we were stuck. What did I have to loose? I will tell you that I was surprised at how his demeanor changed right away. He become more loving and caring knowing I wasn’t going to dwell anymore on the past. Do I forget all that happened? Absolutely no, to do so would mean not learning from the past/mistakes, but I can move forward with my eyes wide open and aware. Is everything perfect now ? of course not but its better than it’s been in a long time and I believe we are moving beyond our past. We have both good and bad days but at least I feel hope for the future. Check out my blog : http://[email protected]
Best wishes Chely