Letting Go of Old Resentments to Save the Marriage and Yourself

There are plenty of people who go through their lives without really sorting out their problems and old resentments. They ignore the importance of resolving these problems before moving on with their lives, and downplay how these problems affect them.

This can be very evident in couples who are trying to patch things up in their marriage after infidelity. Couples who decide to “forget about everything and just start over” usually don’t go anywhere. In most cases, what happens is that all the old resentments and problems that they encountered in their past go with them to the new relationship they’re trying to build and it all happens all over again. When nothing is resolved, everything will remain the same even if you decide to let go of your past. This is what Stephen Covey meant when he said that “old resentments never die.”

It doesn’t even necessarily have to happen with the same person who you have problems with. There are those who are either separated or divorced from their spouses who take these old resentments with them in their new relationships with other people. Although the details or specifics are not exactly the same, there could be similarities with the circumstances that could be related specifically to the past.

So how do you stop yourself from hanging onto old resentments?

First of all, you need to identify what it is that makes you remember those problems and all the negative feelings associated with them. Whenever you start getting that bad feeling or are reminded of those old resentments, try to notice what it is that triggered it – who made it happen, when, and what events or circumstances led you to feeling that way? Identifying the problem is the first step to solving it. Look into yourself and try to get as specific as possible with regards to these triggers.

Once you know what those triggers and other details are, compare the differences of the circumstances of the past and the present. What happened in the past that created these problems and issues in you? Why are these old resentments bothering you now? Should they still be bothering you now? What’s different from now and then? Knowing the difference of what was in the past and what is in the present is a vital key in resolving these issues.

One more important thing that you have to deal with is to forgive the person who caused these issues and old resentments in the first place. You won’t ever be able to truly move forward with your life and into a new relationship if you continue to hold a grudge against the person who hurt you. Accept that all the things you went through with that person occurred and are a part of your life, and that you can’t change any of them. Learn from these experiences and forgive the ones that hurt you in any way. Only then will you be able to really let go of your old resentments and open yourself up to a new relationship and a new life.