Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.
In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.
I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.
The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.
Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:
I used to focus on what mood is he in, is he going to talk to me today, is he going to look/act like he’d rather be anywhere else with anyone else other than me. This habit/pattern is hard to break, but I’m working on it. I was so hurt and rejected that sometimes in my depression that I didn’t leave the house for days. All this in an attempt to figure out how to be okay with my life and how lonely I was. This was his excuse for his affair (“if you thought it was bad being that way, you have no idea how hard it is to live with a person like that” – thoughtful words from him after I learned of his affair). I’ve been figuring out “what makes me happy” as friends refer to it, but that seems selfish and that’s just not me. I’m learning how much living like that has affected the simplist of things – mood, attitude, communication and my relationship with our 13 yr old daughter. I wrestled with deciding whether or not to stay in my marriage and even though we’re still living together, I was non-committal and that hasn’t helped things much. But lately, I’ve been getting more clarification. I still don’t have all the answers as for our marriage, but I do know that I’m doing what I’m called to do right now. He has been making changes although I’ve been frustrated that they’re not the ones I think he should be doing. I realized that he’s trying and doing the best he can and I’ve not acknowledged the changes that he has made and that tears down the very thing that I said that I wanted. Regardless of where this leads, I’m ready to move forward with my life. He has an opportunity to rise higher in his life and our relationship and if he’s unable, I can accept that, but I know with all my heart that I need more than that and I love him enough to let him go. Otherwise, it’ll continue to tear us down as individuals and as a couple. That to me would be unforgivable – to intentionally choose that. I’ve finally forgiven him and I’m excited to be able to share that with him when I see him (he’s working 4 hrs away for a couple of weeks). I believe it’s a gift that both of us need and it’s necessary for healing regardless of whether we stay together or not. In addition to asking him to forgive me for where I fell short in our relationship, I’ve finally forgiven myself. The reality is that he made some wrong decision(s), but as painful as all of this has been (this was his second affair), I’m grateful for the opportunities that it’s opened in my heart. There’s great power in “pressing on” and getting through. I’ll even go as far as to say that I’m starting to determine my call and purpose in life. I don’t have the specifics yet, but I know that my past experiences were not given to me just to keep them inside and hide them away (survival of growing up in physical, emotional and verbal abuse, death of my child at age 7, two abusive ex husbands, battling depression, etc). I believe they can help others too. I’ve always believed that, I just lost sight of it. I’m excited to see how all of this unfolds. Well, I know you didn’t ask for a book, but I’ve never been one short on words.
Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:
- Welcome your sensitivity. Learn ways to use it, especially with others.
- Examine, reflect, write down the “themes?? of your life that you are internally addressing when “depressed.??
- Congratulate your self on your tremendous growth and progress.
- Be very specific on the changes you want from him.
- List 5 factors that “hold you back?? from him.
- List 6 of your greatest personal needs. (Check out the needless program on my site)
- Continue working hard on defining your life’s purpose.
Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:
- I’m working hard on me, and boy, does that feel good. Also very exciting. But, I’m not sure, sometimes, where that leaves me with you.
- I want for us to have a richer relationship but it seems there has been so much pain and hurt, on both of our parts, that I wonder, what that means for our future.
- I have some very specific needs that I would like you to meet. But, I know this can be very tricky and rather scary. For example, I would like ____________. If you can do that, great. If not, help me understand what gets in the way. Maybe just give it some thought first, and we can get at it later.
What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.
Liz, I wasn’t cautioning you on the steps forward and back…..really in my own head while reflecting on what you were going through. But you are right…….that is how it goes.
Jessi…love the bricks analogy. I am going to keep that one. I had not thought of it that way, but have been (especially in the past week or two) thinking a lot about how I had expected an answer and change….in whatever direction……and now I am working with the slow change.
I’m still very uncomfortable finding my space between ‘what it’ and ‘what should be’….’shoulds’ are bad, but they sneak up on me when I perceive pressure from the greater world.
My h picked up my son this morning and I took the time to go to yoga and for a walk with a friend. I should……there I go again……have been working, but it felt great. Then we (my h and I) had lunch. We sat for a long time talking over the weekend, parenting, etc. It was clearly enjoyable for both of us. Tonight he will come and deal with the kids and then have dinner with me after they go to bed. I will tell him about the seer then.
I also asked him to go on vacation with us without the strings attached. I’ve thought a lot about this. If we are on the slow train I think we need to stay on the train until one of us decides to get off or we get to our destination. The kids want him to come with us and I really think it would be good for all of us. Certainly no different than we are living our lives now. And, really……..what in the world would the op think? Maybe he won’t go, but he seemed very pleased and called me for specific dates so that he can look into reservations.
Day by day. If we end earlier enough tonight, I’ll check in then. Otherwise tomorrow.
Thanks again to all……..these posts are truly lifesaving at times.
Sue – Oh, I know you were not cautioning me. I have taken so many steps back, I gladly welcome even the slightest steps forward, even if only for a day!
I am glad he’s interested in the vacation. Who cares what the OP thinks. Doesn’t matter. Day by day is good. That’s my new motto. Hey, I used to have to take the day in sections and get through, hour by hour, that’s how hysterical I was when he was with her and how I could not focus on daily tasks. I thought I was getting Alzheimer’s disease becuase I literally could not remember the slightest things. I am getting sooo much better. All these words of encouragement help so much on this site. I find that I don’t talk to my friends about it so much any more. Has anyone else’s therapist discouraged them from talking to friends and family? Mine doesn’t want me to talk to my mom about it. She says I need to keep it in the context of the marriage. I see her point, but I am very close to my mom. What do you think the reason is for this?? any thoughts?
Hi – Liz – a lot of the books tell you not to tell friends and family – partly for the reason your therapist tells you but mostly because of the awkwardness if you stay togther and friends and family think you are wrong for doing so or build up judgements against your H that they cannot hide from him, etc. If this is the best way to handle it, I completely blew it – my therapist knows that I confided in a lot of people but I did so because I needed support – sad thing is that as I told various people, they in turn revealed to me that they had had incidents of infidelity in thier lives! I even brought one of my friends into a therapy session with me because she is such an old friend that she knew my H longer than even I did – the only thing my therapist did disapprove of was my telling our 26 yr old son without telling my H that I did so – I did that because I was very close to throwing in the towel during the months that he was still in contact with the OP and didn’t want to have anything come as a complete surprise – I did not do it nor did I frame it as a way to get our son on “my side” – last month I talked to my H about telling our son and we talked with him together but my H doesn’t realize that I had already told our son – I guess that I could feel very guilty about the secrets I have kept, that my friends know and I haven’t ever told my H which ones do or don’t or how much – but I don’t feel guilty, not when I think of the lies and deception he engaged in – I don’t believe that I have to come completely clean or that I am sinking to his level by not revealing everything to him – while I agree that there should be things that stay in the context of the marriage, as your therapist says, I also think that I did certain things to protect myself when he was too busy protecting the OP – the friends and family that know completely supported my staying with him to work this out and have been wonderful to both of us.
Sue – about the trip – all I can tell you is although he felt awkward and didn’t want to go, my H was too embarrassed to come up with a reason for not going on a trip with our friends this past summer so we went as planned – and that was the turning point as far as the OP was concerned – when he returned she got crabby and demanding and he began to see that two relationships just don’t work
Liz! You are killing me here I am laughing so hard! Where do you want me to deliver him to, huh?! (and do you want fries with that? LOL) Perfect in every way :-)
I think I know why your therapist woyld want you to keep your mom out of it. Mom’s have a tendency to want to protect us and rather than say, “Stay and work it out.” many of them say, “Throw the bum out” Hey, I have a daughter and I try to stay neutral but, it is sooo hard when your child is hurting.
My counselors (indiv and mc) have both applauded the reaching out for help thing. Of course, I’m living alone, so that probably makes a difference. However, I still think everyone needs support. I guess it depends on what kinds of support you get. Non-judgemental listening is the best. If you find yourself acting differently or trying to take action because of something someone else thinks or says……it may be time to reconsider.
If your mom is unduly influencing you it could be making it more difficult for you in deciding what to do with each piece. However, sounds to me like you’re doing a great job, so who knows!
I am almost not bothering my friends at all not that I have found all of you. I think everyone is greatful……even though they would never say it!
Day by day, piece by piece. I’ve made progress today, for me. Hope I can keep it tonight!
Agree with the friends bit, I don’t say much now and just enjoy their company. When they ask how it is going I just say one day at a time and I am okay.
Liz I called the OP the last time I found out he was still in contact with her and and told her that she can have him I don’t want him so he can settle for second prize. Then I told him and reminded him to thank her for taking him away from this dreadful life he has. He did some pretty fast back pedaling.
We were watching a show on TV last night and there was a love triangle on it h just shook his head and said don’t do it and we both had a laugh over it.
These posts are great and the thing that stands out is that we have all shared the same emotions… some even down to Wednesdays… and we can see others at different stages of the process. For those in the early stages you can see where you are heading and that it does get better as your focus goes off the affair and onto yourself. For those like me that arre are couple of years in you can see that the roller coaster is real and can take some inspiration from those that have been going longer. The thing that stands out to me is that it appears to be a process just like grief. The other strange thing is that the behavior of our hs is so similar that it is almost pridictable. Mine must be in the feeling guilty and embarressed stage. But I am just letting him feel his way back into the relationship.
Hang in there everyone
Hi all – this is a tough week for me – it will be a year on Friday that I found proof – just trying to keep my focus on where I am and where we are now – certainly in a better place but I am still bruised – and doing dumb things – so far, in the last week or so, I have dropped my diamond necklace down the bathroom drain (plumber got it out, thank goodness), taken my cat’s pill, spilled coffee and water all over the place and bumped my head getting into my H’s car….I am tiptoeing through the world the next couple of days – one of the books I read said that this holiday, Valentine’s Day, is one of the best times to catch a cheating spouse and/or confirm your suspicions – it didn’t say how hard it is to cope with the memory of having done exactly that – so I hope that all of you are hanging in there too this week
The wierdest part for me is that, since my h works out of town, I never would have found out. He leaked it one night. (not the whole story, mind you. Just enough for me to be thrown off balance) In the past 2 years, and the discovery in drips and drabs of the entire story, I have had to take a very hard look at myself. I occasionally miss the “innocence” of me. The one who didn’t know what the word “betrayal” meant, much less experience it. I am stronger now and I am wiser now. I can see his “charm offensive” for what it is now. AND, he knows I know. So, maybe it’s more real now. But it falls so short of what I thought it was, what I hoped it was, what I needed it to be. So, truly now, it is all about me. What I want, what I need, and what is not-negotiable. And this is my Valentine’s gift to me.
Cheating Husbands cheat because they are selfish. The offended spouses are not responsible at all. Whatever the husband needs from his wife he needs to tell his wife! God probably allows people to get a divorce because of infidelity because God knows that IT DID NOT HAVE TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!
God revealed that my husband has been cheating on me for the past 7 months with an Ex-Girlfriend that is a whore. This started 8 months into our new marriage. I was about 5 months pregnant and the doctors repeatedly told us we could not have sex. So my selfish cheating husband decided he would break his wedding vows to me and selfishly engage in an Emotional Affair that was leading to a physical affair.
What depresses me about my situation is that if I had known he was a cheater I would not have married him!!!! Now that I know my husband is a cheater I need to figure out how to I fall in love with a cheater. It is like finding out the one you love is a serial killer.
Needless to say, we are getting Christian counseling.
God is giving me the comfort I need.
Rachel –
You are NOT ALONE with this!!! I cannot tell you how many people I know of, not only on this site, but in my personal life that are dealing with infidelity..right now!! A good friend of mine just discovered her husband had 3 affairs..and she wrecked her car following him and the OP. NOT WORTH IT!
I am on 9 months now of finding out (or getting concrete proof) of my husband’s affair. It’s the absolute hardest thing I have ever gone through. But…..it gets easier (trust me) once you start to get to know YOURSELF as the great person you are. I would also suggest getting individual counseling for just YOU!
Yes, it is the most selfish act on earth. Agreed.
How did you find out?
Hi Everybody;
Sounds like we are all on a path to loving ourselves more, good for us we deserve it much more than they do.
We are still living together and I am sorry for that in many ways. He still cannot look me in the eye and talk to me and his phone messages at times lack honesty in my opinion. I feel that he is not sincere and maybe that is because the trust/bond was broken when he stepped out with someone else. Maybe I put to much into this but his attitude of just press on like nothing happened and won’t talk about it bothers me to no end. Knowing who this other woman is does not help the matter at all she is much younger than I am to start with and that is all she has really going for herself as for her looks I was surprised to see that she was not a raving beauty.
I am just looking forward to the day when I can shed everything he has said to me over the last 18 months and I know it will all fade but not soon enough for me. I kept a journal and I think for me it was the worst thing I could have done because so much was said and I wrote it all down, all the turmoil he put me through was heart wrenching. I read it the other day and I should have burned it because allot of it all I forgot and I believe that was just the stress of the whole deal. I just don’t want to re-live the last two years so I think I will burn the journal. He can do nothing to me in the heart department any longer I have like a few of you decided that I can live with him or without him it’s just not that big of a deal anymore. I love him but not like I use to and maybe that will come back and maybe it won’t and if it does’nt I am prepared to move on with my life.
What happened to me physically was this and I have not shared this with anyone not even my family but I look at all of us a family in a different way. I had a problem and they put me on meds that made me heavy but I am back to my old self now and grateful that I am OK. I lost it all, 5’6″ 138 and I feel great, look fantastic but with one problem. The stress created other things to happen I have lost about 75% of my hair and for a woman that is desvastating, it is starting to come back I have about an inch of new growth so I am happy about that. I never knew really what stress could do but also other things, I have passed out my blood pressure is low I now have a heart doctor along with the others that I see. I am not taking any meds now just vitamins and they suggested some but I opted out of that scene I have never taken anything like that nor have ever in my life done any type of drugs. Proud of myself for that as when in college they ran rampant on campus.
Ladies, Gents just take care of yourself and your health it may seem to some including me at one point that I was fine but the stress is a real killer for us to deal with all that is said and goes on in these situations. I learned the hard way and then to be told it was all my fault because I could not handle my own stress as though it was’nt bad enough. It was all his fault and he knows this also in his heart but I cannot forgive the lack of compassion he showed me. It’s amazing to me how they can even walk and chew gum at the same time. Double lives they lead only go on for so long.
As for the other woman I know she must feeling a loss and to bad for her as he has been coming home since TG Day and who knows really why maybe she told him enough was enough and make a choice or maybe it was because I told him to get out of the house and go where he needed to be, buy me out and turn me loose and if he could’nt maybe the next time I saw her in town I would ask her, who knows but things are quiet and I wonder when the the storm is going to hit. I guess one never knows about these things but I will never believe anything he tells me for years to come if we stay together. Trust is gone down the road for me with him. I don’t know if I can live like this, I am not being true to myself in many ways but we have been together for so many years I feel I should give it one last try before I call it quits altogether seems fair to me in one way but not in others. To have the person you cherished the most hurt you so badly is a hard pill to swallow and sometimes I feel I am just a left over that he came back to because I was there. I guess since all this I see no truth in him even if he was being honest I don’t see it he has become such a good liar as for years I believed in him and it was all a pak of lies he fed me. I think the person that does not cheat does not see it till it’s almost over because of love/trust/faith you never look at your partner in a negative way but things change fast when you find out the truth of it all.
One day we were talking and I said “you attract weak women with problems and they see you as a savior as you are a nice kind person and they take atvantage of you and you did’nt even see it coming she is so much smarter then I am I don’t know how to play that game”. He said to me “I made a mistake and I found out to late”. I never even asked him what he meant by that I was in the kitchen and never saw his face when he said that I guess he could not face me and tell me that. Does not matter what he said for me it is just a wait and see attitude I have developed and if works out fine and if not, oh well. I think through all this I have learned and created a life of my own and if does not want to participate that’s fine with me I think a bit of defiance on my part has set in and that is really not a good thing either, maybe it will pass in time. I think the devestation of it all just took it’s toll in many different ways in my life and to be with a person you feel you cannot trust one is better off by ones self and that is where I am at. He is going to have to earn it back if ever that happens and I was hurt so badly like the rest of us I just don’t see it at this time. I have always been a strong person and I feel badly for me, not sorry, that I let such a looser let me question myself and that will never happen again. My self esteem is back and I feel great about that it took a long time but I know now that I am the better person and they are just nothing in my eyes as they have nothing to be proud of.
Wishing you all a great Valentines Day from one sister/brother to another.
Sandy,
I know what you mean. I feel like this site has become my family. I thought the other day, “I wish I could meet all of you in a major city somewhere… and we all get hotel rooms by each other, and drink, eat and have major fun together!!!” isn’t it weird how you can bond with people you’ve never physically met??? Just shows how powerful words are.
I know just what you mean about the stress taking it’s toll. The bottom number of my blood pressure this summer was 100! My doctor almost died. I have ALWAYS had a perfect blood pressure reading until my H cheated on me and put me through hell! And, he felt guilty, but to me, it just wasn’t enough becuase it obviously didn’t make him quit seeing the OP over it!! And, that, devisated me that my health didn’t even phase him. I also had colitis from this. Total stomach problems and I confided in my doctor. She said, “Until things get straightened out at home and there is peace, it will never get better” …she’s right!
As for the OP, I was expecting her to be a “bombshell” becuase my H is very good looking (women are very attracted to him, tall, dark handsome, charming) instead, whoa….she was NOT what I expected him to be attracted to! So what does it mean? He cared so much more about how she fed his EGO. He even told me that he thinks I am “beautiful, attractive, etc” but she just put him FIRST in her life. So….I don’t think people who cheat necessarily go for looks. They go for someone to boost them up, becuase apparently we are not kissing their you-know-what enough! Just my two cents.
Hang in there and Happy Valentine’s Day (if possible!)
I hit the redial on our phone FYI last night and I was seeing if he called the OP…..ended up he called his male friend. I sorta was disappointed in myself that I snooped…but it’s amazing how they turn you into Sherlock Holmes. I cannot beleive how tuned in I am now to his behavior.
OH, last note. Go to betrayedspouse101.com – very good!!!!!
To Liz,
What a hoot, if all we had to do all day was to sit around and plan ways to make them feel like the ultimate person in our lives we would be worn out by the time they got home. I have the same thing tall, dark and handsome but underneath it all what do I have, absolutely nothing to really be proud of like I use to be.
We live in a small town and everybody knows what he has been doing and of course I was the last to find out and you are right they protect them like they are jewels because they know what they are doing is totally wrong. I just have to laugh at the extent he went so I would not find out the lying and all that crap. One night I went out to turn off the water and there he was up the driveway checking his car for evidence of her, if he did not feel guilty why bother and I told him I saw him, he almost crapped. Just the little things now I have to laugh at, grown men acting like a 17 year old still in HS the only difference is that thier pants got longer. I think they are all off in La La land for they think what they are doing is right for themselves, the self serving idiots that they are. How selfish can one be and in the process he finds out oh, gee I made a mistake. What a riot they must all think we are just plain stupid to believe and hang on to every word they say like thier mistress in the bush.
Sooner or later it all comes out and then they don’t know what to say or pile up more lies to tell. I wonder how they can remember all the crap that comes out of thier mouths. They can’t, as he has said things to me and I told him some of the things he said to me and he deny’s it all they are so caught up in what they are doing thier mind can’t keep it all straight of what they say to us. I think he would like to see it all go away but what is done is done and not my problem to deal with his head problems. Mid Life Crisis and all that is to me an excuse to make themselves feel better about themselves and for some no matter what it does not work. It works for him he said “I like being an honest person” I thought to who. He does’nt think anything about what he did in my way of thinking as not one I’m Sorry has never crossed his lips the only thing he ever said to me was “the only thing I feel bad about is that this hurt you so badly”. What an ____ not to realize what he did to us all. I am better armed now with my own thoughts and feelings and like I said if it works out fine and if not fine to but the Love/Trust/Faith will never be like it was, ever. They just don’t get it!!
Good idea to meet in fun town just for a night or two out and then back to the grind. Hard to get away for some we are all protecting what we have worked so hard for just to keep our own sanity. Hope we will all have a better year.
I am off to do chores, the grind as I know it.
Hi all.
Hard to know what is real sometimes. My h is here now….came 3 hours early because he knew I was at the end of my rope with chasing the kids to do their homework, brought flowers (!) and dinner. I want to be grateful……just not feeling it so much….except the kid part.
He has a counseling appt tomorrow and an appt with the ‘seer’…..so it should be a big day! I am thankful that he is at least trying. Just don’t know when the ‘trying’ won’t be enough.
I, too, am plagued with the stress. Even though I am so much better now, my jaw is so sore. I am clenching all day and night. I snap at my kids more easily and don’t complete my work as I should. But there has been progress……will keep with the progress.
Having said all of that…….the more I concentrate on ME and take care of ME, the better I do with all of it. I cry when it makes sense and laugh when it makes sense…rather than not!
Keeping my fingers crossed for a nice dinner. Don’t know how we’ll pull that off! :)
Hi All –
UGH. Well, the day was going good (for Valentine’s Day) and then, tonight, my distrust just blew it apart. Today, my H called and said, “gee, my Valentine’s plans for you got screwed up (kid’s had a snow day and were home from school, and we didn’t have a sitter, so he stayed home with them). He was planning on coming to my work and take me out to lunch. Something he has NEVER done! Anyway, I understood the situation and he said he would make it up to me tomorrow. Again, I told him that it wasn’t a big deal. So…..my daughter proceeds to tell me that they went sledding today at a relative’s house. Which, my H did tell me this when I got home from work. What he FAILED to tell me is that he actually dropped the kids off over there and then LEFT. He never told me that! My daughter said, “dad left and went and did errands for 2 hours”. UGH. Needless to say, it’s Valentine’s Day for one thing, the OP works 5 minutes from where he was today, and he couldn’t come and meet me?? It’s the omission that really bugs me.
Then he has a meeting tonight, which I was aware of prior, but he forgot to take his cell phone with him. He NEVER forgets it. Where does my head go? He purposely forgot it so I wouldn’t be able to call him. I have no proof, but this is what he turned me into. A total, non-trusting wife that has to make a decision if I can live like this forever. Now, maybe he did run errands, and maybe he just forgot his phone. BUT, the days of giving them the benefit of the doubt, are so ruined becuase they told so many blatent lies.
Sandy – I know what you mean about going away. I am supposed to go on a trip in May, and I can’t even think of leaving him alone. Is that pathetic that I can’t even go on a trip because I think he will use it to his advantage to shack up with the OP for the weekend? Sometimes, I think I will never get over this.
Sue –
Liz……so sorry for your day. I totally get it. These things happen to me as well….and he isn’t even living with me! But sometimes I’m right and sometimes I’m not…..so it is a tough call.
Tonight he made me a gorgeous dinner…had brought the flowers,etc. But this all sounds like something it is not. There is no schmaltzing involved. It just is what it is.
There were many inconsistencies today and ones that have built up from the past few days. I was unsure what to do about them. They all naturally came up and we cleared the air.
The most difficult was something I wanted to talk about, but only when I was ready to do so. I had mentioned this to him, but not the specifics. He discovered the specifics…..and we were doomed to discuss it.
Last weekend, when he took the kids skiing, we had switched cars. He failed to take his checkbook. Which I copied…and all the deposits. AND…..found rent checks from the op that he never cashed! I took them. Didn’t know why……just that it could help me in the future should I need help. (Documentation……maybe.)
He noticed that I took them…..ask me about it…..and proceeded to tell me all the spiteful reasons I took them. You can imagine it was ugly. But I never backed down or defended myself except for being calm and explaining that I didn’t know what I would do with them…..just that I was faced with the decision to take them or not and taking them felt better in terms of my best interest.
Soooooooooo..after much of this….which took nerves of steel for me as he was not rational….must have been the control thing……he started to come around. After we finished dinner and he was doing the dishes (yes…..I asked for that too!) I went and copied the checks and then left them for him to take.
When I showed them to him and told him I really didn’t need to have them (he probably still doesn’t get the need for info piece) he took them and tore them up! Totally unexpected. Was probably the best response I could have asked for and did not expect.
We were both quite communicative after that…..no more defenses….no expectations. So……tomorrow, again, is another day. Still a lot of questions without answers.
But I feel so much stronger……I did not give in or defend myself tonight. I could not answer why, but did not feel regretful or the need to please. HUGE steps. Stood on my own. And in the end we BOTH acknowledged it and felt better about it.
Goes to the TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!! It works…..is sooooo hard and impossible at times. But when it works…..it works all around!
Hi all – well, we all made it through Valentine’s Day – for those of you on the east coast/New England, we were pretty much cooped up for the day. It is a year for me tomorrow at about 2 AM that I got proof, so I am a bit antsy today. I am not sure how aware my H is of this because he doesn’t have the kind of memory I do, that is, to recall precise dates – it was so traumatic that I will never forget it but I know how guys can really seem to block out memories –
Sandy – about the journals – I am faced with the same decision – I wrote reams and reams during the past year – now that we seem to be on the road to healing, I too am thinking I need to destroy them – this past weekend I did shred the cell phone lists I had and copies of her photos that I had found in his briefcase – that was kind of fun, actually. I am hanging on to several things that are proof of the affair and putting them in my safe deposit box that only I have access to – for the time being – at some point I will consider destroying them.
As it turned out, I feel he did a good job with Valentine’s Day – he got me a nightgown I had admired in a store window (so he is listening to me, anyway) and he got me customized M & M’s with my name on some and “love you forever” on others (so he had to put a lot of preparation into the gift) – he also gave me a card about loving me forever and signed it “all my love” – I think that there is a deliberate message there because the past few years, it’s just been “love, Joe.” Since we both work for school systems we were home due to the storm and watched “The Way We Were” together – there is a reference to infidelity in the movie but other than tearing up a very little bit, I handled it fine.
I recently read something that I copied out of a book because it is about trust – it said that our trust can never be blind or absolute anymore – it is “measured” trust that is based upon our understanding of our partners and ourselves and upon the evidence we see that our partner is committed to a relationship based on respect and faithfulness. I just think it’s important that our H’s realize how critical that evidence is and that they are the only ones who can provide it. Months ago I was where some of you still are – H still in contact with her, protecting her identity, not wanting to talk about it, blaming me, being awful to me, clearly in the role of rescuer for her, etc. – and the fact that I am where I am now will hopefully give you some hope – but also don’t waste time – part of the reason that I hung in so long is that we have 41 years of a relationship – I might have acted very differently if I was even 10 years younger. I still cannot totally rule out the possibility that he is just doing a better job of covering up something but I think that will take some time and continued consistency.
My H moans about getting old when he gets sick and he has a stomach virus right now – he said something to me about it Tuesday because he was complaining about not shaking the virus sooner – I told him I thought that he had done pretty well for himself for an old man – I am not sure he “got” what I was saying, but he did say, “why, because I am married to you?” and I just repeated what I had said. Unfortunately, part of this whole scenario is our cultural thing that even “old” guys can score – not that older women cannot as well but there continues to be a double standard I think – my veiled message to him was “I wouldn’t complain if I were you – you may think you’re old and feel lousy sometimes but you had a wife and a woman 9 years younger than you both involved with you” There were times that he claimed that it must look to someone else that isn’t it great to have two women in love with you but it doesn’t feel great – “well, welcome to the real world” was my reaction – that’s because most women want the whole package not part of their partner’s commitment – which is why the staying in contact as “friends” was not going to ever work
Anyway – sorry to run on – have to go off to work now – I agree, it would be great to all meet sometime someday – take care
Hi Sue, Marlene and Everyone!!
Well, first of all, my H ended up coming home at 12:00 midnight, all “lovey dovey” hugging me, telling me he loves me and needless to say, I was not so responsive. I had called the place where he was 5 minutes prior to coming home (now I wish I hadn’t, I totally looked like the checking up wife which I HATE!)…the bartender said, “he just left a few minutes ago”..then I watched the clock to make sure the timing worked out. It did, he came right home.
I gave him his Valentine and he loved it. The worst part was he had nothing for me. I knew he had ran errands yesterday, without the kids, so he could have easily gone to the local drugstore and bought a card. Then..he proceeded to say, “did you get my e-mail?” and I did not get one from him. He said, “I sent you one wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day, blah, blah, blah”…I said, “nope”…and I had a glass of wine, and went to bed.
This morning, he hugged me and acted like nothing happened. I tried so hard to pretend I was OK, and when he left for work, I cried. So, I decided to blog to you all, and guess what, after reading, I am not crying anymore. I have to be OK with or without this man. I am going to run on the treadmill and then go up to my kid’s school for their Valentine’s parties. (no school yesterday).
Sue – love the check story. I copied so much stuff and my lawyer told me to do it. I even have cell phone bill records, just in case I ever need this!!
Marlene – the M&M’s sound so neat. My friend told me that her H said, “Honey, I am so sorry but I heated up spaghetti in the microwave and didn’t clean it up last night and it made a total mess”…she opened it and there was her Valentine, wrapped in a tiny box. UGH. I think that story also added to my “let down”…I would love a H like that!
Hi All… well it has all been happening here…. the OP told her h that my h had signed a lease and paid rent on a house with her. Her h text messaged me with all these stories last night… he is weird. My h was livid, he told me I could go and check out the real estate agent if I liked. His response was soooo totaly different than it has been in the past. I think for once he was scared of what I would do. Even said he would let me know where he was every second of the day if need be. I just kept calm and said if it is true just go now and if it is not true then you need to think about why this has happened. Did she do this to manipulte you to call her. (Like a child… I need attention and I don’t care how as long as I get it) Did she do it to get her h into a rage so she had an excuse to call and warn you or (as he has told me she has low self esteme) did she do it because she gets a thrill out of seeing her h in a jealous rage over her… good for her ego. She comes from a weird upbringing so wouldn’t discount that one. My h even thought that it was a possibility. Spoke to my therapist today and she said that this sort of behavior is not uncommon from the “jilted lover” to get vindictive as after all they have lost all their power. She or other members of her family will try and unsettle us. The thing is it is just driving us closer together to protect what we have and are working on.
Funny I was just reading some of the posts the other day where the OP called or emaied out of the blue and thought oh well that will be the next thing to happen… next phase in the process. I am surprised at how unphased I am by the whole thing. I think he just is totally amazed. Nice and calm and safe at home. As I said to him this morning… we are all human and sometimes we just make a bad choice but that doesn’t have to change the course of your future.. just put it off course for a while!!! We will see what happens over the weekend.
All this mess is his problem… I’m okay. Stay okay everyone
Jessi – Hi, you are handling this so amazing! I think it may have been me that you read about in the blog. My H broke it off with his OP back in Septemeber, told her not to call or leave a VM and for her to “move on”. Anyway, she ended up calling and leaving a VM on his cell phone the end of January! He told ME and didn’t respond to her (like I asked him to do!). So, yes, I think your therapist is totally right, they lost “power” and they are spinning daily, while we are building back a marriage. The tables are turned now for them, they used to sit back and laugh that they were deceiving us, and now they are on the outside looking in.
The fact that you H said he would account for every minute is so GOOD! Mine used to get totally defensive when he was lying and I could totally tell he was seeing her. I think your H sounds genuine. I also told my H that he “created a monster” and he agreed with me, then apologized to me for the fact that I had to deal with her calling, etc.
I still think my H’s OP will resurface again, I don’t think she’ll stop until she actually sees him in person. Just human nature. I think she wants to get to his “weak spot” and ruin all the work we have done and shatter my trust. Here’s the beautiful part: I have been in therapy for 8 months now, like myself more than ever, getting compliments about my looks for the first time in YEARS, and I love my kids, I am a proud mom and have great friends. NOTHING the OP can do will change that, or effect me. If she tries to take my H away from me, and he caves in to her, I am finally at a place in my life where I would see it for the pathetic situation it is. That was my goal in therapy, to become good with “ME” and be able to move on with or without him and have a great life. Iam not 100% there by any means, but I am getting stronger each day.
Let me know what happens, I am thinking of you!!
I think the OP will surface again also and I think he will cave because I believe he is a weak man. I only think this because of his shortness with me, he is not a happy man and I think is grieving for her and his loss. He can make his own choices in his life and for now he is here but I don’t expect that to last to much longer and if it does fine and if not I am fine with that also.
He got me a nice card for me Valentines’s Day with all the I Love You stuff he wrote but I cannot get past the fact of what has happened between the two of us. A new cell phone which was nice and candy for my sweet tooth. Somehow I still feel that it is all a show on his part as if he playing the role of his life. It’s not that it was’nt enough but it did not really come from his heart. I know he is trying and I know he loves me in his own way but I don’t think he is in love with me. Big difference but who’s to tell or know anything when things are right but not really right.
Gut feelings are more present now than ever and I don’t come away with a warm fuzzy feeling like I use to. He is distant in his own way as if he is in another self absorbed world that I don’t/can’t enter and really don’t want to either it’s like there is a dark side of him I never saw before maybe I see this because I am being more objective to all this than before. Maybe I expect to much from him at this time who knows but all I really want is for him to be honest and when men/women cheat there is no such thing they have lied so much it has become part of them. How sad is that!
I love where we live I love everything about this place and I have come to find out in myself that I love this place much more than I love him, I never thought I would feel this way but that is just the plain truth of it all. Being
shattered and the innocence of my love for him is no longer there as he distroyed that willfully with such a vengence I don’t know this man anymore. How can they be so blind?
They do create monsters in themselves because they cannot handle the stress of the situation that they started in the first place so they take it out on the ones that are left behind so to speak. I just feel that no matter what I do this is doomed to failure and it is probably going to be my fault this time as the trust issue with me is so great that I don’t want to be lied to any longer and I never know if he is telling me the truth or not. He is so good at it as he did it for 2 years and I did not even have a clue. I just always believed in him as a person and to find out that he was such a liar and cheater was beyond anything I had ever thought in my life would happen to us just like the rest of us, who knew. Life does have it’s twists and turns and I am so ready to be elsewhere in mine.
Hard to walk away when you still love the person so much who betrayed you but living a lie with him is not worth the mental abuse he dished out so well. I don’t know how they can feel one should just forgive and forget like nothing happened. I don’t know how they can just walk through life with what they did it does not seem normal to me. I know if it were me who would have done this my life would have been crushed at knowing he saw/knew anything. I could’nt do it and be true to myself and self respect for me is very important but for them it means nothing.
Hope I have a better day of it, I think we all regress some days and this is my day. I guess thinking about leaving is the hardest thing if it comes to that but I am better prepared now than I was before so that’s a good thing.
Hi all – Liz and Jessi – I agree with all you have said about the OP’s power – and if indeed your H’s disclosed to you that the OP had contacted them and/or you know that the OP did so and your H’s ignored her, be very very glad – my H really failed that test in Nov. when he saw her by chance and didn’t tell me and then started a few email exchanges and didn’t tell me – it is so much more trust-building to tell your wife that this occurred and if you are telling them that you are on this blog or whatever, you have my permission to tell them that as another betrayed wife I can say how important that would be. I was so angry and upset at my H when, after telling her not to contact him in September but also telling her that he would be “in touch” to see how she is in terms of her illness, etc and that he would tell me when he did this, he ended up omitting that he had seen her and certainly omitted that they had emailed – I think that for the first time in my life I was incoherent and not even able to put into words how upset I was – as to whether or not she will resurface? she was very very hurt and angry with him and said he would never hear from her ever again – well, never is a long time – I think I am still waiting to see what happens if he again happens to see her and if he tells me or not and if he ignores her if she calls or not – he says that he will and that he will not go back on his word this time
Sandy – I have spoken to my H about being in a funk at times and told him flat out that when I see that I wonder if it is because he is unhappy about having ended things with her – he has told me no, that he gets into a funk when he thinks about what he has done to me – I too lived with that “distance” for awhile but it is gone now – but again, I know what you mean – are they just doing a better job of acting or lying or are they being honest?? that’s such a tough issue and I think that since we are all in this pain we want the answer to come more quickly than maybe it can sometimes
Marlene, Sandy and all –
Wow, I thought I was the only one dealing with this “funk” issue that my H gets in also. And, I will think to myself, “does he miss her, is that why he’s so distant? does he regret staying with me now and wonders what it would be like if they were together? Is he doing this because it’s the “Right” thing to do becuase we have 2 kids? Is he lying in his Valentine card becuase he knows it’s a Valentine card and he HAS to make it seem wonderful, or I would get suspicious? It’s awful when you have to rethink every move they make, or every word they speak. Prior to the affair, I just read his cards and believed him, took it for granted!
Marlene – I went through that crap the first time I busted him and honestly I can’t beleive I am still here with him because I have YET to get over it! I was told I would be made aware of any and all contact and I FELL FOR IT! But, in my defense, you have to or how can you ever, ever rebuild trust? So, I did and sure enough, lie upon lie. Now, I am on hyper alert mode. If he does it to me again. I am gone. I am done. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I have to prepare myself for it mentally. The therapsit keeps saying, “you’ll be much better equipped to deal with it than you were the first time”…God, I pray she’s right.
I just had lunch with a great friend and she told me I was her “hero” and she can’t believe how great I am doing, blah, blah, blah. Sometimes, I think I am so strong and others I think I put on the biggest front to mask the pain! I still will break down and cry if I really think about what he did to me. I just will never understand how they do it to their kids either. It tears me up when I look at how innocent they are and to know their dad did this….ugh.
Well, we’re supposed to go to a party tomorrow night and I hope it goes well, sometimes me + wine, isn’t so good with thoughts of OP!
I cannot believe how familiar all the stories seem to me. I found out about 9 months ago that my h had an op. Yuck. The lying has been killer. He quit the OP and we started to communicate and become close again and I allowed the divorce to slow down and he swore to me and to others that he hated her and what she stood for and himself and if he could turn it all back he would and so I went home with him on my birthday and things seemed to be going along and then WHAM! He was moving her in to his apartment. What a joke I am! Our kids are 7 & 10 and he had not told them and neither had I and so it was twice the shock. My daughter seems better with it than my son. I had to step up to let my son know I would not hold resentment if he stayed with his dad on his weekends. I have had one psycho fit at his apartment and now do not even try to get out of my car. He still claims I am his best friend and that the relationship is not going any where and she will be getting her own place as soon as she has the cash and blah blah blah. Some days I cry in pain for me, some days I laugh too loud, some days I hurt for the kids, and some days I try not to get out of bed. I just started a gym cuz I am tired of looking at that fat girl in the mirror. Wasn’t fat until my first child and then have lost a couple of times since but not held it off. The gym feels great. This is the first thing that I have really done for me. I love the time I get there for ME. I really want to just get the divorce done and let it all go! I want to be friends I think but most of the time I don’t know how he can call me his friend after all he has done. I know that the affair is his problem and all that but I still wish I was what he wanted. I feel totally lost most of the time but work thru each day for the kids and now for my mind. I am so glad I can read all the posts and see the different stages. I keep re-reading ‘break free from the affair’ hoping it will sink in soon. I guess taking the step out into the world with playing pool and going to the gym are pretty big for me. I had become so anti-social and scared to be around people I did not know. Had our marriage done that to me? Did I allow the fat to get back at him for what I wanted to but did not say? I can not wait to feel good about myself again. I am tired of obsessing over why her and why not me. I have decided it is mostly my fat but deep down I know that it is more towards the fact that with the kids, he was no longer #1 and I quit catering to him. Thanks to all who sign on these boards!
Cheryl,
Oh my gosh, your story is so very similar to me!! I was overweight after having my kids (was thin when I met him!) and gained weight and felt like crap about myself, became less social and I think he controlled me so much that I just “gave up” essentially. Well, when I found out about the OP, and the LIES and what a total selfish jerk I was married to, I decided to start walking around my neighborhood. Put on the IPOD and went…and went…really helped getting the anger out! And…low and behold, the weight started to come off…then I used weights in my basement…then..I did the treadmill…and ran on it…I am half the person I used to be when I found out! I bought new clothes and I think it blew him away. I honestly think he figured I would go the other way, cry, eat, cry, eat, beg him….nope. Didn’t happen! I think he can’t stand the fact that he has lost control over me. The OP is thin, tiny but guess what, not as attractive as me! Ha! So I don’t care!!!! And mine did the same thing, I filed and he said it was a horrible mistake, blah, blah, blah, then WHAMO! LIED again, and again! So…I have major radar going on right now. I don’t know how this will play out, but either way, I just want to be good with ME and I want my kids to be emotionally stable!
Welcome to the post!
Good Morning Liz,
I am so proud of you loosing the weihgt that is a tough one by anyones standards. Seems like once you put it on it never wants to go away, I was lucky as mine was from the med’s I was on but did not get that heavy just glad it all came off when I stopped taking the stuff. I also walk 4 days a week about 3 to 5 miles depending on the weather and my attitude and found that I like better than the gym and only because of an incedent that happened there. Funny story in one way.
I was working out and when I am done in the cardio room I moved to the bike and a lady next to me struck up a conversation, you know the usual stuff where do you live whatever. I told her and when she found out who I was she called me a liar, she said “I KNOW HIM AND YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON HE IS WITH AS I KNOW THEM BOTH WELL”. My reply was “I think since you are a new comer to this town of ours maybe you should think about what is real and what is not, he is a very convincing person and since you know them as a couple so well maybe the next time you see him you should ask him about the woman he has been with for the 17 1/2 years”. Not a word from her after that she got up and went to her cell phone and out the door she went. I also know this gal he is with is a new comer so to speak and she does know about me. Like I said before knowing who she is to me now does not make life any more pleasant for either of us since he has decided to be home with me. I think they are all just screwed up so we’ll just see what transpires over time as I have that on my side I am not going anywhere at this time and I don’t think she has the stamina to out wait me. She wants him and he does not want to go sort of funny really when you think about it in a diverse way. Got to the point where I think of her for what she is, no respect for herself and low self esteem since she cannot find someone that was not attached to someone.
I believe all these women that do this sort of thing are just after the pay check and security because they are not smart enough to make it on there own and need someone to take care of them. I bet she was a tad mad when he did not move in with her but it’s not over with yet by a long shot she will not give it up she is like a dobberman pincher and a cruel person at that. He cannot be much better of a person either, amazing what you see and the other side will come out for her someday also as she will end up taking the blame for all of this in the long run because the men/women that do this sort of thing just hop from one set of problems to another and never address anything in themselves at hand. THERE OWN GUILT, becuase they are above being guilty and it’s always somebody else’s fault, they have no shame and cannot face themsleves. You know the type all for me and you go fly a kite.
Have a nice day, I plan on it.
Cheryl….your story sounds similar to mine except that my h has been living with her since day one of mov9ing our of here. But I heard all the …….we’re not really living to gether…etc….
I am getting happier and happier with me, but have all the days you describe as well. I am in a phase of not being sure of what I want…I just want me to be me.
We’ve had a number of arguments the past few days, but they feel different. We both express ourselves fully and then it’s over…..no more ‘ramping it up’ and leading into a hundred other things. They end with one of us realizing a miscommunication or apologizing. This is wierd for me as it is different, but feels bettter.
I think I might be at a point where I am not quite so cautions of showing life in a bad light….it is what it is and I am ‘finding my voice’! After 43 years!
Don’t know where it will go…..but still hanging in there until I know I should not any longer.
Hi all… heard a song on the radio yesterday and I reckon it was written for us. It was about a guy who did the wrong thing by his wife and they split up but it wasn’t long until her saw here again and was torn apart as she was with someone else.The thing that got to him was that she looked so beautiful, walked proud and confidently and he looked at her knowing that he had made her that way because how she had come through what he had done to her. I will have a hunt around and see if I can find it. All I could think was that the song was about how I was feeling. My h heard it as well and he didn’t say anything just reached for my hand.
Hi all – Liz, I am exactly where you are – if he is in contact again, I don’t care how “innocent” an encounter it is, I am done – and the main reason is that he told me himself in Nov.that he finally realized that no interaction he ever has with the OP will ever be innocent in my eyes – so it’s a choice he has to make – does he maintain no contact because he knows that or does he stay in contact and just keep it a better secret – he has not kept any of this a secret yet because I have always either found out or suspected and confronted – but if he chooses to reinitiate contact and just cover it up better, I will see that as an out-and-out and intentional attack on me, none of this “it just happened” and “I didn’t mean to hurt you” crap. And your therapist and mine are correct – this time we WILL be better equipped – that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, no?
Cheryl – welcome to the blog – one thing I will say is that I was quite clear with my H that I had no intention of being his friend if this broke us up – our son is grown so we don’t have that pressure over us – I think he thought that he could exit this marriage amicably if it came to that – well guess what? he’s wrong – I have no interest or investment in remaining his friend if that is what happens and I have told him so – and he knows me well after 41 years so he knows I mean it
Sandy – geez, that was a weird encounter! I also agree with you about the OP and the paycheck thing – my H would never see it that way but his OP was in a supposedly abusive marriage and has had no regular job to speak of for years – she has just been a substitute secretary in the school district (which he works for and where we live, unfortunately) and although I suspected that he got her those assignments, it turns out I was wrong – she has done that for a few years, before she ever met him – he told me this but I had to prove it on my own and was able to do so – since he is a very well respected teacher in town, I am willing to bet that she saw a good opportunity, good salary and benefits, good status in town, security for her teen-aged daughter who had him for a fifth grade teacher (that is how they met, UGH) – he likes to portray it as “it just happened” but I think he was looking for a diversion for the many reasons we have now talked about with one another and she was looking for one too but also for a way out – when she left her home last May with her daughter because her husband had hit her (so my H has told me) and then returned after getting a restraining order on her husband, I am sure she was rather furious with my H because he didn’t seize the opportunity to leave me in order to be with her or at least be more available – she never in a million years expected me to hang on – she had to go and live with her sister and family for a few weeks and was calling him from a pay phone until she got a cell phone – this is better than a made-for-TV movie, no?
Marlene
It was so good to hear someone else say the friendship is over. I feel the same i want nothing to do with my ex. Others percieve it as the bitter party, but for me really how can i possibly be friends with someone who had no respect for my or my childrens lives and doesnt to this day. In a perfect world i guess that would work. but were not in a perfect world are we. I have sole custody and have not seen him but a handful of times in 4 yrs after being together for 26 yrs. he made some really stupid choices that affected all of us in the worst ways and im suppose to be his friend, not in this lifetime because that is not the kind of friends i want to have in my life or need in my life, thank you so much for saying that.
Hi All!
Things are status quo for me. I honestly think this is the longest I’ve gone without bringing up the OP..a full week! Ha! My previous track record was no longer than 4 days. I feel pretty good about myself today, not really letting it get to me, not dwelling on it as much (still dwell daily, but not as severe..)
Marlene – I am right with you! Any contact, a MOLECULE on his side, this girl is at a divorce lawyer faster than he can say “alimony”. I honestly can’t believe I am still with him after all he has done. I just pray I would be better equipped for it emotionally. The anger, is what would worry me. And, no, we would not be “pals”. No way could I bring myself to that relationship with him. It’s hard enough now to just look at him sometimes let alone if he lies to me again after all of this nightmare he put me through.
Jessi – did you ever find out the song? I think I might know it..have you also heard the one (female artist, can’t think of her name) but it was something to the fact that “you should have thought about that before you cheated!”….I was blaring it in my car one day…made me smile.
Sandy – I love to walk. Couldn’t do the gym thing either. What a story!!
I think walking helped keep me sane actually when he was with the OP. It made me walk faster, and faster, just thinking about it…great way to work out and let off steam!
I will let you know if I make 2 full weeks, that’s my goal right now. Anyone done that so far????
Hi all… Liz I have gone 3 weeks with hardly a mention of her. It sure feels better, she is no longer the most important topic of conversation. Had a good weekend, h was home when he said he would be and didn’t even blink the couple of times I asked if I could go with him when he was running errands. That is a change!!!
Picked up our wedding rings from the rooms they were left in from when we took them off before Christmas. Told h I was just putting them in a safe place. He passed a comment saying that soon it will be time to put them back on again. I replied mine will got back on when I know I won’t need to take it off again!!!
Hang in there all especially the newcomers, you will find these posts a great help.
Hi All!
I have been reading all the post and seeing a bit of myself in all of them. After 2 years of this back and forth (“she means nothing and I can’t stay away”) I am now wondering whether the prize I was seeking (my H) was actually worth all of this effort. Make any sense? Like, if I win, will I be happy with the prize? He is working with his therapist on what they have determined(and he does agree with her)is an addiction. It’s not a sex addistion, but an addiction to the “high” of the new romance/infatuation/she thinks I am all that and a bag of chips. I rarely bring her up anymore. The urge to do so has passed. I have pretty much dealt with the anger of the betrayal by seeing it more as his need to have his ego propped so he can feel good about himself. That the whole thing was never about me.
Good Morning Everybody,
One song that comes to mind is, Come To Expect It From You by George Strait. I bought the CD, The Millennium Collection, I have played and it has become my favorite it tells it like it is. Got to love George. Amazing how we can relate to different issue’s through music but I guess it just express’s how we really feel and feel we never say the right things at the right time. Hind sight is 20/20 I always think of great come backs after the fact and that is because at the time my frustration over all this has made my brain go in so many directions at one time.
I have made so many changes myself over all this about attitude towards him and it works for me not to say it is right/wrong just different. We can’t out think them because thier problems are just that thier problems and they will have to work them out themselves if ever.
The OP is probably just that and will go by the way side for a new one in time or maybe he will stay home but I doubt it so I have my choices to make for myself and have.
Liz, we do have allot in common as we have all been there done that, I have not brough her up in over a month. I just figured it was not worth the mental effort on my part any longer to drain myself for his bad behavior.
Later, have a great day.
Has anyone had this issue/argument? The OP called my H a minium of 10 times a day, for 6 months. I can print the phone bill and earmark each time. He also called her about 10 times. Here’s the deal, I called him this morning to tell him about an appointment and I got,”couldn’t this wait?”….”did you have to make a special call to tell me this?”…….I was so furious but I kept my cool. All I could think of was, “bet he didn’t tell the OP, did you have to make a SPECIAL call to tell me this?!” I cannot stop making these comparisons, no matter how hard I try! I can’t help but feel like it’s OK for her to do it, but not for his WIFE to do it. Can anyone relate to this issue??? even in a different way?
Hi Liz – yes I did have the same issue – I know they talked a lot by phone, more so after I found out, during their “friendship” stage – and I know that I called him a few times when he was either with her or when he was on the phone with her – in those cases his phone went instantly to voicemail – when he was still in his nasty phase, he said something to me about calling him during the day and accused me of checking up on him, making him feel as if I was watching him all the time (well, ‘ya think?)All I can say is that changed once the contact with her was severed – now when I call him, which I don’t do that often, he is fine with it – a few weeks ago, I almost died laughing because he called me and left me this big long voicemail that went on and on when the info really could have waited until we both got home that day – I guess I have to go back to the pointlessness of comparing ourselves to the OP and our marriages to that relationship – remember the phone was a lifeline between them because they were not coming home to each other every night – of course it bugs me if I think about it so I understand how you feel – her power came from many things he gave her, not the least of which was his willingness to be interrupted during the day by her calls – but there came a point when he was actually avoiding taking his phone with him – he was afraid of getting a call, not wanting to deal with it – her power just kept ebbing away – I was honest with him about the phone and the “meaning” it had for me – I told him that it was ironic to me that the phone was a link between them since I was the one that had bought the phone for him!! I told him that while I didn’t want to interrupt his day, there was a positive feeling that I got if I knew that I could call him and that my call would not be competing with another woman’s call – so it isn’t the calling or not that is bothering you or him – it’s what it signifies – if you can talk about it with him without comparing (like saying that you know that he probably never reprimanded her for calling him) maybe that’s an angle to take
It seems like all of you got to keep your husband. That was my dream but now I know that I would have been the stalking Sherlock Holmes and that would have been a crappy life. Found out the divorce will be final in court on March 7th. Been a 2 year long divorce. I really want to be nasty with my h and say things like, ‘you and your new family should be happy and relieved’. Her kids, which were taken away by her mother for 6 months, stay with them often. My h forwarded an email to me which was originally from the op. Now I know her email address and phone number and am having a hard time not writing a nasty email. Even though this would make no difference and probably make me look psycho again. I hate and hurt all the time except when at the gym or busy with kids stuff. I sometimes wish the kids were older so I could just bury myself at the gym. I know that what I feel is self pity and not fair to them so I push it aside and move on to make the most of our lives. My h treats me like the ‘other woman’ now. He calls from his mothers when she isn’t with him or from work. I feel like telling him off but always regret it in the end as I still feel the need to have him around. I can tell when she is there by the sound of his voice. He has an attitude with me when I call and she is around but not when he is at work or somewhere without her. I feel very hostile today. I want to scream and cuss and all that. I am so glad for this blog to get some of this out and get feedback from others that really understand. Thanks to all of you!!
Hi Cheryl,
If it would help, I will give you mine ;-)
I almost died when I saw his cell phone bill and he was so protective of it and told me I was never to open or look at his mail and accused me of everything you can imagine. I had a chance incounter with it one day and found over 200 calls made from her to him and him to her all times of the day I wondered how they got anything done at thier jobs and how they got away with all the time spent on the phone from 5:30 AM in the morning till 10:30 PM at night it went on for months. That is not including all the voice mails that were checked and there were 100’s. Was’nt good enough for him to spend about 6 hours or more with her a day the cell phone became thier life line. A total fasination thing with a new romance I guess but I still believes he calls her but I really don’t care an longer he is at home and she is by herself with whatever or whoever, who cares and she got what she asked for when I am sure she gave him the choice her/me and who knows what will happen yet maybe it’s over maybe not but I doubt if she would take him back because in the back of her mind would always be the question, when is he going to leave/cheat on me. Maybe not but if I were her I would be thinking that. These women are like sharks with thier jaws open they see things in men we don’t see and I believe it is because the men/women require the adoration so much from others they don’t think about anything but themselves, selffish to the core. Who gets hurt the person who is staying at home doing what they should be doing, being faithful. Tough nut to crack to even try and understand all the crap that goes through thier minds and how they justify every action that they do. I could not do it, I think the effort would not be worth the regrets I would have.
Good Luck to Us All
Sandy – couldn’t have put it better myself! The amount of calls to my H and the OP were nauseating. And most of them were like 1-2 minutes in duration so I am sure it was when I was in the house, or he was somewhere that he had to hide what he was saying, and they made a quick plan to meet somewhere. I don’t know. The whole thing makes me ill and it’s been 8 months now, and the feelings are strong as ever. I thought I would be feeling better by now, but I am not. I honestly think the shock factor has worn off, and the anger has subsided, and now the harsh reality of what he did to me and the kids is front and center in my head, and in my heart. Sometimes I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive him and I don’t want to live out the rest of my life with this looming inside me everyday. I know they say it can take 1-2 years, but I also think it’s how the faithful person is “built” inside. I have always thought to myself if he ever cheated, I would leave him, divorce, etc. So, I think a major part of my upset is that I sold out my own values or something. I know that isn’t true, but I can’t help feel this way. Can you tell I am having a bad morning?? I often wonder if his days are like mine, but in a different way? Does he feel remorse everyday? Guilt? I just wonder to the depths of how this whole thing effected him.
Good Morning Liz,
I don’t know if they even think about it much but I do think they wonder about us. Maybe not the way we would like them to but I believe they wonder what we are relly going to do, little things that are said are sometimes more powerful then a huge blow out. Tell you what happened last night.
We had to run down to the local pub as we are having a Mardi Gras party saturday night and the masks were in and really he did not have to come with me as they are for the gals only but he drove me. A gal was there we both know and she is getting a divorce and she bent his ear about all the demeaning things that her husband said and did to her the verbal abuse/emotional and so on. On the way home he made a comment about it and all I said was “any type of abuse changes a persons attitudes some better some worse”. He did not say another word all the way home just held my hand, he knows what he did to me/us so we’ll just see what transpires over time and I have allot of time. Who knows maybe the lights are coming on for him maybe not who knows what they think but I am so tired of trying to second guess his actions it just wears me out emotionally and I am tired of it myself. I know he wonders what I am thinking now and good for him about time he thought of someone else besides himself and her.
Being hurt like this takes it’s toll on everybody him/me/family/her, friends that don’t talk to you because they know and are affraid you will either spill the beans or ask them if they have seen him with someone else they all know and if I were in thier shoes I would probably feel the same way, understandable. I would not want to hurt my friends and have them feel badly about me telling them only makes matters worse when you know and see the couple together and I know people here think I should have been long gone but love is a strange creature when you care. Tough call all the way around. I feel I have sold out also and that is not a good feeling to think I have the left overs when I thought this was a one on one relationship, better or worse but I guess that does not mean much to them all the promises they make you are gone in a flash and they don’t care what you think or do. So sad for the ones like us to feel like we have been so used, abused, lied to, cheated on and emotional upsets are so great that’s it hard to focus on anything. They just don’t get it and if they do they will never admitt to it because then it would reflect on thier actions.
Hope you have a better day all of us look back and think more some days than others but just hang in you will be fine and so will I, time does good things so they say.
Sandy and Liz – I also can still feel the outrage and get nauseated when I remember everything – all the calls I saw, the times he lied to cover what he was doing, etc. and it is a year since I found out. I think the only thing that helps balance that is that I do see things better between us now than before. Does he think about it and feel remorse everyday? I doubt it because I think he, like many people who did this, has the capacity to put his guilty thoughts aside, to decide to just not think about it. One thing I was thinking this morning, along the lines of what you are saying about “selling out” by staying with them after we found out about this – you wonder what makes them think they can get away with it, right? so I think initially they are in la-la land and figure you will never find out – but I also think that they know us well and feel like they WILL get away with it – that even if we find out about it, we will not leave them – and in our cases, they are right, no? but I am not sure that makes us weak or stupid or as if we should feel taken advantage of – I think for me it was taking a perspective – someone in this triangle had to be the grown-up as they both acted like teenagers, selfishly and irresponsibly – if I had thought he had after all these years met the right person for him I would have just walked away – but that is not the way I saw it and as much as it hurts and as hard as it is to forgive him, I felt that our marriage was worth preserving – there are still many things that I love and respect in him as much as I hate what he did –
as far as them thinking what we are thinking and feeling for a change – when you see that I think it is a sign of progress – because it means they are developing empathy for the people they hurt, not just giving a lip-service apology and not getting defensive
Nikki-I can have your what? Husband? Thanks but trying to cut down! On the cell phone thing, I took care of any hiding or lying there. I signed up for online access to the bill and did not tell him until he lied about talking to her and I was able to prove the lie. This has made me a stalker of sorts. I always know what her number is. I always said if he ever fooled around I would leave him and the end. No it is not that easy. I know that the book ‘break free from the affair’ gave me lots of ways to handle or decide what to do if we were to get back together. I wrote a poem that is being published and entered into the $1,000 drawing this month. That is something good from all of the bad. Here goes, I be you all can relate to some extent.
Surrender??Let go??Move on.
These words are so easy to say.
Just do it??Take a step??You won’t fall.
The world is just a stumble away.
Good luck to us all.
Strange how we all seem to have a down day around the same time. All has been going so well but today I feel overwhelmed by it all and wish it would all go away. H hasn’t done anything in particular to cause me to feel like this he was even home early last night. Maybe I am just worn out have had a lot on this week. Every time my cell phone rings or a message comes in I dread that it is some story the OP’s h is cooking up to unsettle the progress that we are making here. Between her and him I think they are trying to destroy us. My h sure got himself involed in a screwed up family.
Don’t know if I should say anything about how I am feeling to my h. Maybe I should just let him know that somedays I need a little TLC. Went to a funeral yesterday of a friend who was the most wonderful, loving person. She was only 48, sure puts things into perspective!! Couldn’t help thinking why did someone who brought so much joy to the people around them have to suffer and be taken from her family and someone (OP) who has caused so much pain and hurt to so many take up space on this earth.
Liz I also wonder if he has bad days like I do or has he just put it all in a box and put it on a shelf and doesn’t want to take the lid off and that is how he deals with it. I have a girlfriend who had an affair many years ago and it has been a big help talking to her and hearing the other side. She stayed with her h because deep down she knew that that was where her security was and that if she was true to herself she knew that she would never trust the OP. She also said that it took her 2 years to work through the affair and now she wonders how her h stood by her. Their relationship now is stronger than ever and they never discuss the affair. She said she just put it in a box, locked the lid and doesn’t go there. Guess different people handle it different ways and also there is the “male” factor. Don’t think they are real good at doing more than one thing at a time so that is why the affair becomes such a stressful situation for them.
My h seems a lot more relaxed at the moment. I am sure if she is contacting him she would be nagging him to leave and be with her, here would be a lot better option as I am calm… I don’t think that anyone can really say how they would react in this situation unless it happens to them. I didn’t think I would react like I have. Sometimes I too wonder if the prize will be worth it. Sometimes I wonder if I want him or I just want to win the battle!!!
Jessi – I understand exactly how you feel! I also think the OP is laying awake nights (she lives alone) thinking about how she can get to my H’s emotions and break up our marriage.
Did your friend say it took 2 years to get OVER the OP?? That’s the part I have a difficult time with. Thinking that he is hearbroken and missing her. I just have such a hard time with that everyday! Everytime he seems quiet, or down, I think he is missing her. Then I think I deserve so much better than him!! UGH.
Yes, today is a down day, but I hope tomorrow is better! Usually works like that. Comes in waves as my therapist would say! Just hope someday the waves turn to a calm peaceful ocean for all of us.
Aside from the issue of whether or not I was losing respect for myself for staying, was the overriding injustice of staying here while seemingly HE decided what HE wanted to do. I think that is the feeling that lead me to wake up and say, “Hey! Why is it his choice? I get to decide what I want for ME!”
It does seem like it comes in waves and I guess it will for a while till we really sort through what we want, not think about how they would feel they have done enough damage to us all.
I don’t know if they have bad days or not and if they do good for them not that they cared enough what we thought when they disrespected us by doing what they did. How can we have respect for them they have none for themselves and I don’t think any of them deserve mine.
I am also having a difficult day and not because of him just me I got to thinking about so many things and just got down in the dumps. I think I just want more and when I look at him I think how can I do this after all he has done. His look is so different that he seems to be a stranger to me and when he looks at me it is so different, what is he hiding is all I can think who knows if I’m right or wrong he lied to me for so long and I believed everything he told me that I don’t listen to myself like I should. I have become complacent about so much just to keep my own sanity better than always screaming in my own head. They just don’t have a clue what or how women think and what about the OP how do they say, gee it’s been fun but time to go. How heartless they become so quickly without a blink of an eye I could not do it. I will never get it!
Like the rest of us I can’t read tea leaves so I guess we will all have to do the best for ourselves and salvage what’s left of our hearts the best we can. It has not been an easy road for any of us.
Have a good night.
Liz, yes she did say that it took that long but as time went buy she thought about him less and less she also mentioned that this didn’t stop her from getting closer to her h. It actually made her see more clearly all the good things in him. I don’t beleive for a minute that my h doesn’t think about the OP from time to time, just hoping it is happening less and he is starting to see her for what she really is.
I don’t know how the rest of you feel but I am more hurt by the lies than the infedality as lies can happen at any time and you start to wonder what is real.
Lets all have a better day tomorrow
Hi all
I think getting over the op depends on many factors.
It would depend on their contact with them, if there is none and hasnt been any nor will there be i think they will get over them very quickly. But if they are still involved i dont think that they can get over them at all until the ties are broken. For those whose h may still be living with the op, then i dont think they have even made the decision as to what they want as if they did they would nt be living with them and how could they possibly forget someone they live with and bed every night. the op person clearly has to be gone to move on and forward to me there is no doubt in that, if they are still around it will always bring gloom to the relationship, and hover like a cloud. If only the h’s could put themselves in the wives shoes then and only then mite they see the lite. if they were the one in that position. Whats that old saying what is good for the goose is good for the gander became a saying for a reason. and while it is not something that people should always adopt as a solution, I do think for those still in turmoil may prove to wake up their counterparts as to what it must feel like. just a thought take care everyone.
Hi all –
I think Iam at a huge low point today. Last night, not good. I calmly and rationally brought up to my H the fact that when he took tons of calls from the OP, and then told me that my call “could wait, etc” was very hard for me to take. He did just what I figured, got all mad, defensive, and said all roads lead back to the affair! I finally figured out it’s useless to tell him how I feel inside. I read that the only way to get past an affair, is by allowing the betrayed person to talk about it, vent, etc. Well, I just don’t think he has the capability to allow me to do this. I don’t know if it’s guilt, or what, but it’s really getting harder for me to deal with.
Sandy – I don’t look at him the same either. I feel like he is a stranger and the guy I was married to for 10 years, is a memory.
It’s so painful to remember our past, before the affair, and how different I felt then. Even though we had problems, I still felt secure. It’s so sad to think how such a selfish act, can destroy a family, extended family, kids and a future. Gosh, I just think some people realize this (US) and know that the risk is far too great!! I just can’t believe they don’t see it that way!
Jessi – the lies, are far worse for me too. Because they look you in the eye, and tell you, and you believe them unconditionally, then you find out how easy it was for them to lie to you. UGH. I totally agree. And, the sad part is we wouldn’t accept that behavior from a friend, or stranger, or co-worker. So, why do we accept it from our spouse? Is it because we have a history? a family? or, are we afraid to be alone? I just don’t get it.