Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.
In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.
I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.
The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.
Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:
Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. I know that at some point he will earn my trust back but it will never be the same level. This whole experience has taught me to think about my needs, think of the ways that the relationship has been unfulfilling for me and asking for what I want. It helped me find out about boundaries and how to figure out which boundaries I needed to set up. I just defend my space more I guess. If I find out that he is having another affair, it would be easier for me to accept the truth and walk away, rebuild my life because I spent enough time on myself and figured out what I want and who and what my sources of support are. I am interested in learning more about identifying and breaking the barriers that keep us from making an authentic and lasting connection. I think at the bottom of all barriers there is FEAR. How do we get over the fear to reach out and connect? My husband says I always have bad timing for these conversations. I feel very much like I am an invisible wife when we are together. We are just polite to each other. “Moving on” for him is to bury the past. I think it’s easier for the offender to bury the past. I have to say, there was more passion and more sex between us when the affair was going on because we really talked all the time about our feelings. Once he stopped the relationship, he avoids talking about his feelings and if I want to have this kind of intimacy with him, the door is “shut”. Sex is very blah because I feel invisible. It’s almost as if every move he makes to get close to me ( a hug, a kiss ) is very tentative, not really coming from a place of intimacy but it is more like a surface stroke. Why is he being so tentative and blah? I know I have too many questions but I need your help.
Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach
- Determine the pattern, the impasse, the barrier that precludes more intimacy.
- Identify the fearful part of me.
- Get to the bottom of “bad timing.??
- Explore in detail the kind of affair that you faced to help determine strategy.
Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:
- If the affair was “I don’t want to say no”” “I’m not sure I’m willing to live in a relationship where I struggle so much with being “invisible.?? I’m not sure when I will draw the line, but I’m almost certain it will be drawn, if I continue to feel the void.
- If the affair was “I need to prove my desirability”” “It is difficult maintaining and building our intimacy, the way it seems. I struggle with that?? feeling ok about myself. I wonder if you do too?”
- If the affair was “I want to be close to someone, but can’t stand intimacy”” “Wow! This has been a roller coaster ride. We move close, we move away. We seem to be pulling away now. I suppose this serves some purpose?”
- If the affair was “My marriage made me do it”” “OK, What the #%@# is going on here? There’s a part of me that wants to spit nails. I do NOT want to live this way. I’m royally #$% off at how this is going! And, I would think you might be #$#%# off too!”
What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.
Sue, my husband is trying to deal with the shame and guilt too. He has guilt for what he did to the OP also, so that’s a big issue right now. She didn’t do anything to him, so it’s been hard for him to “dislike” her and be indifferent to her. The last few days he has been quiet and closed off. Of course I immediately think he’s seeing her again. He works from home now since the last incident and yesterday he had to go to the office for a meeting. I was, needless to say, unnerved. Everything was fine when he got home, but in the past I have looked back on these incident and see it as a cycle for him. He gets anxious and brooding not talking to her, quiet at home or distant even, then gives in to his anxiety and talks to her, and is relieved and out of guilt I think, becomes more loving to me. So when he came home yesterday and was so loving toward me after a few days of distance, I thought, RED FLAG!!! Then this morning he woke me up to tell me he was feeling anxious about her and wrote her an email about a business thing that he had told me he was going to write the night before. He said it made him feel better to get it done. The thing is, that the email was about a business subject but the original conversation with her about it was in a personal conversattion they had. I read it, he asked me to, and I told him, while I understood why he felt he needed to write it and I know other business emails were in our future to her, I thought this one was not a good move for him, because first it wasn’t necessary, he could have just let it go. It wasn’t a crucial thing he needed to discuss and there was emotion behind it for him because it made him “feel” better.
Anyway, we are going to our counselor today so maybe we can discuss it more there. It was a big step for us, however, that number one he told me about it and number two, let me read it and discuss his feelings with me. I am however, uneasy that he was having these thoughts about her and anxiety. I wonder how long it will take him to get her out of his head? I am thinking a long, long time. That make me sad. He did say that this time was different for him, because the feelings he was having weren’t like before wher he HAD to see her and talk to her. Just had her on his mind for some reason. We are on the 3rd week of the addiction cycle since his last encounter with her so I am on high alert! This is when he typically can’t stop the urge to reach out to her. And then we have the email he sent. Just another form of reaching out you think? I think so. He also told me that next week he has a two day sales meeting at work and has to be in a room with her and others all day and was not looking forward to it. This was also a first for him to share his feelings about seeing her in a close setting at work, but as you know I can’t predict or control his actions so those two days will be hell for me. I told him to sit near the door, so if was feeling anxious if a break came he could be the first out the door to get out of the situation. Didn’t know what else to say. I so want to be supportive, but do you know how weird it is that I am having to help my HUSBAND get over his feeling for another woman? Just boggles my mind. I am so not prepared for this. Glad to hear you are hanging in there. Take care, MS
Ms I totally agree with you about what happened in the chat room
esp since the person is trying to learn and grow from it like Vincent. Everyone does make mistakes but when someone acknowledges it they should be supported not chastised, I havent been in any of the chat rooms how did you find it. It must be really hard for you to be subjected to his constant involvement with her. It is something you should bring up with the counsellor, his advice to you husband will go farther than yours because its coming from an independant source. I cant imagine what goes through your head and cant blame you at all for being anxious about it all I would be too, trying to put your rel back together and dealing with that too ugg. It seems so conflictive and must make it hard to move forward. At least he is involving you in the process hopefully thats a good sign. Good luck at your session
Shennie, the chat room is accessible at the top of this page to the left. There’s a box that says chat. Click on it and it will take you to a box to sign in. You need to create a user name and password. Thanks for the support, I’ll let ya know how the session today goes. MS
Hi all, just an update on our counseling session. We took a few marriage compatability tests last week and after analysis by the pysch. he told us that we differ on a few key issues, one is communication (that’s a surprise) and our children. We touched a little bit on these issues but mainly focused on the email thing from my previous post and the anxiety we are both having and for me depression. the couns. wants me on an antidepressant, so I am making an appt with my internist. I know he is right and if a med. will help then I am all for it.
He also told my husband that he needs to get in control of his obsessive thougths about the OP. That this is triggered by anxiety and relieved with contact with her. He told him to tell himself to STOP when he starts thinking of her and do an activity to get this off his mind, and if he can’t do it then he needs to take a xanax. He thought that it was a step in the right direction today though with him telling me about the email etc. from the post above. No real epiphanies. I know counseling is a slow process and we need to work at home on a lot of issues. It’s just so difficult and exhausting somedays. Plus when one of us doesn’t feel like “working” on things at the moment and the other does, we face a new challange, resentment. All in all, we are still plugging along, and both have hopes of coming out of this better together than we ever have been, so that is progress I guess. Hope all is well with all of you, MS
MS Can empathises with you. It feels strange for me as well as I have to support my h in getting over his feelings for the OP. He has got himself in such a mess. Her daughter left an abusive message on his phone as she blames him for splitting up her family. Then I get a message on my phone from the OP’s h to tell me his daughter tried to commit suicide and puts the full blame on my h and threatened to do something to my h. My fear is for my daughter… I hope nothing is done to her as payback. My h has got himself involved with a screwed up, violent family. After all this happening last night the good thing that came out of it is that he opened up and talked about things. Admitted that he still felt strongly about her and it will take time to get over her. He also commented on how I have stuck by him through all this and admires me for that. Some positive things came out of the discussion. Talked about her being like an addiction and what happens on a day to day basis the important thing. (Thanks Sue for that one and the marathon analogy in the chat room… he could relate to that.) My h contacted the OP to tell her what her h had done … like you said MS was that just an excuse to relieve his anxiety of not seeing her… he should have just let it go. At least he told me. There have been a few subtle changes in him.
He made an interesting comment last night. I used the Dr Bob.. I to have sometimes thought that I maybe better off with someone else. His reply was that he would be better off than me because I would have to find someone. I was able to confidently reply.. No, I would be the one that would be better off because I have learnt a lot about myself over the past 2 years and I wouldn’t just be trading one relationship for another. I would have the opportunity to be happy on my own before I found someone I wanted to share my life with so that someone would be rather special. Not be compeled to jump from the frying pan into the fire with all the problems of that family!!! So all just hang on to the thought of how much you have all grown and the compassion and forgiveness you have in your hearts… this makes us all very special people. To be able to forgive is a very liberating thing and I think people don’t realize that until they have been placed in the situation where they have to be able to dig deep within themselves to find forgiveness for something that someone heas done to them.
Hi All
Jesse – good for you! you are SO right about you being better off than him if you were to find someone else. I would not be based on lies, secrecy, deception, etc. His is. It’s not reality based. You are very strong and I am sorry you have to go through this also. I’ve been in your boat but fortunatly not had to deal with the OP’s family calling or flipping out. But, doesn’t that show you what a mess he’s got himself involved in! I agree that this has to make all of us on this blog much stronger people! I can’t see how any of it makes them or the OP stronger, unless they realize the harm they truly caused, they are still living in their own denial, etc.
Stay strong.
I agree anonymous… the denial they live in stiffles them. I have asked my h to change his phone number so her family can’t contact him. He said he would but hasn’t got around to it. I think this denial is a way of getting around what is happening as the reality of the situation he has created. It is avoiding admitting that he is the one responsible. I feel an incredable calmess within me and have told him that sometimes I feel like it would be better to take myself and my daughter right away from this. He said don’t do that as he feels that he has turned the corner. Maybe soon he might realize that there are a few things he needs to do to make me feel that it is okay for me to trust him a little.
Hi all – I have been checking the other blog, and then decided to try this one, which is now almost as long as the other! So I am catching up…way back someone asked for some facts: I am 56 and my husband is 57 – the OP is 48. My husband and I were high school sweethearts and have been married for 36 years – the affair started in the summer of 2004 and I discovered it in February 2006. We have one son who is 26 and lives on his own. I confided in him last May because I was also (like Sue) preparing for a deadline and I felt that he should be forewarned. A few weeks ago, after discussing my son’s current problems with his own girlfriend with my husband, I suggested that we tell him together about the affair and we called him and did so – so although my husband doesn’t know I had already told him, at least he knows that my son now is aware of what he did – I had written about this on the other blog.
Liz – I am glad you are reading “NOT Just Friends” and finding it helpful – I told my therapist this past weekend that I think it should be required reading for any couple contemplating marriage.
As I skimmed through all the comments, a couple of things came to mind – yes, I take an antidepressant and have done so since April – it primarily helps me to sleep better. Back this past summer when things were improving between my husband and me and going not so well between the OP and him (that is, I think their efforts to be “friends” wasn’t working because she was getting demanding, etc) he informed me that since she had so many problems (and at one point he said he told her that he could not solve her problems for her and that he thought he WAS her problem) she also went on an antidepressant.
As for encounters with her – well, my husband and she do not know I know her by sight – they both know that I know her name and where she lives – I know that she knows me by sight. I have kept it that way because this is a small town and it allows me to encounter her by chance without her realizing it so I can observe her covertly. I have tripped over, by coincidence, one habit of hers – going to the Starbuck’s in our neighborhood on Wed. nights with a girlfriend – on two or three occasions I have deliberately run errands in the same place and stopped in there, wanting to have her see me and hoping she will recall that I exist and am flesh and blood too. As for her illness (breast cancer) and her marriage (abusive husband, she has filed for divorce) – well, she looks fine to me and I would rather have it that way.
Hmmm – the relapses – how many? Well in my mind there were 2 – kind of. In early August he told her he wouldn’t meet with her anymore – a few weeks later, I found out he wasn’t where he said he was (a friend of mine helped me out on this one – I was following a “hunch”) and called him on his phone – he first lied, then I said “the heck with it” and called him again and asked if he was really where he said he was and he told me no, he was with her “trying to end this once and for all.” A week and a half later, she called him – he answered – he told me about the call, I blew up – so he ended all contact on Labor Day weekend by writing her a letter – but – he said that he intended to call her at some point to see how her health was – not to start up again, not as a friend but just as one human being to another – so that was hanging out there for a couple months. He said he would tell me – but – turns out he didn’t tell me – as he later explained, he bumped into her in late Oct. and had started emailing – knew he should have told be but couldn’t bring himself to (more than likely because he didn’t want to endure a “scene”) I saw those emails and although it was clear from them that the love affair really was “over” as far as they were concerned, there were allusions to songs that reminded them of each other, blah, blah – so it was a true blessing that I discovered them – I, by that time, had enough strength to blast him – he never knew what my proof was, though. Someone said never to accuse on a feeling and I totally agree. Anyway, he paid closer attention this time and could finally see it through my eyes. Someone back awhile ago said that she wished that her husband would think about how it would be if the tables were turned? Guess what? They can’t – they just insist that their circumstances are “different.” Little do they know that they all say the same things! I, as did someone else on this blog, told him that I don’t have another one of these in me and I think and hope that he believes that.
As far as the OW just accepting the ending? Well every case is different – but in mine, she wasn’t going to let go until he really made her mad – and the way he cut her off this last time wasn’t cruel but it was abrupt – and she went ballistic on him – I think she scared him by showing up at his school and waiting for him to come out so she could blast him – maybe it dawned on him that this was real and that he wouldn’t like it if people he worked with saw this altercation, etc – in the email she wrote later, she called him a “wimp” for being “scared” that I might see them – as well as a few other choice things – she told him he may think he loves me but it’s a joke, that he isn’t in love with me and he just thinks he loves me because we have been together for so long – she also accused me of “setting him up” to reveal that they had been in contact by confronting him – damn straight – I did set him up – to tell me the truth.
As far as whether it’s discovered or they reveal it – yes, I wish he had revealed it – but I started snooping because I started listening harder to stuff he was saying – when I mentioned that to him he said that he thought he was “trying” to tell me in a way – he is not a great communicator, doesn’t express feelings well (and will not go to counseling because of not liking to talk about his feelings) but he has improved through this process because we have had to talk about all this awful stuff.
Hope this hasn’t been too long – I haven’t been able to get into the chat room either but will try again
Good luck and hugs to you all – take good care of yourselves – I’ll be back or will find you…
OK…again……you are all saying things that I can so relate to.
Liz…I have/had that book (gave to my h to read) and I don’t remember reading about the part of how it ends. Everything I remember says that it must happen immediately and with finality. I have been struggling with this as my h believes what you have said and has been moving steadily in that direction. I also believe it but have wondered how much I am allowing it to continue by hanging on. Of course, when thinking this through I can say I am not allowing it to continue…I can only ‘allow’ what happens to me. This thought actually makes me feel much better.
MS…..I say ‘yeah for you’. That sounds like huge progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I also do some of that supportive talk with my h and find it very bizarre. However, some of my more ‘evolved’ friends find it very encouraging that I am able to have some empathy without sacrificing my own feelings. Heady stuff, but it somehow makes me feel so much better knowing that we can talk about it and that if we have a future together it won’t be so fraught (at least not as much) with the ‘elephant in the living room’…I’m not so good with elephants.
Jessi…glad the analogy helped. It sounds like a corner is being turned, but definately in the beginning stages. Still, very significant.
Actually, all of these situations (mine included) sound like they are on the continuum of increased honesty and realization of feelings. The hell is in not taking backward movement which always seems to exist.
Hope the foward momentum continues for us all. Yes, we are strong special people. That is a good part of why so much of the world does not understand. Their strength has never been put to the test. Lucky them.
Right on target with your final comment Sue, but I would say lucky us… we are really learning how strong we are and not everyone gets that chance. You need to forgive before you can heal… be empowered not bitter, be strong and love yourself more than anything else.
i am going to write on the title above this a future tinged with hope as it seems thats where most are and this one is getn long again.
Marlene, glad you found us, funny, I was just going to say lets move to next blog section since this one is getting so long. 36yrs married? Wow! I’ve been married 12 yrs this June and am 38, H is 38 also. I have told my husband that while I know he feels his youth fading and isn’t dealing with the aging process well(he feels out of shape, needs to lose a little weight, has a few aches and pains, chronic heartburn etc) I cannot stick around and let my life stay on hold for a man that may just say to hell with it and leave anyway a few years down the road. I’m only 38 and I still could meet someone and be married for 40 yrs to someone else. I told him last night that his “longing” for her that causes him anxiety is really beginning to urke me and while I am glad he told me about his feelings, a big step for us, I am concerned he is getting “stuck” in this cycle and I can’t do this forever. Either the cycle has to break or we do. I’m not sure what kind of deadline to put on myself. How long do I allow him to grieve, feel, long for her?
He says it’s different, not that he wants to be with her or anything, just thinks about her, good and bad and what he did to both of us and puts him in a panic. Now I am a rational person, realistic even, I know that he isn’t just going to turn this off like a faucet, but if he was truely happy with me and being home, don’t ya all think he would just be at least indifferent to her by now. They haven’t had a physical relationship, meaning sex, since June I think, so what is the draw to her. She isn’t anything special to look at, and from what he says she complains alot about her family and always has a problem. Maybe that’s it? He likes to be her helper. Give her advice, and she listens.
I’m not giving up on us, I think that counseling is helping, but I have wasted a year of my life now, on this crap and I want more from life and love. I don’t want a divorce, but I want the man I married. I told my H last night I didn’t really know him anymore. I mean I know his likes and dislikes, the things that please him, and irritate him, but I don’t really KNOW his values anymore, his philosophy on life, he plans for the future. I thought I did, but since all this, I see we must have very different views on marriage, fidelity, family etc. The really important issues. We need to be on the same page with this stuff or what is there to fight for? I hope to see you all in chat soon, it’s so good to share this all with people who understand. Take good care, MS
HI EVERYONE!!!
MS – you and I are the same age, in the same boat. I keep telling myself, “OK, I’ve wasted a year on this hell of the OW, infidelity, snooping around, crying, roller coaster emotions, etc. Now I feel the ball is in my H’s court. I too, keep thinking, unless there is a major turnaround, I am heading for the big D. I DON’T want a divorce anymore than you, I never envisioned that for my life whatsoever, but, I can’t go on like this much longer either. I think I am still young, and could still meet a wonderful man and have a “life” ahead of me. I am not giving up just yet, but I can tell my patience is wearing very thin at this point!
Jesse – I couldn’t agree more with your comment that as painful as this infidelity stuff is (and I don’t wish it upon anyone) I have to say, it brings out an inner strength that I never knew existed down deep inside of me. I am actually becoming impressed with myself! Ha! As many tears as I have cried, and as much anger and pain as I’ve endured, some inner strength has made me a more confident, head strong woman. I KNOW what my morals are, and I have goals. I know what I expect now out of life. So, the old saying,”what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” really holds water!
Sue – the book just basically mentioned that if your spouse was CAUGHT in the affair, it most likely won’t end abruptly. The affair has to die it’s own natural death. So, basically there is a big difference if they confess or if they are discovered. And, my H was discovered by me both times. And yes, the book absolutely says it has to END ASAP.
Marlene – must be something about Labor Day Weekend! Ha! that was the turning point for us too :)
To all. Love your notes. I agree with being thankful for feeling stronger…..just feel a bit bitter on occasion.
Today I was talking with my h on the phone and found myself feeling very annoyed. Nothing was being said or done that would have caused it. All of a sudden I started to cry and realized I am close to being done living like this. Now, I know I have felt this way and said it many times, but this was different….it was not pre-meditated…..it just was.
I think I scared him….I know I scared myself. We are having dinner tonight. I don’t know what will happen. I really don’t want to move on when he is making so much emotional progress…and towards us/away from the affair. But I am getting more and more numb. Being involved with him while he is living with her is beyond by comprehension now. I think I am moving toward my strength to be alone. I think I have too before the scars are too large. We’ll see. I hope I can hold our for my counseling appointment next Wednesday.
Won’t be in the chat room tonight…unless it’s later…..as he will be here. Of course, it probably would do him some good to go to the chat room. He is someone that just might. Well…….maybe not. My space! Have a good night (or day for those of you in other time zones!)
Okay so…….My H comes home from work today and says he talked to a friend of his, who is a woman, I know her, and she is a friend of the OP. Anyway, he says he talked to this person, I’ll call her Amy(not her real name). Amy knows about my H and the OP of course and she and her H have been the only two people that my H told about the affair. He went to this girls H for the name of a lawyer months ago. This guys first wife cheated on him and they divorced, but didn’t try to judge my H, just gave him the info he requested and said just be there for you kids. Anyhooo, after this last retreat and ending at the beginning of Jan, the OP goes to this Amy and tells her he ended it, I called her nutso etc… and that the only two good things at work were Amy, and my H so now she doesn’t have him and she is leaving the company!!!! Holy cow! Jump for joy! So my H tells me this and a few other things about the conversation. He said that Amy just wanted to know how he was doing and that I must be relieved that this is finally done and my H says he’s doing fine, stressed, but ok and that I am relieved. So my question to you all is “Why does this bother me and why do I feel uneasy and distressed by this?” Is it because I feel like people are talking behind my back? Am I just paranoid? Maybe it’s because I am so embarrassed that these people know and they don’t really KNOW me so how does all this reflect on me? I feel like some kind of reject who couldn’t keep her man happy so he had to look elsewhere for happiness. I know it’s not my fault, and he’s the one who cheated and I didn’t DO anything to make him have an affair, I’ve written these things myself to other people in support. It’s just it all sounds so good on paper, but living it and believing it is another story.
I just can’t figure out why I am not happy now that it’s finally over and she’s actually leaving his work? I don’t know if I am still in fear mode. Fear that history will repeat itself again or fear of letting myself be happy so I won’t get hurt again? This is silly, but I love country music and today I was watching a video by Brad Paisley. The song is called “She’s Everything” I think and the lyrics are “She’s everything I ever wanted, everything to me, when I talk about her I could go on and on and on. She’s everything to me.” Something like that, and I just sat there and cried because if he was listening to this, I don’t think it would be me that he was thinking of. It made me so sad. I just don’t feel it. It’s not that he isn’t affectionate and loving to me. He is. It’s not that he doesn’t want to have sex with me, he does. It’s not that he doesn’t tell me he loves me or says nice things to me, or compliments me, he does. He leaves me a note every morning now, about loving me and thinking of me, etc. It’s this overwhelming feeling, that I am not the one he is thinking about during his day or when he hears a love song on the radio, I am not the one he is wishing he was coming home to or the last one he wants to see at night and the first person he wants to see in the morning. It’s like I know he is mending a broken heart, mourning the loss of this person. And I want to know why? Why, if you love me as much as you say you do and want to stay married to me, then why mourn? Why the sadness and far off looks of remembering something? Why isn’t this love enough? My love. Why am I not convinced that I am not settling for something less than everything? I don’t want to settle and I certainly don’t want to be some consolation prize because my husband wasn’t strong enough to divorce me because of how things would change and what people would think. Does anyone else feel like this? I need more than one session a week in therapy, I’ll tell ya. Enough poor me, hope all is well with you guys. Don’t think I’ll be at chat tonight, Grey’s Anatomy is on. McDreamy, yum, yum, even though he was technically a cheater! He’s easy to forgive. LOL! Cya, MS
Hang in there Sue.. don’t make any major decisions when your emotions are running high. With my therapist we are working on developing a life for my D and I that will work with or without him. I am also unsure if I want to stay or go and throw my heart out into the universe on the chance of meeting someone else. All I do know is that I have had enough of this limbo so if I start creating my own happiness doing things I want to do then if I decide to leave it will be a gentle weaning myself away from him and I will already have my new life in place. I have stopped snooping into his things, told him that I wasn’t going to do that anymore and it will be on his consceince if he is doing the wrong thing by me. Feel good about that. Going to tell him today that I am going to move on with my life so don’t expect me to be moping about waiting for him to come out of his gloom. I am happy for him to be part of my life but don’t be surprised if I have moved on if it takes him forever to stop wollowing in self pity!!! I don’t want to get to the end of my life and regret that I spent too much of it waiting for him to get real.
MS your story sounds so much like mine, I wonder if the man I married is able to return or if the OP changed his values so much that they are no longer in line with mine. Must talk to him on that one.
What is the title and who is the author of the book you mentioned Anonymous.
Don’t know if I will make it into the chat room over the next few days, in a different time zone to most of you and have a busy weekend.
Thanks for your notes and encouragement. Love to all, keep strong and remember this year is all about you.
Sue, I gotta say, I don’t think I could hold it together in your shoes. Maybe a little distance between you and you H would do you and him some good. Maybe you are making it too easy for him to have the best of both worlds. You don’t have to go to the extent of divorce, maybe if you tell him it’s hurting you too much to spend time as a psuedo couple. You either want the real thing or don’t expect anything more from me than “friendliness”. Maybe he needs to miss YOU a little more. My husband said something last night about when he thought of leaving and would come to tell me he was leaving me, he just couldn’t do it, because he couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing me every day and seeing the kids every day. I said sometimes I wish you would have left and maybe you would appreciate me, us, more. Maybe you would have realized that you couldn’t live without me. And if, on the other hand, you realized you were happier on your own with whomever, then we weren’t meant to be and we wouldn’t be happy ever anyway. It just sounds like the stress is getting to you and you can’t be strong indefinately. You are only human after all. Maybe taking a “break” from the stress of him would do you some good. Now I’m not saying you don’t have to have ANY contact with him, I mean you are going to counseling right? But maybe the nights he comes for dinner and what not, you should make and excuse and do something for yourself. Just tell him, if he can’t cut it off then you need some down time from all of this.
this may sound kinds stupid, but is he lying to her when he comes to see you? I mean does she know he is coming to spend time with you and not just your kids? Kinda like he is having an affair with you and you are the OP now? I see a little role reversal here, and maybe this will work in your favor, since he is living with her and the stresses of everyday life will end the fantasy. Not all wine and roses when the laundry is piled high, the bills need to be paid and dinner isn’t a cozy little restaurant on the other side of town. Anyway, maybe I am totally wrong here and please forgive me if I offended you, I don’t mean to. I just hate to see you hurting.
Also, I can’t believe that your counselor is not telling him to break it off clean and come home? All the books I have read and my counselor, say the affair has to be OVER to start any kind of healing in the marriage. Even with my husband “ending” it, we are still dealing with the aftermath of his feelings about ending it and he never even left. We have a LONG way to go to recovery. What is he waiting for with her? Why can’t he leave? What is holding him there? I am sure you have asked him all those questions. Not sure what he answered, but if you are starting to break down from the stress of the situation, then you won’t be good for yourself, your kids or him. I am worried about you. Please keep me posted on how you are doing. MS
Hi all – to MS – yeah, watch out for that helper stuff – my husband’s OP had a lot of problems many of which he told me about – and she had much less education and independence than I do and I think she hero-worshipped him – here is one of my thoughts re why it’s hard for them to get “by” it – if they do really feel that they are over the feelings for the OP, then what does that mean about what kind of people they are? see what I mean? it’s better for them to think that they really loved the OP and that they feel bad about hurting both of us – otherwise they are just pr___s who were having a fling and playing around – they can regret what they did but still miss the affair because of how it made them feel about themselves – when you come right down to it, it’s all about how they feel about themselves isn’t it? I think the breakthrough comes when they really start figuring out how WE feel and can empathize – then maybe it becomes more of a feeling that, yeah, I really loved that person especially for how she made me feel about myself but we can’t and shouldn’t always act on our feelings and impulses – and if I really love my spouse, then maybe there is some way that I can feel good about myself in my marriage
Best to you all!!
Sue I was thinking along the same lines as MS… maybe you are the OP’S OP now and your H is having the affair with you!!
Hey, ladies and gents, some of us have moved to the #4 Quickie blog. Then we don’t have to scroll so far down to read and post. Cya later, MS
Morning Guys. I’m trying to find a KeyLogger Software .. Anyone have any ideas of website or where I can get this?
had recently herpes virus found in my blood. what I haveto do??? I’m in panic…