Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.
In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.
I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.
The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.
Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:
It feels like it will never be over. Not until HE acknowledges what he did and is able to accept my forgiveness and show that he has changed the way he lives his live. I honestly want to have cordial relationship with him, but because he cannot “own” what he has done he continues to act like a jerk toward me when there is no reason for it. I don’t trust myself to pick another partner. I don’t want to put anymore energy into developing a new relationship with another man. It is hard to keep my relationships with my in-laws, though we are very fond of each other and they have been very supportive of me.
Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:
- Shift focus from him and what he is not doing to declaring your own standards for a relationship.
- Learn to value your internal signals in relationships as having validity.
Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:
- This tension seems to drag on and on. I want to see an end. I need some hope.
- I want us to create a cordial relationship. I would want you to have that wish also.
- There are some standards I have for a relationship. I need to work on those ?” to let you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that.
- I struggle with reading the signals from you (or other men). I doubt myself. I wonder if I can ever have a relationship where I feel peace.
What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.
OK everyone. This is where many of us are at. We can respond to this and get help. I am currently (after being at many different stages) at the stage where I am so totally torn. I have been more then ready to move on and began to do so. He has come back in a way he has never done before. No begging…….just honesty. I am still committed to moving on as I do not know how real this is, but if it is as real as it feels what do I do? Do I wait longer (it is still a relatively short 3 months…….but feels like an eternity) or do I say we are done?
My gut is to wait it out for a month (which every time I’ve said that it’s taken 2 days) and see how I feel. But it is the same old question of what to do. I think it is to be true to myself. I need to continue to take care of me…..which has been very enlightening and good so far…….and to see what happens.
But even so, it is so complicated and confusing. I love my husband for what we have together (I know that is so totally weird under the circumstances). But it is not for what was (or at least not totally). It is for what is. He knows that too. But his affair has become so entrenched that I don’t know if he has the strength to pull out of it. And, more importantly, if I have the patience to let him do/decide to do it.
I know I’ll be OK in the end, but I believe my end with him would be great. Without……..I don’t know what that means. Always so hard. Anyone have have insight?
Sue, my husband is “back” also, actually he never really left physically except for few days on and off to “think”. When I first found out about the affair, he told me it was one time blah, blah, blah. I said I wanted a divorce, he begged me to reconsider etc. Then he called her and told her he would no longer be “friends” with her and that I knew about what happened etc…. Well then here is where all the LIES begin. First, it wasn’t one time, 8mos to be exact and then he went back and forth after he told me it was over all summer long. Finally at the end of the summer and many, many horrible betrayals and lies later, he ended it and has been really trying. Now, I am the one who doesn’t know what I want. I do love him and want my marriage. I am at the point now that I just don’t know if I will ever be able to trust him again and get over this. In the beginning when I first found out and if it would have been only once and not all the back and forth stuff, then I could’ve gotten past this. But all the lies and unkind words and betrayals (you don’t want to know what I have been through) have left me searching for answers that I didn’t give myself time to answer when I was in the middle of it all. I was so focused on wanting him to stay that I didn’t search for what I needed or what I was going to do if he did stay. I knew why I wanted him to stay: I loved him, I loved our life, our kids, and I wanted to keep our family intact. I wanted to believe that we were meant to be together. Now, I see him in such a different light than I did before all this. I lost respect for him. I don’t trust him and I have flashbacks daily of all the horrible scenes that went on. I know this is probably normal, but I am now finding myself looking at my rights in divorce and how I could make it on my own, and do I really want HIM or do I want to move on. I really don’t know if our life will be healed.
He has really been trying. I can’t ask for more. He gives me his phone, bills, credit card statements, etc. He has a different attitude at home with me and the kids. Yet, somehow it’s not enough. I am left wanting more. I don’t know if I can do this and for how long. I’m sure he’ll get sick of being accused and under scrutiny all the time too.
Maybe it’s the stress of the holidays, maybe it’s that he still works where the OP does. Maybe it’s that I think he is just better at hiding things now. I don’t know, but I just can’t shake this gut feeling that I am being duped again. Do I trust my gut and keep searching or do I let it go and just love him and take my chances on being devastated again. I truely don’t think I could take one more betrayal or lie. We are out of chances in that department. He knows this. I am really at a loss. I guess time will tell. Happy Holidays to everyone out there. MS
Dear Ms,
I am now about 18 months after I found out about my husband’s affair. Everything you said was just how I felt. My husband said he wanted to stay with me and that his affair was over. It wasn’t. In my mind I kept giving him chances, I thought (3 strikes and your out). But all through that time, I saw a therapist, by myself, and slowly gained my confidence back. The ‘3rd’ time I actually knew for certain his affair had not ended I confronted him. I told him calmly what I knew and what I wanted and asked him what was he going to do about it. I felt like I had done all I could and it was up to him. I wasn’t going to be treated like that anymore. My conditions I thought were reasonable, I wanted him to stop his affair, stop overnight stays ‘near his work’ and come to couselling. These were my ‘truths’ and because I was calm almost serene my husband knew I meant it. He dedided to leave and move in with the affair partner. this was extremely hurtful but I am no longer being deceived, lied to, disrespected or used. I can live alone with dignity, and without compromise. If your husband has ended the affair, and you know it, then all I can say is that you are lucky and have a chance to build a new and better relationsip. We all have to ask ouselves whether we can truly overcome the affair and stay in a loving committed relationsip, or whether we just can’t forget, we can’t trust anymore. These are the questions to ask honestly and not be afraid of the answers. When we look inside and ask what we want the answers will come if we let them. God will give us the strength to survive. God bless you. Michelle
It really doesn’t end. Sometimes something just dies in you, never to be recaptured. But you have to make a rational, unemotional decision whether at this point in your life it is better to stay or leave. Even if the infidelity is over there is a certain trust that can’t be regained. And in times of stress all the hurt comes back. I quashed the relationship between his chinese “friend” who he was just “mentoring”===When I first found out about it the excuse was”What’s the big deal. I have dinner with her once a year” (on an annual business trip). Once a year was daily phone calls via internet, three day trade shows that had to take 8 to 10 days because he needed time to rest, begging her to meet him in other asian cities where he went on business. When it came out in the open,it was just that “she was co comfortable to talk to.” Then on to gifts of gold jewelry. I saw emails where they couldn’t wait to see eachother. How she made hime the happiest he had ever been. The affair was not sexual I do believe, but the emotional intesity and the abuse that I took never knowing why he was so hostile and angry at me for no reason, shutting me out completely from any closeness or intimacy (unless he neede sex) was worse than some one night stand with sex. I arranged it that they have no contact, But the betrayal can never be healed. You have to learn to live with it and in time you think of it less often. But it never goes away.
Happy holidays everyone!
I have been through the same…lies, cheating, broken promises, more lies, more cheating…blah, blah, blah. It NEVER ends. And if it ends this time…there WILL be another! Preserve your dignity and LET HIM GO! Women spend too much energy on lying, cheating, abusive, men. Let’s empower ourselves…
Thanks for the comments. Always so helpful.
Since I wrote the other day I have come to a new place (again). I have asked for a commitment for New Year’s Eve and Christmas Eve…..a dual package (We are already spending the 23rd…his birthday…Christmas…with his family and the day after, together).
I am clear that if he can not do so……after the many choices otherwise…..then I am done. If he can, then there is a very short (maybe 2 week) leash for letting her go. He is in turmoil and seeing a therapist for himself tomorrow for the first time. He understands my commitment to this decision and why. I really don’t feel like we are playing games. Games get played without trying.
I am on edge for tomorrow. As is he. I think he is right to try to talk to someone else……even if it is only the first time for an hour…….before giving me an answer. I know this sounds lame, but given our conversations it does make some sense.
If he says ‘yes’ there is hell for him to pay on the other side which leads to the ultimate that I am asking….or else. If he says ‘no’ it is all done and we search for a way to deal with the kids in a healthy way without being together.
All while grieving. I told him tonight very clearly that I deserve better. I truly believe that ‘better’ is with him and working this out. However, if he decides otherwise than the same is true…I deserve better. He agrees.
Friends and this blog told me I would know when I was ‘there’. I am ‘there’. Will keep you updated as I believe our feelings change with every movement and every blow. I really believe I must be selfish now. If he recognizes what we have and chooses the OP then that is a statement I can not live with anymore. Before, when he was in a crazy fog I had a harder time ‘breaking away’. I still gained strength for me, but still had a hard time envisioning making a decision (despite what I said in bravado) to end ‘us’. Right now I feel I could move on either path with strength.
If he chooses the OP I have no idea how I’ll get up in the morning and deal with the kids, his family and the holidays. But I know I will….somehow.
Godspeed. To all of you, but I am selfishly hoping it for me right now.
Well, it’s not great yet. It’s funny how I remebered the dates. Tomorrow will be the one year mark of the start of the affair(they’re first lunch date) January 13th is the date I found out and January 28th is the day it ended. Almost a year.
I kicked him out the morning after i found out. At the urging of our therapist he moved back in. My only regret was that it was not long enough. I would have liked for him to really win me back. On the other hand he has been doing everything he can to have a better marriage.I put some pretty hard demands on him i.e. selling his car, going to counceling, writing out the whole affair,being totally transparient, trying to regain my trust and taking those ah so emtional hits. There’s a part of me that feels that’s just not enough. I’m not sure if he can ever do “enough”. That’s what I wrestle with. Do I settle for not enough? Or do I let him go and risk losing something great if I wait? So I’m waiting.
In the mean time I try focusing on what I want and how I want to live my life. I’m on the edge of something great and freeing. I take care of myself and my children the best I can. I’m building a life that will hold me up if he falls and I wait.
I have been through so much agony over the past 35 years, and this has helped me so much, knowing that I’m not alone. There were instances of kissing another woman in our own home, having flings, one night stands, and a full blown affair. I too heard the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” statements. Each instance was like being socked in the face–standing there in shock–and having him say, “I’m sorry. I will never do that again.” I would start to feel comfortable, then I would get “socked in the face” again. This happened 4 times over the years. I found myself unable to trust—it seemed I was always waiting for the next “sock in the face.” I was unable to face all of it and I just internalized all of it. Recently,with the help of Dr.Huizenga, it has all come out and I am finally who I want to be as a person. I realized that since my father was killed in a wreck when I was 7, that every time my husband came home at 1:00 a.m.–I was just happy that he came home. I know that since one day my father left and never returned, this was something that affected my entire life. My husband was the second of 9 children. He was quickly pushed aside for the next baby–never getting the love and nurturing that he needed as a child. We were both going blindly along, not knowing what was wrong with us. Now we know. We are finally “in love” in our mid 50’s. A song or a comment can bring bad memories flooding back and it is not easy. I have never experienced such pain in my life. I hid everything from family and friends and never talked to anyone about his cheating–I held all of it inside–festering like a cancer. I yearn for the lost years and I still grieve for the lose of trust–something that I am still working on today. My advice is, don’t hold on to the pain. Ask the questions that you need answers to. Just this year I asked questions about an affair that happened in 1988–things I was afraid to ask back then. Healing is a very long and complicated process. He says I was opening up old wounds–I said–I have old wounds that were never healed and I am asking you to put some healing salve on it. Good luck to all of you. You are in my prayers.
I feel the same way that most of you do in that I feel like I will never know if IT is over or not. Perhaps the difference is that my wife cheated on me not the other way around. Please believe me when I tell you that guys can feel the pain just as much. She tells me that the affair wasn’t as “much” as I think that it was and that she didn’t “sleep” with him. However, the fact that I caught her staying at his house just one time (I suspect that it was going on for several months and there were one or two other occasions where she “stayed at her mothers”) was too much. She says that she is no longer seeing him but I see his phone number on her cell phone (I know I probably shouldn’t be looking right?). I guess that I don’t have a choice but to believe her. I know that the right thing to do is to stop spying – I want so desparately to get her back. The problem is that she says that she feels nothing for me. One thing that I know that I won’t do is beg etc. I just hope that I have the perseverance – she has cut me off physically and I am grabbing for straws here for motivation to stay. I have emotional and physical needs and now none of them are being met. Believe me when I say that I am more than willing to come to the plate and be held accountable for what I have done (lack of intimacy etc.). Every nerve in my body tells me that her wall is so far up, and her expectations of me and how much I need to change are so high that I will never measure up. Help me hang on.
Hi,
It is so inspiring to read eveyone’s post who has been the “betrayed” party. My husband had an affair and i discovered it on May 16th. I filed for divorce immediately he ended up moving back home and I decided to give him another chance and we both went into counseling. All the while, I thought his affair had ended and that we were under a “complete honesty” agreement. It was the most painful experience I have ever been through. All summer long I still had doubts and thought he was lying. He would turn it around and make me feel “crazy”. Finally, after weeks of wondering, I checked his cell phone bill on-line and discovered his affair had never ended. He was still seeing her. I filed for divorce once again. After a week, he came begging to me that he was a “changed man” and “let me prove to you and show you it is over, etc”. We are currently in that stage and it has been 3 months. I also, have feelings of immense pain, I envision them together having sex, I still have zero trust and he is very frustrated. I am at a “crossroads” and feel like I need to make a decision. I am in counseling for MYSELF and I highly recommend this. It does help to show you that all your feelings are totally valid and it has helped me to discover who I am and what I want out of life. A part of me feels I will never allow myself to open up to my husband again after such betrayal. You always think you will be “duped” by him again.
I would never wish this pain among anyone, but I also think the old saying, “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger” does have some merit to it.
Well. I see there’s a pattern in our husband’s/wives attitudes! Seeing it from this perspective, I could say I feel somehow relieved that I’m not alone in this situation. Well, I’ve been married for 20 years. Last year on November I found out for the second time my husband was cheating. When I knew, I just did’n feel as for fighting with him, I saw an opportunity to change our lives… I was so mistaken! My husband confessed that he had been cheating for all our married life, and that he didn’t love me anymore. All this year I have been trying to convince him that he is wrong, but, he doesn’t see it like that. Well, I’m “there” too. I’m sick of the lies, betrayals, etc. and 2 weeks ago I told him that I couldn’t force him to love me, that I needed him to go away so I could forget him too, and that I wish him the best. Well, by this time he hasn’t called me, which doesn’t disturbe me at all. I feel secure, take care of myself, I became a Christian and I am having a new and refreshing life. I really didn’t need this crap, although I love my husband (the husband I would like him to be), and I pray for him everyday. God doesn’t like divorce, and he loves all his children, even the sinners. So, I dont worry anymore, I know God is taking care of this situation and in the meantime I am recovering my old self, getting phisically and spiriitually healthy, and helping other women in the same situation. So, please leave this thing to God, there is nothing imposible for Him if we really believe, and have the best Xmas you can, knowing that our Father is taking care of us. Happy Holidays!!!
Michelle, most of me believes the affair to be over, but there is this small suspicious part of me that is trying to protect myself from being hurt again that still wonders. I was wondering if you would tell me how you found out that the affair wasn’t over the last time. Was it your gut instinct that told you and you found some evidence or did he do or say something that gave you your proof? My husband hasn’t done anything to make me believe that he is still seeing her, yet there is always that doubt in my mind. He has actually been very upfront and “transparent”. He says he loves me and treats me like he does. No harsh words anymore, no anger, no impatience. Actually, he has been very loving and affectionate and is making grand gestures with the holidays, planning trips for the spring, involved with the kids and family etc. I just don’t know why I have this nagging feeling of suspicion still. I guess there is a time when you have to decide to accept that it is over and move on. I feel like if I keep searching, not finding anything, I am the one who will ruin what’s left of my marriage. He will end up getting tired of the inquisitions and investigating and give up.
The last time I found out he had contact with her through email was in Sept and he emailed her in front of me stating that there would be no more contact, I was his priority, he loved me, wasn’t leaving and that the friendship they had was doing no one any good including her. She texted him the day after and used two words that I cannot write and he said there has been no contact since. After this, I was confused at my emotions. I thought I would be at peace, but all I keep thinking is they have found some other way to communicate and are hiding it better. He told me MANY times in the past few months that he wasn’t talking to her and he was. He told me he loved me throughout this whole ordeal, so when he tells me now and shows affection etc. I don’t know if it’s real or not, I guess. The only thing different is that he doesn’t guard his phone anymore and he doesn’t seem to have that anger and frustration that he used to. I am hoping that this is just a slow process for me and that I will one day be able to look at him the same way I did before. I wish you well and hope that whatever happens between you and your husband will in the end make you at peace and you will end up happy and with the better end of the deal! Take care, MS
Welcome to the world of confusion. It’s a hard thing for anyone man/woman to go through and I have been going through it for years without even knowing, how dumb was I. I found out Father’s Day this year it had been going for 2 years with the same woman and many others for a short little romp whenever I’m sure time permitted. The hurt of it all is so great but I have come a long way since all this was found out. I told him “buy me out and turn me loose, if you can’t do it get a loan or better yet get her to get a loan and the two of you can be partners for life in all this, maybe I should ask her the next time I see her since you can’t seem to get your lies straight”. I would not waste my time on her she is a battered woman both emotionally and probably sexually he seems to attract those types of women as they build his ego up and he is the star attraction, like he said he has a kind heart, where was that for me. I know what she is after and so does everyone else, she has been a used and abused person and this is probably the first time in her life that anyone treated her well so in her mind she is all for herself and what she wants. It will never last but I wish them both the best one liar to another and it will happen to her also he will never be happy because he is not happy with himself. It is not genuine with her and I think he is smart enough to see that but cannot get past her needyness of him, she is not a strong woman and he likes that always in control so to speak. She is much younger than me as I have seen them together and what a pair, she is a hard woman and it shows all the way around from her face to the way she dress’s. I find it hard to believe that this is what he is so excited about I would have thought he’d have had better taste myself. I think this is just something that so many men/women go through in thier lives as pathectic as it all is it happens to the best of us. We are raised to believe, trust, love and have faith in our partners married or not and when that is shattered the loss is worse than death because they are still walking around like the world is thier oyster without regets and if they have any, are they real? Hard to figure. I just know that I am still here and he has not left and the affair has taken a back seat for the moment, will it last, no it won’t because he is a weak man. I never thought that of him before but he is and that was a shocker for me but real. You are all right about the lies, betrayal, hurt, panic, trust, faith and everything you thought you had was gone in an instant when you found out. Hard to believe someone you have known for so many years had this in them and treated you so badly like it was, of course your fault. This was not my fault and I refuse to take the blame for someone else’s abuse of my love and trust in them, never to take responsibility for thier own actions is way beyond anything they can remotely grasp because they think they are doing nothing wrong. How sad is that!!!! Does not matter what kind of affair they are having they are having one and to make you feel like less of a person and abuse you is not healthy by anyones standards, they lost thiers. Any excuse will work for them but in the recess’s of thier minds they know what they have done and they don’t know how to fix what they broke even if they want to because they cannot be honest with themselves. Tough to see that side of a person you thought you knew as well as yourself, to see the selfishness and the cruelty they can dish out at any given moment is still a wonderment to me, how they do change to justify thier actions. I will press on with my life and have a better one becuase I am a good person with allot of feeling and love to share someday with someone if I meet someone so be it and if not that’s OK also but I will always be my own person. We will all get through this and it takes lots of time to rebuild a life and for you that can get back together I wish you all the best and hope your dreams come true for you and your partner. It’s not an easy road for any of us that have had this hurt in our lives to trust someone that has betrayed us is a difficult path to take because to give more of ourselves what will be the out come for us, not them, but us. We deserve a better life than one of lies and deciet. We become stronger in different ways and some good and some not so good but we are more aware of things than before and that is a good thing the hard part for me is learning to trust anyone now.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year
Dave, affairs have no social, racial or cultural boundaries. Everyone is vulnerable. Man, woman, rich, poor, christian or not, any race etc. there is no “safe” area. I am sorry to hear that your wife hurt you and betrayed you, as I am sorry to hear about everyone’s betrayals. My concern for you is that, I think you are taking blame for her affair. The one thing I have learned is that the cheater made a choice to cheat. There were other options, leave the marriage, go to counseling, etc. and that affairs are not EVER an option to consider and that the offended partner, who had no say in this choice, is not to blame for the affair. I am sure you all would agree that the marriages we are in were not perfect. But it takes two to tango as they say. My point is that even if you “lacked intimacy” etc. your wife had better choices than betrayal, deceit and lies. As did my husband and everyone elses partners.
As for spying, Dr. Bob has an article about when to spy etc. I feel like if you are being lied to and betrayed then you should know about it and the cheater isn’t going to offer the information so they can get caught, so what choice do you have? I felt totally justified in searching and spying on my partner. First he was endangering my life by having unprotected sex with some tramp and spending our money on her, and using the time that he could have devoted to his children and wife to some little twit. You have a right to know what she is doing with her time, her money and her body. You are her husband and she signed on for better and for worse so you are entitled to the truth. There is no such thing as “privacy” in a healthy marriage. If there are off limit things, like cell phone, bills, emails, chat rooms, “friends” etc. then there is cheating going on. If there is nothing to hide then all should be out in the open.
My advice to you and I’m not sure if you are asking for it or not, is to let her go. Calmly give her the option to leave. Tell her good luck, best wishes, etc. Live your own life or act like it anyway. Show her you are moving on. No dramatics, tears, begging, showering with affection. Do not be available for her when she calls. Let her wonder what you are doing. Be cordial and caring but not needy. I can assure you she will take notice. Once she sees that you are not waiting for her to see the light, she will come crawling back. Then you’ll need to decide whether you want her back or not. My question to you is, Do you want her back? I am at that point now. Do I want this person who betrayed me and lied to me and deceived me over and over? I love my husband but I am at the point of no return with our marriage. Anymore lies etc., we are done.
Once I did the above things that I mentioned to you, my husband stood up and took notice of what he was losing. The “rock” in his life. His stability, the mother of his children. The person who he depended on for more than he realized. I showed him I was moving on and told him to please just go. Calmly, quietly, no drama. He waiverd for months between the OP and me. He left for short periods of time and stayed for the kids in the beginning, but when I reached my limit, and you will know when that is, I told him calmly that I would no longer be abused like this, I deserved better and to take his lies elsewhere. I was moving on without him. This was no act though. To do this, you need to be prepared that they may choose the other side. You need to be to the point that if they do so, you will be alright and you need to beleive that you will survive and move on without them. You cannot pretend. They need to know you are serious, not trying to use some reverse psychology on them.
See a counselor, see a lawyer, arm yourself with knowledge and get strong. Take care of yourself, get fit, confide in friends. Make yourself desirable. At the very least, if your marriage doesn’t work you will feel good about yourself. Don’t let this break you. You, me, all of us, did not deserve this, no matter how crappy of a spouse we think we were. Take care and look to the future for yourself and know you can make it. MS
Ladies & gentlemen, you all are not alone. My wife moved out 3 months ago. Said she was tired of being married. We have 5 children between us. I have 3 & she has 2. I have custody of mine. They of course live with me. Her mother takes care of hers. Nothing like a mother-in-law helping to contribute to her daughters delinquency. Anyway she moved in with her aunt said she needed some space. The last thing she needed was space. Crack the door & watch the devil go to work. It is funny how we offended spouses can see the writing on the wall. Of course she cannot. Sure enough the devil is having a hay day. Her sister let it slip, (albeit on purpose I believe) that her sister had a friend. I would have not found this out if my wife hadnt told me about some other ladies calling her sister & asking questions. When I found out who it was I was in shock. the guy is nothing but a piece of crap. a convicted felon who has a severe alcohol problem. She had to find someone she could be superior to. Sound familiar? Of course my wife denies it is anything, but talk. Her sister only spoke up because she just went through the same thing. So she knows the pain. We are not that close, but do have a lot of respect for one-another. She knows her sister is wrong & doesnt like what she is seeing. In my eyes it is wrong whether they are “sleeping” together or not. How are we to be “one” when there are others? This is not the first time there has been a “friend”. She said she wanted a divorce after a month & a half of being away. Her it is a month & a half later & no divorce papers. $500 is not that hard to come up with if your so desperatly want out. so I called her bluff. I offered to pay her attorney & we could get this over with now. She refused. All of a sudden we (in her eyes) can get along. Many times that has been her excuse for leaving, that “we just cant get along”. Sound familiar to anyone. Its all a bunch of hogwash. Ive been the best husband I can be, (albeit not perfect). We all make mistakes. Just not the kind that they make. We want revenge, but that is only temporary satisfaction. Causes wars. Be nice & agree to whatever they say. If they want out, help them out. odds are they will wake up & smell the coffee. In reality they have everything to lose. they are already gone, emotionally, so what have we got to lose? They can only take from us what we let them. I think I will keep my dignity, thank you very much. God says that something good will come out of our pain. That He has an answer to our problems if we wait on Him. Be patient & keep your head up. This is a temporary pain, with a happy ending. If she cant ask God to fix her, then there is no way I can help her. Affairs are about as bad as things get. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. SHE HAS THE PROBLEM. SHE HAS TO FIX IT. Ther will come a day of regret for all who commit this terrible act of sin. Let God do the punishing. I promise He will do more than we ever could to get the guilty ones attention.
Hello Everyone,
This is a very hard time for me. I must recap the events that have lead up to my present situation. My wife and I have been married for 21 wonderful years. We have always had a very good relationship. When my wife turned 40 a year and a half ago she started to change she had always been a loving mother of our 3 children and an awsome wife. She started going through some changes that were awsome. I enjoyed these change very much. then about 6 months after her 40th birthday. she started to be attracted to a dilivery man that she works with. At first it was just a friendship, but she felt that she needed to go past that to a more romantic affair. All of this time I did not know or suspect anything until she broke away from me ay a local event that we both enjoy very much. When I questioned her about this action she told me that her and I have been together for a long time and that she wanted to have a no strings attached relationship with me and maybe find herself. She did not talk to me about what she wanted, and became very distant in the next week. I tried to talk to her many times in that week, but she would just clam up and get upset. By friday I had figured out that there was someone else. She wanted to go and meet him for the day be with him. She did not return that night(that hurt).She called me on Sunday eveing and said that she missed me and wanted to come home. She told me that she did not know what she wanted to do just yet and she did not know if she loved me anymore. After another week of major turmoil she agreed that this was a stupid thing and she needed to be at home for our 1 child that we have left at home. we have 3 very wonderful boys together one is 23 and living on his own with his girlfriend, One is 18 and going to school about 1300 miles from home, And our youngest is 15 and living at home. I never stoped suspecting her about what she was doing. I know that she did break it off with him for a time, but I was an emotional wreck I almost could not handle it. I made myself crawl out of the hole I was in and tried to look at things like they were going to work out. Then it happened. She was suposed to go to a workshop, but did not go. She admited to seeing him again, and she still was not sure what she wanted to do. Now keep in mind that the other man is going through a nasty divorice while all of this has been going on. Now it is Christmas time and he has had to move out of his house and move to his sisters empty house that is closer to her. He has offered her to move in with him. We are supposed to have Christmas with our family then she wants to tell the kids that she is going to move out and start a new life at the begining of the year. Through all of this I have LOVED my wife unconditionaly. There are so many things that I have left out because they hurt alot. I still love my wife very much, but she feels that she needs to do this to see if this is really what she wants to do. We have agreed to remain friends through this to help our kids cope with it all. I have come to a time in my life that I never thought I would be at. I have tried all of the information that there is to offer, but nothing seems to help. I’m just kind of lost right now and don’t know which way to go.If you have any comments they would be more than welcome.
Dear ms,
I just had a gut feeling, and I found out through an email. Without explaining too much, I had to access his work emails to get access to the internet. I saw an email about his work phone account and I opened it and saw all these phone calls to her, I needed no explaination. I called a very close friend, and told her what had been happening and what I wanted to do. She gave me the strength and courage to confront him and to not be abused like that anymore. I agree with the others, we shouldn’t let people treat us that way but we have to come to that point ourselves. Your situation sounds a lot more positive than mine, I know what you mean about ruining your relationship by your suspicious actions, I felt the same. Do not feel guiltly because of how you feel, remember he put you in this situation in the first place it is not your fault he had an affair and certaninly not your fault you feel suspicious and not quite right, that is a perfectly normal reaction! I suppose you have to first of all trust yourself, trust what you are feeling, when he says things and thoughts pop into your head like,’you don’t mean that’, or ‘thats just a smoke screen’ then from my experience those thoughts are probably right. I hope he has ended the relationship, but if he has continued to lie to you by saying he is not talking to her but you know he has then that is not right. You have every right to expect him to cease all contact with her, you will not feel safe otherwise. When I made my final confrontation with my husband and said his behaviour was unacceptable to me I asked him what he was going to do about it? We talked about things but I kept on coming back to that one question, “what are you going to do about it?” he was not prepared to give her up, and I realised that, I had to go into the confrontation knowing that whatever the outcome was I was prepared for that. If he was not going to accept my conditions, then I was fine with that, I was extremely hurt and upset, but I knew I couldn’t put up with his behaviour any longer. I derserve better, and so do you. We all deserve to be treated with respect and if others won’t give it to us then we have to give it to ouselves.
Trust your gut instinct, and don’t beat yourself up about being suspicious. God made us intuitive for a reason, don’t ignore it.
Good luck and God Bless
I agree with your comments about listening to your gut. I think your gut is almost always right. However, if they are cheating, and lying, then they are not going to tell the truth. So, bite your tongue and do not ask questions. It only leads to arguments and undermines the progress you’ve made (I know this is a lot easier said than done). However, don’t be naive. Check things out behind the scenes. Look at the e-mails, the cell phone bills, etc. and keep your eyes and ears open. Write your suspicions down in a private journal that you can go back and check out later (ie. he says he’s at work in one city, but the cell phone bill says the call was made from another city). And when you check and find nothing, your trust will start to build. And if you check and find something, then you’ll know. There are devices you can connect to your computer and keyboard that captures key strokes so that you can find out if there are secret e-mail accounts. But don’t obsess about looking. Don’t be consumed by it. If they are cheating, they will get caught (especially if they think you trust them and aren’t checking up on them). They will get careless. If they aren’t cheating, then slowly your gut will quiet. Good luck to all and enjoy your holidays!
Nick, I truely believe that mid-life crises play a huge part in affairs. My husband was feeling a loss of youth also and was having a hard time coping with the responsibilities of childrearing and loss of freedom associated with those demands. My children are much younger than yours so we are still tied down to the house alot. No spur of the moment trips or outings. Everything has to be planned around babysitters. The OP was a “friend” from work, single, available and “fun”. She likes to drink and party and has no responsibilities except to herself. She showered him with attention and was always available at the spur of the moment for him. I of course, was home with my two little ones. No fun for him. Too tired to be fun really. We both changed after the kids came. I grew into a new role as a mom, but he didn’t grow with me. He wanted to stay this free-bird type of guy. We have been married for 11.5 yrs and dated for 5 before that. He says he lost himself for awhile and now he has found himself again. I am wondering if the empty nest thing is affecting your wife’s decisions right now. She is still so young. But 40 is a hard age for women especially. Keep being the stable thing in her life. Show her you can live without her but would rather have her with you. Don’t let her bring you down with her though. If there’s one thing I have learned through all of this is that we have absolutely no control over what they do. We can only control what we do in response to their actions. Give her space. Let her see what it’s like without you being there all the time. If it’s meant to be she’ll come home. If not, you’ll be free to find love with someone who respects and loves you and deserves your love. Some days I don’t know why I want this man anymore after what he did to me. Some days I can’t live without him and some days I could leave and never look back. The first step for you is that she ends the affair. If she doesn’t do this, as with all of us, there is no use even trying. The holidays are such a hard time to be going through all this. Everyone else seems so happy and inside we are dying. Confide in whomever you can to support you through this. Hold on tight. From your story you sound like you’re in for a rollercoaster ride. I just got off from an 8 mos one in September so I know what you are going thru. Take care of yourself, I wish you well. MS
Hello Eveyone,
I was wondering if anyone has these similar thoughts: are they back with me becuase it didn’t “pan out” like they thought it would with the OP and are we really just a security net to fall back on? My husband told his affair partner that he loved her, but that he “never stopped loving me” through his affair (comforting isn’t it?) Anyway, he tries to rephrase this now that we are back together (I filed for divorce twice, he cheated twice and I am currently on the 3 strikes and you’re out program)by saying that, “I really didn’t love her, I just loved “being with her” or I loved “how she made me feel” etc. The million dollar question for me is, “then why would you want to be back with me, now that I am non-trusting (rightfully so!), angry, hurt and question your every cell phone call, whereabouts, etc. I feel like by taking him back I have sold myself short. I sold out my self-respect, my dignity and I lowered my standards. The worst part is I feel like I am just trying to keep my family intact for my CHILDREN and I feel imense guilt if I don’t give their father a chance. But what good is a marriage after such horrible lies, and betrayal, and not to mention they put your health at risk? Is anyone experiencing this agony? Thanks!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Where to begin??? I have known of my husband’s affair for a year in January 2007. He has moved in and out of the marriage over this year. There have been some horrendous issues to deal with, e.g. a pregnancy. Now, as of last night, I have been asked to be party to a Christmas/New Year holiday with other person and her young child in tow, (from previous relationship). He suggested to me that this would give us all the break we need from the pain we are ALL suffering (evidently in equal amounts!!!) We can all go together on a nice little holiday and get to know each other. I am 56, the girl in question is 27, the child, 4. The other woman is Asian. I have never met her, nor her me. She does know what I look like though through photos, I have no clues about her. Can anyone else see what is wrong with this scenario? I have not answered the request. I sat there politely and listened as he talked, wondering all the time inside my head, who is this man I have been married to for the past 30 years? Today I will probably be asked for an answer.
MS,
Thank you so much for your thoughts and concerns. I totally understand what you are saying about not taking the blame. I don’t and have told her that several times. However, I do also understand that I helped (50/50) get the marriage to where is was. That is no excuse for what she did but I look at this as an opportunity for me to learn about what I did wrong and to grow so that this will never happen to me again (with or without her).
Thank you for your advice. I agree that I cannot play games so I have to be very careful about how I handle this. At this point, it is too early for me to tell if I want her back, I believe that I do. I like your approach, it sounds to me like you took the high road and effectively said, I’m moving on, you with me or not? You are correct, I need to be prepared for the possibility that she will choose not to come along and you know what – she don’t what she’s missing.
We have started to see a counselor and I have contacted a lawyer so that I can prepare myself for both outcomes. It’s websites like this that keep me going.
Dave
I have different things to say…..as always.
To Help!!!…..I also heard crazy things in the beginning, and what you say sounds totally crazy. But you are a year into it. (I think, you wrote 2007, but I believe you mean 2006). I truly believe the spouse who has an affair goes into ‘crazy’ mode for some time period. Whatever the reasons or the outcome they have done something so socially and emotionally unacceptable (in most cases) that being ‘crazy’ is the only way to deal.
Put yourself in this situation only if you are truly comfortable with where YOU are at. From your note it does not seem that you are comfortable. In which case I would say ‘charge neutral’ and simply say ‘no thank you’. UGH! I am so sorry. I wish I could offer more, but not knowing the total circumstances and having been through ‘crazy’ makes it hard to offer soltice in a meaningful way.
To MS:
I feel I can relate so well. Thank you for your notes. I am currently still in the swirl, but so much more confident…..and not that we will be together……just that I am taking care of me.
To All:
Listen to what is said in these blogs. I don’t know what the end is for me yet, but being the person I know to be true and being there for my husband when I can while holding the strong line is paying off.
What I mean by that is he is in total turmoil, but being honest on all accounts (not always what I would like, but at least real). I believe (as I always have…..but so much more fully with each day) that I will be OK with whatever outcome. My hope is that we can work this out and be so much closer. We do have that potential, but in the meantime my commitment (only just now) to ending it forever if he can not commit to me is great. Meanwhile I am giving him a limited space to deal with ‘the other side’ and this has had an incredible result so far.
We will (I believe) able to salvage a great realtionship for us if he is willing/able. If not a great realtionship (on a different level) for the kids. Charging neutral and holding a strong line is so real. Believe in yourself!
However, I knew I could not do it until I believed it. Some of the time I did it knowing that I was ‘making believe’ but that I needed to do that. It has brought me to this point. Where it goes from here remains to be seem. I could be a puddle tomorrow. But today I feel strong and know that I am getting honest answers regardless of the outcome. That feels really good.
To Help! What a nerve!! I can’t beleive, well I can really, that your husband would suggest that! I sat calmly with my husband as he told me that under different circumstances I would like her and probably be her friend(the OP) I just sat there and thought yeh, right! Amazing how they want approval especially from their faithful partners who they profess to admire so much!! You hang in there girl, and do the right thing by yourself and save yourself from more pain.
Liz, I could have been writing that letter myself. I am in the same exact situation with my husband and I wonder everyday and have asked him “What changed for you that you came back here and decide you loved me and not her” “What was different”? He said he realized why he married me in the first place and that we were talking more and sharing and having the closeness we used to. In the back of my mind I was thinking “What the heck”? I have been to counseling and it really helps to work through the hurt and anger and shame. Funny, he has an affair and I feel the shame of it. Anyhow, I don’t know how long it’s been since you husband has been back and not seeing the OP, but it’s been about 3 mos for me now and the feelings of inadequacy and insecurity get a easier as time passes. I know what you mean about trying for the kids, but take it from me, you can’t stay for the kids, he can’t either or history will repeat itself. You have to want this for you. At first that’s all I thought about was, what I was going to tell them, they won’t understand, they’ll have to go with him at some point and the OP! How my life would change and so would theirs. But, once things settled down and I decided to take no more crap, I worked it out in my head and wrote down what I wanted to say to them if their dad left, and the rest would be ok if I just loved them. Lots of kids come from divorced homes, so I vowed that if I was staying in this marriage it would be because I truely loved my husband and wanted my marriage, not to keep living a miserable existence. Take your time and do some thinking about what YOU really want. Yes, your kids will be a factor in your decisions, but ultimately, it is you that deserves to be happy with someone who loves and respects you and that you can trust. Your kids will follow your lead. Have a blessed holiday.
To Help
Wow dont know what to say , he got her pregnant that is what my ex did. Maybe he wants you to raise the child with him, god only knows what the heck people are thinking.
I have learned people are never what they appear to be but maybe you should go and maybe in that you will find more direction than not going at least youll know what your dealing with more than before to some extent. Dont know what to say really.
Sandy I know too well about that poor other person and what a hard life she had she was 18 suicidal in couselling for years and he was her savior. I on the other hand was strong and think he felt more needed by her even though I had given him six kids and needed my man to be there for me, as pitiful as she was neither had any consideration for me to this day because they are selfish and needy, you are right about them never being honest with themself to face it and chances are they never will. You are also right about how do you trust someone else, I have had enough strength to do that fortunatley but unfortunately there are so few in this world who are actually sincere and compassionate and understanding enough to be a real person and I have oome to learn that people are never what they want you to believe they are, they just want you to think it and for no real reason at any moment they could dump your friendship because of their lack of fair play and their lack of being able to work things out. Some of them in the same position as us and you would think them of anyone would have more understanding but is not always so. It isnt any wonder when they may have been given the chance to work things out that they couldnt have the skills to do it. I wasnt given that chance as the op was pregnant and highly complicated my situation.
Beware beware like I said very few have the interpersonal skills to work through differences that EVERYONE has and if you see that you will know right away they are not what they seem. My problem is that I am just too sensitive and caring of others and I really need to toughen up to people and their words maybe its gods way of doing that for me .
MS To you take the chance what have you got to lose , sometimes people really do learn from their mistakes, very few mind you but maybe your husband is one of the lucky ones who has. Give him the chance rather than be overly suspicious and not that you shouldnt keep your eye out. but take this opportunity to build your own life up as an individual so if for some horrible reason it did happen again you may be more prepared to stand alone. You can always check the history on the computer to see where someone has been over a period of time. But I think if you invest a little more into yourself you will end up on top either way.
To BJ Thanks for picking me up in a bad time cause no one else in my life had the compassion to do it. Most people are just too needy to put their differences aside and try to rescue someone else in their turmoil, I have done that so many times for others its nice to see someone do it for me too. Sometimes when we try to help people we can easily offend them since they are at a sensitive time, I would never intentionally do it to hurt anyone as I am a loving soul but their are tons out there who would not see past their own self.
Thanks again you really made me feel better. Wish I could do the same for you.
what a rollercoaster ride. this sucks. what is wrong with people? why did they ever get married in the first place? at 35 I thought that I married a mature woman. obviously she must still be 16. is that not how we all acted at that age? these insane people ,causing all of us so much agony and pain, need to grow up. instead we sit here agonizing over what to do to repair our marriages and they are out having a big time. or so they think. as for the holidays, they are tuff. probably not for the guilty ones. thats what drives me crazy. here i am keeping the other half of “her life” together while the thought of our union seems to never cross her mind. of course i dont know what she is thinking, im not in her shoes. maybe that would help if i could understand the insanity. dont know that i want to go there. there has to be turmoil in her mind, but she is so good at hiding it. maybe we need to be old school like our parents. dad said she wouldnt have had the chance to do this the second time. he would have “canned” her the first time. maybe we should be as heartless as our spouses. believe it or not, when you are as heartless and mean as they are, it seems to get there attention. of course we are all, or it sounds like, not much more than a security blanket for our cheating onrs. i dont know about you all, but i didnt sign a marriage license to be a “sugar daddy”. is a marriage not “two becoming one”? i feel so stupid and like such a fool for tolerating such behavior. why do we do it? help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shennie – So glad to hear from you. You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers since the blog you wrote earlier. I sincerely hope that things are going better for you. It sounds like it is. Keep you spirits up & enjoy your holidays!
To Help!! – It sounds like he just wants to make it one big happy family. It would be different if it were a child he discovered from his past long before you. But to expect you to “hang out” with his OP and their child is extremely insensitve! I couldn’t do it and the fact that you’re writing and asking others for their opinion, tells me that you don’t want to do it. If you don’t, then tell him NO! Or maybe you & your husband & his child could go, if you’re up to that, but I would never go on vacation with the OP. And it is completely ridiculous for him to even suggest that you go on a fun family trip with the OP who deceived you and lied and cheated with your husband!
Steve – Your right. It sucks! I’ve been on the roller coaster for 19 months. He supposedly broke it off for good (with me listening while he called her) in September. But it’s still up & down. One day he’s nice & committed. The next he’s mean & snappy-even to the kids. Is he having a hard time getting over her and maybe that’s why he’s agitated, or maybe he’s still involved & so he’s guilty & annoyed b/c he’s rather be with her. But I try not to worry but concentrate on me and my children and try to be a good wife and I’ve set up boundaries & I try to stick with them. If he’s mean, I remove myself from the situation(though I do it respectfully). But my husband is here and he is coming home every night after work and doing things for us and trying. You wrote earlier that she had moved out and isn’t being responsible. I would say to you, don’t enable her. If she’s not committed to you, then you need to move on with your life & get off the roller coaster. Fix you and concentrate on you & your kids. Don’t tolerate bad behavior. She will only lose respect for you. Decide what your boundaries are and for your sake, stick with them. You deserve better and deserve someone who will be honest with you. Best of luck!
Hey June
It was really heartwarming for me to know that you were thinking of me. Dont know that Im feeling a whole lot better but that was a bad day. I went out to a bar with a bunch of girls on Saturday and had an absolute blast, as I said I dont drink much but had enough to get on the dance floor and let it all out. Lets just say an admirer asked me if I needed a table , I said no thanks but kinda chuckled inside. Feels really weird bein single scary even. Im not used to goin out like that but I think it did me some good as I couldnt even bring myself to write here until now. I need everyone here to help me through this and I should be by now what the heck is taking so long lol. Too much responsibility takes its toll I guess and makes for a long recovery. I had such a good time I took my girlfriend back last night whose Dad is having heart surgery today , I just wanted to make her feel better about it and they had a comedy show there , humor is the best medicine. I am at a different place than most here right now but I am here to try to help others just as I also seem to still need it. Amazing isnt it what other people can do to our souls. Anyhow my heart goes back to you and I hope
the holidays bring you some happiness, I havent been much in the spirit myself but am trying for the kids.
Steve dont feel stupid or you can feel stupid with the rest of us we wont hold it against you one bit so your not alone if that makes you feel better which im sure it doesnt. Were a reflection of each other on every third or fourth day back and forth emotions sucks is right. Well at least your in the right place to not be judged for it. But seriously dont be so hard on yourself your only human and it shows me that because of your compassion your anything but stupid. They are the stupid ones and lucky to have people in their life who are not for however long they can keep them there.
Put your mind in another place a happy place and as long as your thinking happy thoughts there will be no time for those thoughts. I know this probably doesnt help much but sometimes its all you can do to get through it and gain strength to figure it all out .
Go out with some guys to the bar and enjoy yourself maybe someone will ask you if you need a table maybe if they see someone else finds you desirable it may bring them back down to earth. I hope you have a good holiday at least try for yourself if anyone. Take care
Hi everybody,
I think our unfaithful partners who leave, have their own issues they have to work out. It is really sad that we had to be a part of that and be hurt in the process but at least it has taught us to stand up for what is best for us, it is our journey too to wake up to our issues and to be honest with ourselves and everybody around us. I never wanted my marriage to end, and I don’t think my husband did either, but we were so dysfunctional it wasn’t funny! I am now and have been ever since I found out about the affair, more honest with people than what I ever have been. It is such a liberating thing. Our partners are probably still in denial and think that their new relationship will fix all their problems and heal the hurt. No one can fix our problems for us. If our unfaithful partners are in situations we think are crazy, or will eventually hurt them, emotionally, we have to let them learn that themselves. I have in my own way tried to ‘help’ my husband come to understand or at least question why he has done this, but he is not ready to listen and it is not my position to ‘fix’ him. It is my job now to look inside of me and surrender myself to God and let him work in my life instead of trying to ‘fix’ everything and everyone. Since the affair my relationship with my children is so much better. I listen to them, I try not to judge them, or wish they were different. I just let them be. And it is amazing they are so much more open with me now. If there is good out of this terrible situation it is that my relationships with everyone has improved. They are not perfect but much more honest and fulfilling.
God Bless, Michelle
MS,
Thank you so very much on your insight about the children. And, it is comforting to know (not that I wish we EVER had this horrible thing in common) that someone out there totally understands how you feel inside. The worst part was the day of “discovery” when I asked him, “do you love her?” and he said “yes, I am falling in love”, etc. UGH. It was like someone sucker-punched me in the face. And, of course, she’s, “head over heels in love with him”. It is like a bad dream and every morning you wake up and it’s the first thing on your mind each day. It’s been since September since he claims the affair ended (for the second time). So, here we are with the holidays approaching and he is frustrated with me becuase I have “no trust” and he tells me that I need to “make a decision at some point in time to trust him”. How can he think, that after being betrayed all summer long and lied to that in 3 months I can just jump right back into blind faith with him? Whenever I discuss the affair or my insecurities about the OP, he tells me that “were not moving forward, we’re going backward”. Everything I have read about infidelity says that this is totally textbook with affairs. The spouse who had the affair wants it to just go away as soon as possible. Doesn’t work that way.
As for the children, I totally agree that I cannot just stay in the marriage for their sake or I will not be able to be the mother they deserve to have, a happy one. I do love my husband, and I do believe he loves me but i struggle daily with the thoughts of what he said to her, and does he still think about her now? Does he miss her? Is he just staying becuase it’s the right thing to do? I want a relationship with someone who loves me wholeheartedly because I feel like I deserve this and I am a good person with genuine honest love to give. I think it boils down to the fact that I feel like I held up my end of the bargain, I honored my wedding vows, and yes, our marriage was very rocky at times, but I never once thought of taking the path toward an affair. I have too much dignity and I would never jeapordize my husband’s health by having unprotected sex, etc. That is also something that I cannot get over. How can the person that claims to love you, knowingly put your health at risk for their selfish pleasure? Can they REALLY love you if they do this?
Well, I wish everyone of you a very happy holiday season, and I feel so much comfort knowing there are wonderful people on this site who totally understand this. But one good thing is that I truly believe we will be STRONGER people from this experience and the ones who have betrayed us have a much bigger load to bear in the long run.
Steve,
I totally understand how you feel that they seem like none of this really bothers them. Sometimes I can’t believe they are able to laugh and joke and carry on the way they do, after all the damage they have caused. Then, they get upset becuase you are not “upbeat” engough for them, or in a good enough mood for them. Gee, I wonder why? It wouldn’t be because you were totally self-absorbed and destroyed our marriage, put my health at risk, and created lasting wounds for our children! Remember them? Our kids? Were you thinking of them when you were with the OP? Probably not. I agree with you that, gee, if we acted like they did, what would they think? Would it get their attention?
Steve, you are my inspiration that there are many wonderful men that exist that actually cherish their wedding vows, their families, and wouldn’t think of cheating. And, I got the same advice as you did, ditch them after the second time. And, I, like you, took him back. NEVER ever did I think I would forgive a second time! Is it that we have such hope for change? Is it that we need to save these people from themselves? Are we totally enabling them by forgiving a second time?
June –
I your husband’s behavior sounds very similar to mine. One day he is very nice, affectionate, great with the children, helping with homework and then next day, mean, cold, defensive and aggitated and “short” with them. I also, think, does he miss her? Was it easier being with her since her kids are adults and out of the house? We have little children and as you all know, that much of your time and attention. And, my husband broke it off with the OP in September also, but of course I still have doubts that it is really over sometimes. My goal is to be the best mom and person. I’ve decided that he needs to gain back my respect. It took me a while to get to that place becuase during the rollercoaster of emotions, I tried to hard to please him. Looking back, I think this is wrong. I think the person who had the affair needs to earn themselves back in the marriage. I put up boundries for myself. I will not tolerate anymore verbal abuse, and if he is mean to the children, I will ask him to leave. I have to do this for myself and he needs to learn that I won’t be a doormat for him any longer. I am a changed person, thankfully through the help of a therapsit, and he will earn his marriage back. If he cannot do this, then I will be OK regardless. If the OP is more appealing to him, then so be it. I have had to come to grips with this and to tell you the truth, I feel more empowered than I ever have in my whole life!
Good luck to you!
Liz, I think the same things about his thoughts. Does he miss her, still love and long for her, will he give in to his weaknesses etc? I have to stop worrying about what he thinks and wants. I can’t control it anyway. I have to worry about what I want and what I can do to on my part to make our marriage stronger, better and heal. I need to know that if we don’t work out, I did all I could to save this marriage, so I can look at myself in the mirror and go on. If I continue to persecute him then what am I really accomplishing? I still don’t trust him fully, and probably won’t for a long time. He knows that. I have however, let up on the questions for now. I still look at my own discression, but I don’t inquire if there is something a little askew. Now if I found definate proof of contact, I certainly would confront him, but for now I just do what I have to do to get throught each day. The more affection and love he shows me and the kids the easier it gets for me to move forward.
My husband also said he loved the OP. He was a textbook ” I fell out of love, and just love being in love” affair. He was totally into the we don’t have any romance, no spontanaiety, excitement blah, blah, blah. We had the children “lull” in the marriage. The mundane responsibilities of every day life. The “newness” of love was gone. I really tried to do what Dr. Bob said in his book and it worked after many back and forth months. He finally recognized that we could recapture that “in love” feeling if we concentrated on eachother and if the OP was out of the picture. He said he found that love and devotion he had lost before all this. Not sure where it went, but it’s back now. Funny, I still think that these cheaters are full of crap. I was in this relationship too and needed romance and affection and attention, but I didn’t cheat. Why do they? I personally think there is something wrong with them inherintaly. Anyway, you’re not alone girl. I am right there with you. Take Care, MS
Liz-June-Shennie. It helps to know that there are some ladies out there with a compassionate heart. I want to file for divorce so bad. It seems to be the only way out of this insanity. Her insanity is bringing out my insane side, go figure. My wife, when we met, was an answered prayer, the woman of my dreams. She has a ton of personality. She has never met a stranger. She is a party waiting to happen. Ever known someone that likes to play before they pay? Drove us to bankruptcy. She took care of our finances. She took care of them alright. Just another stupid mistake I made. How can love be so blind & trusting? Divorce is all I heard for 2 months. That is until I agreed & offered to pay for it. Now all of a sudden she is wondering what is up with me. I have been faithful to our wedding vows, but I will admit it is getting old. Another strange thing is the better we get along when we soeak on the phone, the less frequent the phone rings. Anybody have a clue as to what she is doing. Am I a bonified fool for going through this any longer? Her & and her mother have bought my kids Christmas presents. I dont feel that they need to do this. For 3 months we have not been “family”. The kids don’t need a part time mom (stepmom). Their biolagical mom hasn’t been around in a couple of years. They are stuck to me like glue. Any comments or advice, ladies?
Steve – Take care of your kids & concentrate on them. I’m sure this has got to be difficult for them, especially around the holidays. From everything you’ve said, it sounds like you need to just let her go. When she is sure that she has you to fall back on, that lets her do her own thing and take you for granted. Don’t let her think you’re a sure thing. I wish I had the answers for you. I can’t even answer my own questions, and I’m sure you’ve realized from reading what others have written, that none of us have the answers. The decisions that we need to make are so difficult b/c it affects our future, our kids’ futures, and our hearts are involved. It’s so hard to know what to do. But at some point you do have to draw the line and stop being taken advantage of. Think of what you want your future to be like, 5 years from now. I don’t think you want what you currently have. Good luck!
Liz – so sorry you’re going through what you are. The OP in my husband’s life had a grown daughter while we had 3 young children. What ever happened to responsiblity and taking pride and joy in your children? Why do so many spouses run to another person when children come along? What is it that brings out their selfishness? We were fortunate in that my parents helped a lot & watched our children and yet that wasn’t enough freedom for him. And yet he ultimately stayed b/c of the kids. He realized that he didn’t want another man raising his kids and them calling someone else “Daddy”. Yet you can see he can only take so much of the kids b/f he’s had enough (& they’re well behaved kids). So much restlessness in him still. My gut says that she’s still involved, even if it’s just him thinking about her. But time will tell and we’ll see. I know he gets really angry if I accuse him b/c he says he wants to move forward. Of course he’s said that in the past when he was still involved. So, I try not to question him or accuse him, but I do check on him. Not sure if I’ll ever really trust him again. I think I’m afraid to.
To everyone else: Your words have helped me a lot. I try to concentrate on the holidays & my kids but we all know that’s easier said than done. He said he was going to a certain client’s office today which threw me into a mental tailspin b/c I know this client & know that he would cover for my husband if he were still seeing or talking to her. Not that I have reason to think that, but it’s funny how something you wouldn’t even think about 2 years ago, now puts pits in your stomach. But it helps to know that there are others out there who understand and are going through the same thing. It’s also nice to know that not all guys cheat and run from their wives and kids. I wish everyone the best of luck and hope you all can take a mental break from all of this & enjoy your holidays!
Hey Steve
Im gonna pitch in where june left off, she is giving you great advice. In 5 yrs. I know thats hard to imagine. For me its been 4. Still even so every once in a while I have a bad day or better yet a bad week or so I seems totally inavoidable really, BUT after it passes I feel that much stronger. I just had a really bad couple of weeks and in the last few days a whole bunch of interesting things have happened to my life to shed a whole new light.
The beauty of it is and hopefully it will give you some incentive, but its that because we have come through what we have we are more prepared and enabled to choose the next person extremely wisely and can have some fun while doing it. We have become that much smarter and gained so much insight and become stronger for it all that chances are with the next person we wont make the same mistakes, not only in choosing who that person might be but in having a better vision and appreciation of what we want in life and how to get it. I know for me that I have spent alot of time saying next time I will make sure I do this or that and I believe I will because I know now more than ever what I want out of it.Think about it . Dont feel bad its not something you chose or deserve but something you were forced to be faced with and no one is expected to know exactly what to do to get through it. We are not the stupid ones so remember when you do go your separate ways the stupid part goes with her.
Wow! Again……..so much of the same I am living. Ow!
I had a tailspins today with what I did not even think about. First of all, my husband’s birthday. I was so concentrated on Christmas and New Year’s that I did not consider the fact that if he was with the OP on the eve of his birthday I would be in a tailspin. UGH!!
Then there are the triggers. We’ll be spending the holidays ‘as a family’ in hopes of the future, but the OP is still in the picture. I can’t handle any phone calls. The cell…connected to the texts, etc of the affair make me crazy.
In the scheme of things he finds this surprising. Where are we really going? He (and we) have made incredible progress, but these issues are huge in building toward the final ‘goodbye’……..which we both know is in the very near future….her or me.
He says he wants us..the family…..but can he say ‘no’ to her? I feel strong in either direction, but will that be real when the time comes? Either way this hell is not over for months.
I did not ask or want this!! I see the light either way, but dread the pain that still lies ahead. I also wish us all happy holidays….in whatever sense we need them to be. We will be OK when the ‘end’of his comes. When will that be???
Sue, June, Shennie and Steve:
I am so grateful to read all your posts. This is the hardest holiday for me in my entire life. Today my husband went Christmas shopping and all that popped in my head was, “is he buying a gift for her too?”……UGH. I honestly don’t know if I can go week to week, and month to month with zero trust and wonder. He expects me to have blind trust in him and thinks his actions prove that he’s not doing anything wrong. The problem is he broke it so bad, on NUMEROUS occasions I am totally afraid I can’t ever get it back. I just want to get through the holidays and reevaluate my situation in the new year.
Steve – wow, you sound too amazing to be treated this way! (we all are). Please be “neutral” with her and don’t let her think you are effected by her. I actually used that tactic for a long time during the summer after I filed for divorce, and it actually worked wonders. I became very indifferent with my husband while he was seeing the OP and he started paying a lot more attention to what I was doing, and he would call me and he was acting all panicked, etc. I think when they are cheating, and you act like you don’t care one way or the other, they start to realize what they stand to lose. My husband did. At one point in our counseling, he said, “I wanted you to fight for me!”…..So I think a lot of people have affairs to actually get the person that they really love to notice them! Sounds crazy, but I think it has some merit to it. When they realize you aren’t sitting around crying over them, I think it effects them worse than if you do. A non-reaction is more powerful than a negative one! Please stay strong all of you and have a wonderful holiday!!!
Hi,
I wish I had I would have been nuetral to my husband when I found out, my counsellor tried to suggest some strategies but I knew better! Well all I did was probably make my husband run the other way! I think the advice to be nuetral and show that you don’t care is very sound advice. It does make them notice. I am getting better at being nuetral but it does take practice and doesn’t come easy. It is about being strong enough to allow the person to make their own choices,and if they are not what you want, to be able to accept that. I know this sounds all so simple, but it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, to allow someone else their own choices even when that choice totally crushed me.
Everybody take care during the holdidays, I know we will make it! God bless
Hey Liz
It makes me feel good if anything I said helped in any way at all . There is two sides to that what you said about them wanting you to fight for them too. It like a double wammy. You fight and pay attention and they run, you ignor and they come. go figure, I dont think there is any really easy answer to be honest. You have to let their personality be your guide. Everyone reacts differently. I moved on with myself and stepped up for my kids because I had to and because I showed strength he thought it was ok becasue the op was weak and so was he . I can still remember him saying to me oh your strong youll get through it. Im like maybe so but its no consellation frankly. I stood up for myself and held my own and because of it he knew id be ok. but I would have been more okay if had worked through it with me and not abandoned me to raise 6 kids all alone for 3 yrs before contacting us, idiot is my only word. I have no respect for him whatsoever. I remember when people wrote on this blog how they wished the other person would just have a life accident well I wished he did for the lousy human being he was to the kids and to me. I didnt care if he left but I did care how he left and to keep his share of his responsibilities and not dump them on my shoulders only to leave me unappreciated and unloved . Well all I know is he is the one who has to answer to god in the end and look in the mirror when half his children wont even speak to him. or the fact that that half of his one day grandchildren he will never even know. He is the one who lost not me.
Unfortunately its a long recovery regardless.
wishing everyone a merry xmas
Ladies; At first all I did was plead my case. Told her how I sacrificed my very being to care for her. A high maintenance one, I guess you would say. I have learned since then that all that did was push her away. I love you need not ever be said by me. The very things that I thought I was doing to assure her of the stability she needed were actually pushing her away. Looking back I dont think there was much I could have done to change her choices. Here it is Christmas day and I havent heard from her in a week. This from a woman that at first called me five times a day or more. The kids are fine, or at least they seem to be. Im sure they would like Christmas to be all that it was in the past. I really hate this for them. She had the nerve to ask me to keep the kids out of our discussions. To me they are a big part of this whole ordeal. She knows that I will make it. She knows who the responsible one was in our relationship. I think it actually makes what she is doing easier, knowing that her husband can & will take care of everything. I dont have an option. I am getting real tired of this farce of a marriage, tired of being married & yet alone. I (as well as you all) didn’t sign on for this kind of treatment. I agree with not acting as if any of this is bothering me. Much to her surprise I dont call her anymore. I have to admit it eats me up, thinking about who she might be with at her families Christmas gatherings, today. But, that is totally out of my hands. I try not to think about her, but that is quite impossible. This was our house. Anyway thats enough wining for today. Can’t change the past. Tomorrow will be a better day. I’m praying for each of you. Thanks for the compassionate responses. God bless each of you.
Steve,
Tomorrow WILL be a better day. In my opinion, holidays are typically great or they suck it’s rare that there’s an in-between. I’m a typical guy into technical things etc. and not necessarily in touch with my emotional side but I feel so much better just being able to converse with folks through blogs like this even though it is impersonal; perhaps that’s what makes it work is that we all don’t know each other, live in the same town etc. As I have mentioned to others, my wife and I just started an alternative to counseling that seems(at first anyway) to point us in the right direction. You may want to look at this – it can be found at www marriagemax . com. In the last month since I discovered her affair I have read more books than I have read in a year. One fundamental bottom line that seems to come through in all of it – while I am not to blame for her infidelity, I are responsible for my half of the relationship. Despite how much I want to change others, I can only change one person in this world of millions – myself. It has taken me quite a while to get this and I still have difficulties with it on a daily basis (I regress into thinking how she has treated me, what she needs to do to regain my trust, etc.). My approach is actually kinda simple, she’ll either change or she won’t, she’ll either get to the point that she’ll ask for my forgiveness or she won’t. I know that I will change, I already have. I plan on moving on to a point where I have confidence that she, or any other woman for that matter, will never do this to me again. If she decides to come along for the ride, great; if not her loss. I know that sounds like pyscho bable but the more I talk to myself and others about this approach the more support I get. I am going to come out of this 110% better and if she decides to not face the reality of the situation and be held accountable for her actions I know that as I improve I will have a clear conscience when this is over. Given the circumstances, there are only two possible outcomes – we make it or we don’t; there is no way we will return to “the way it used to be”. I can tell by your tone that you are a very strong person with conviction. As much as it might be difficult to hear, if things don’t work for you with your current wife then there will be a day that you will find someone right (there are lots of fish in the sea). This is without a doubt one of the most difficult times in my life because it has nothing to do with computers etc. but I keep telling myself to only look back to learn not dwell, and to look forward and things will get better. Hang in there man.
Dave
Merry Christmas to all of you!
So sorry that you (and all of us for that matter) have to face the holidays with this in your life. My heart goes out to you and to those of you with children. I hope the children at least enjoyed Christmas in spite of the circumstances. I’m sure you didn’t. My Christmas was pretty good. My 3 kids all said that this was the best Christmas ever (of course they’re completely clueless about the situation). Still, I can’t keep from wondering whether or not this is our last Christmas together as a family. I gave him until January 15 and that’s only 3 weeks away and I’m still not sure what to do. I know he’ll never leave. He’d continue to cheat but he wouldn’t leave. That would be wrong. Go figure the logic. But he says he’s done with her and has been since September. Still, sometimes he’s preoccupied, impatient, distant, etc. And then there are times he has to go out and run errands. Tomorrow morning he wants to go to the stores and return things, etc. Maybe so, but it seems a little odd. I didn’t say anything b/c what’s the point? If he is seeing her, he’ll only lie about it and if he’s not, it’ll only set us back. Either way he’ll get mad at me for not trusting him. So my dilemma for the next 3 weeks is, do I give it more time? Can I continue to live with someone that I don’t trust? Can I ever trust again? I’m not sure if he’s really sorry b/c he still tries to downplay it… we were just friends (never mind that I have proof to the contrary), it was winding down (not according to the phone records). Maybe the real question is can I ever really forgive him? I pray I make the right decision and I pray for all of you as well.
Hi everyone!
Dave, you sound like me. I never thought I would read so much, or log as many hours on the internet about affairs as I have in the last 6 months. I totally agree with your statement that there are only 2 possible outcomes, we either make it or we don’t. That’s where I am at and I am sure everyone else is in the same boat.
June-my kids said it was the best Christmas they ever had. I was worried to death that since my parents have virtually “disowned” my husband (for cheating, and countless lies, etc.) that my kids would be very upset over the holidays. Quite the contrary, they were elated. I also do not have a relationship with my inlaws anymore (after 18 years of being close) becuase I felt that while my husband was living with the OP this summer, they basically defended him by telling him, “you have a life and you’re a grown man”. UGH. I was devistated they took this stance. So, to sum in up, even though this has greatly impacted our extended families, the kids are OK and that’s all I care about right now!
My husband also has been running little errands and a part of me just tries to block it out and work on ME. I can’t control what he does, if he wants to lie and cheat, he will. I’ve been exercising every time he leaves the house. It really helps! I’ve lost 40 pounds in 6 months since this all happened.
Well, it’s a new year and I feel like this will “make us or break us”. My goal is to be OK with myself and children by this time in 2007, regardless of what path he takes and our marriage.
And Dave – yes, there are MANY fish in the sea. We met these people, and they are just one in a million so why can’t we meet someone else? Very, very possible indeed!
Stay Strong!
I am responding for the very first time…but many of you will be surprised that I am responding to you not as the one who has been betrayed, but as the person who betrayed my husband of 10 years. Is has been 7 months since he found out. I ended the 3 month affair 3 weeks prior to the night that my husband confronted me. My pour hasband has been through ups and downs…he loves he dearly as I do him, but as many of you are feeling he feels betrayed…I have become totally transparant. There is nothing that he doesn’t know. Of course at first we went through the time of lies…me lying…he asking questions…and me wanting for all of it to just be over so that we can move on…now I have nothing left to hid, and honestly since this time things are better. I have found out that he really needed to know details ( I didn’t want to hurt him more…so I lied) However no matter how hard the news was for him…we were able to move on once he knew.
He feels like he will never be able to please me…emotionally. We are two different people. He feels that we are bound to one day get divorced…but for now he wants to live one day at a time.
I guess I just gave you a little back ground…now let me tell you where I am. My husband travels alot. He says that he has had opportunities to cheat on me, but didn’t. And now it makes him mad. He wished that he had…I guess revenge is great. I have been walking on egg shells for the last 7 months trying to let him know that I want him, need him, love him. I am being the best wife, lover, mother, friend.
Some days he is very affectionate to me, other days he doen’t touch me. I am on a rollor coaster ride.
The other day I found several text messages to and from another woman who he works with. According to the messages any one would think that they were having an affair. I confronted him…although I feel as if I have no room to be mad, hurt, betrayed…I do feel this way. I am trying to work on our marriage, and he is sending messages to another woman. He says that they are only flirting, and that I had no right to check up on him (I only did this after we went to a chritmas party that she was at…and I caught her several times eyeing my husband longingly…I got supisious) He says that nothing will happen, but that he enjoys flirting with her. He says that he has too much respect for me…and her husband (a good fried of his) to let anything happen. Although he has admitted that she would be willing…if he were.
I guess I am sending this message to ask you…do I have a right to be upset? I am totally committed to making my marriage work, and I thought he was,but when I see messages that say “the time is right…I need some K” my husbands first initial it really worries me. Should I allow him to have his fling? I mean I am the one who betrayed him, I’m the one who lied, I’m the one who has to live with the guilt, I’m the one who hurt him. Maybe its my turn to be hurt.
Any comments?
JG,
Coming from a person on the other side of the fence, don’t you DARE accept his infidelity as your penance. I have thought about this quite a bit and can tell you that I too have thought about “having an affair” to get even but what would that prove. Both of us would feel guilt when what we really need is to build trust and love back into our relationship. Does stealing from someone who stole from you do either of you any good? My wife cheated on me and I know that I didn’t make that decision but I also know that I had some say in letting our relationship get to the terrible place that it was. I am still very very upset that my wife did this to me. But I am trying my best to come to the middle of the ring with my gloves off to understand why it happened, learn from it, accept responsibility for MY actions and either repair things or move on. I can understand how this would upset you and I can feel your frustration. My only other suggestion is for you do your best to take the high road. It has taken me quite a while to learn this concept but I think I finally get it – I can influence my wife, kids, friends etc. but I can only change one person in this world – me. Do your best to look inside yourself for the right answer. As much as you have done something very, very wrong, you like everyone else, needs to be wanted and needed and a revenge affair is not going to get the two of you any closer.
Hi JG,
Can I ask you something as you were the person who had an affair, do you think once you cross that line, does it makes it easier for you to consider to do it again in the future? Or does the negative experience and pain you inflicted make you less apt to do so?? Also, how long did it take for you to get over your affair partner, and do you still think of them daily? I always wonder if my husband has really put his affair partner out of his mind, or am I kidding myself?
I too, have thought many, many times of having a revenge affair on my husband since he did this to me, but have chosen not to. I agree with Dave it would do nothing to help the situation, and it would make me a complete hypocrite. I would leave the marriage before I consider being with another person.
Thanks Dave. Each of you are giving me the confidence to face this situation head on. Jg; What is up with the phone ringing off the wall for a week, then I dont hear from her for a week. She wants a divorce, I offer to go through with it, pay for it, etc. now she is backing up, she’s wondering what is up with me. She actually said no to my offer. I was quite surprised. What a rollercoaster. There seems to be no “neautral ground”. I do know that I am ready to get off of this ride. If you have any insight or advice, it wpuld be greatly appreciated. Just trying to make sense of it all. (I know that is not possible). Maybe I’m looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.
Dave,
You mentioned marriagemax & I was wondering exactly what you did with them & how it was going. I checked out the web site. I’ve done counseling in the past for 8 months with & without my husband. It helped me tremendously but ultimately fell flat b/c at the time he was still involved with her. I’m hesitant to suggest something else unless I’m sure it will help. Hope it’s helping you and I hope things are going better!
Liz – Glad your Christmas went well at least with the kids. Actually, my husband’s affair strengthened my bond with my in-laws. They came out hard against him (which greatly surprised me) and I became very close to one of his sisters. But this has greatly strained his relationship with my family & my parents were very close to him. I feel the way that you do that this year will make or break us. If he is still involved with her or re-engages with her, he will eventually get caught and then I will leave. If he isn’t involved and chooses to focus on us, then we will get better. I hope your husband chooses to focus on your marriage and your family. Good luck in 2007!
JG- I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. But 2 wrongs don’t make a right. But I will say that it’s so easy to be tempted when you’re hurt & feeling betrayed. It makes you vulnerable for an affair. A friend of mine who has always been a flirt started stepping it up a notch w/ txt messages & e-mails. I knew it was definitely crossing the line but it’s so nice to have someone pay attention to you especially when your spouse isn’t. Doesn’t make it right. Also makes it dangerous. I stopped it though b/c I don’t want to go down that path. It wouldn’t make anything better. It would just complicate things. But I do hope that it kinda gives you some insight into how you hurt him and I hope that you can forgive him for what he is doing. However, don’t think that what he is doing is justified. It isn’t. We all must make choices regardless of the circumstances. It doesn’t say “Thou shalt not commit adultery unless your spouse does it first”. He’s still responsible for doing what is right and it doesn’t sound like he’s forgiven you. I sincerely wish you the best of luck!