This question occurs when either a person knows or has evidence that the spouse
is having an affair but hasn’t confronted him or her with it, or the affair is
out in the open but you want to be stronger in your stance.
I’m going to answer this question perspective of the seven kinds of affairs that
I outline.
Let’s look first at the affair I call “I need to improve my desire ability.”
In this kind of affair there is usually a lot of shame and guilt so if you
suspect your partner is having an affair and fits into this category, be
cautious and express concern.
You want to provide an atmosphere in which he or she can feel free to confide in
you because that’s probably what he or she wants.
Often when someone confronts a person verbally who is involved in an “I don’t want
to say no” affair the conversation really doesn’t go anywhere constructive. It gets
turned back on you, you’re blamed, you get angry…it’s a hassle.
Instead of confronting verbally a person who is involved in an “I don’t want to say
no,†take action. Take very, very strong action of some sort. Speak through your
behaviors and not your words.
Here are three ways in which you can confront your spouse if you are involved in
one of the other kinds of affairs.
Refer to behaviors or refer to specific things you see with your cheating spouse.
Say to him or her, “this is what I observe, this is what I see.†Relate these
behaviors to the fact that he or she might be involved in an affair.
Another way of confronting your spouse who may be involved in another kind of
affair is to take a very, very firm stand and say, “I will not live with this, I
will not tolerate this, I will not share you with someone else.”Walk away. Take a
very firm stand and utter that declaration.
A third way of handling or confronting someone involved in the other kinds of
affairs is to drop comments periodically, such as, “You know you’re headed down a
pretty slippery slope here and I wonder if you realize that.”
Or make some other comment that refers to the consequences of his or her behavior.
You need not explain in detail. Making a short statement and turning around and
walking away often has extreme power.
Keep knocking on the door and say “Hey what’s going on here? I’m here and I’m not
going to live with this.”
Charging neutral is an important concept that I teach and you want to charge
neutral which is easier said than done, especially in the beginning stages of the
discovery of infidelity.
Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=confront+spouse
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