I had over 300 people write me with their stories about confronting the other
person, and to be honest, I was quite surprised by the results.
I thought that confronting the other person would be a disaster in most cases.
That’s not what I found to be true. Many people found confronting the other person
to be very, very helpful. Now maybe those that experienced it as a disaster didn’t
write or didn’t respond to me, but I doubt that that’s true.
So let’s take a look: Should you confront the other person?
I found that when a person who’s very nice, accommodating, a pleasant person to be
around – first discovers infidelity, that person may feel a terrible sense of
victimization and helplessness.
And instead of holding back, which may be typical for them, they confronted the
other person. They let it fly, and let it fly in very powerful ways.
They didn’t say very nice things. They didn’t hold back what they were thinking.
They didn’t break the law and didn’t hurt anybody, but they at least confronted the
other person very strongly.
And most people reported that they walked away from that confrontation feeling
empowered. Not much was accomplished, but they felt better about themselves. And
they moved from this sense of being a victim to: “I have a little influence here,
and it feels good.”
There are those who typically are reactive, are blunt, are bold, and who want to get
in there and confront the other person initially. If that’s a personality trait or
personality pattern – I suggest you hold back.
Be reluctant to use that pattern on the other person. What that may do – if you
confront the other person with your directness and your power – is fuel the flames
of the affair. You become the person that he and she talk about and move them closer
together.
Here’s another tip: Don’t expect help from the other person. The other person is not
probably going to be accommodating or be truthful. Because after all, an affair is
based upon “mis-truth,” so why should you expect the other person to be truthful or
to be helpful? That probably is not going to happen.
The exception to that rule is in the kind of affair I call “I Don’t Want to Say No.”
Now, if you confront the other person in that kind of affair, the other person maybe
shocked and may start sharing stories of how your cheating spouse also conned or
manipulated that person. And in some cases, the other person and the person that’s
been cheated upon become good friends over a period of time.
If there’s an impasse, if the affair has been going on for a long time and there
doesn’t seem to be any movement, sometimes it’s helpful to intervene by confronting
the other person. The confrontation generates movement.
This is especially true for the Affair #4: “I Fell Out of Love and Just Love Being
in Love.” That kind of affair is based on a lot of juice, and secrets generate the
juice that keeps that relationship sparked.
By confronting the other person in the “I Fell Out of Love and Just Love Being in
Love” kind of affair, you may take away the juice. You take away the secret, and the
power of that affair is diminished at that particular point in time.
So if you face that kind of affair that becomes an option for you. And often, it’s a
helpful option in terms of breaking up the secrecy and the power of that type of
affair.
I highly recommend – with the “I Need to Prove My Desirability” kind of affair –
that you be reluctant to confront the other person. I don’t think it’s that helpful
in that kind of affair. As a matter of fact, it may be harmful, and there are
reasons for that that I don’t want to get into at this moment.
If you want to confront the other person, make it a plan.
Rehearse what you’re going to say in your mind; maybe practice with someone else. Be
prepared. Imagine the different scenarios that might emerge.
Go into the confrontation with an open mind, and be able to hold yourself by using
“charging neutral.” That probably will give you the best results.
Video: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?s=confront+the+other+person
Wife cheated on me. I’ve spoken to the other guy, but have not decided to tell his wife. He is begging me to not tell the wife, but I’d like to get some revenge and save face. What should I do?
Truth will always hurt both cheaters and their spouses when found out. I have found whether you or someone else tells, the truth eventually comes outanyway. I experienced this and wish someone would have come to me with the truth. The lies, secrets become worse and the farther you get away from truth the more difficult it is to save a marriage and forgive a cheater. It is not revenge, it is truth and you are already living with it and will continue to do so with bad feelings. When in doubt “shout”