Here’s another example of charging neutral – the most powerful skill you can use in coping with infidelity and for confrontations of all varieties.
By the way, this scenario is very common once an affair is brought into the open. It is relevant to a couple of the types of affairs I outline in my e-book.
Thanks to Joanne (who gave me permission to share this) for her story about charging neutral.
Thank you for all your advise. I have been going through this since I found out about my spouses affair. Jan 2008. The other women called my teenage daughters and told them everything. I still to this day don’t know when it started with them, but phone records show it started in Aug of 2007. My spouse has never come clean, he says its over and that he wants to come home, but he is a jekyl and hyde and one minute I know him and the next minute I don’t. He is living with his mother and hates it. We have been married over 20 years and this was a total shock. The thing that really bothered me most is that he never made any attempt to make things right with my daughters or myself. Very self centered. Winter is coming now and I know that he wants to be back our house. I packed up all his winter clothes and took them over to his mothers house the other day. He went crazy, knowing that I didn’t want him back. He cried and told me he loved me, that it was over and that he wanted to come home. I told him we had to work on it, but I think his idea of working on it should be one more talk and then move back home. We decided to meet the to have a talk and for him to come clean. I guess this scared him, so he called me and said he didn’t want to get together. Thinking I was going to lose it, I just said to him ” I think your lies are hurting you more than they are hurting me.” Charged neutral. Hes been calling me constantly. I care about him deeply and worry about him, but I know that he has to be the person I knew and lived with for the last 20 years. I also have to consider the feelings of my daughters. He has been raging at me, telling me horrible things, accusing me of all the things he probably did. I read your book back in March of 2008, and had trouble understanding this “charging neutral” I finally understand it. I get it. I think it took me a long time to understand how I needed to approach the situation. I practiced, and I finally understand. I don’t know what the outcome will be and I hope it is good, but I finally have control of my own feelings, and wont let his mistakes control my feelings anymore. Thank you again, I continue to read your submissions. Joanne
This situation is eerily similar to mine. The time table and the inability for him to come clean. The hurt that he has caused our daughter and all of the false accusations towards me. Turning things around and accusing me of having the affair, lying etc. My husband is still living at home with us and since I learned to Charge Neutral, it has become my only saving grace. I am able to control my reactions when he starts to rage at me and it takes all of the wind out of his sails. I am still struggling with the pain and rage, but it seems to be getting easier to deal with. I no longer have to deal with the abusive aspect of his anger and I think that things are pretty much over between them. I am waiting to see what the final outcome will be, but in the meantime, I continue to use the most useful tool that I have at my disposal…charging neutral and all of the emails from Dr. Bob help me get through each and every day. A lot of prayer too…I can’t do anything without the strength of my Lord and Savior!
Joanne, my story is so familiar with yours also. I found out about the affair 2-15-08, yes, right after Valentine’s Day…how nice !!! Now that my husband has lost everything, and I mean everything,brand new truck-credit-career-respect of his Sons-even me,he is begging to come home. I can’t let this masn, I love dearly, back into our Home. He has done nothing to correct this affair, he is still living with her, and nothing to prove his love to me…and everyday, I get atleast 1 phone call hinting or asking to come home. I’m a single Mom and finances are very hard right now, so No I can’t afford to purchase any of Dr. Huizenga’s Books…but hearing from other people in our situations and the email’s have helped me so much..as having the Faith I have in God. I too don’t know what the final outcome will be..all I know now is nothing has changed other then him wanting to come home. All I know now is that me and our Son’s are doing wonderful without him..I refuse to have this change. My Husband is the, “I can’t say No” affair. How ironic…all I keep saying to him is, “No”. Hang in there Joanne, I honestly think that things will only get better for us. Best Wishes…Karen