Overcoming and recovering from infidelity often means facing our personal ghosts.
And, believe it, facing those personal ghosts is usually THE best, most powerful, subtle, yet to-the-point strategy to stop the affair dead in its tracks.
Guaranteed? No, much depends on the kind of affair facing you and a few other factors.
But, believe me, it’s your best shot.
And here’s the kicker. YOU become the HUGE winner, regardless of what s/he does or the road the two of them take.
You CANNOT lose when you grab yourself by the shoulders, look into your eyes and declare to yourself and the world: “We’re gonna face this! Look out! Here we come! I will NEVER be the same!”
So, what do you face? What fear do you face?
Here’s one: the fear of the unknown.
Infidelity trashes your dreams and hopes for your future, the future of your family and relationship. You are left with a possibility – strong possibility – of being alone.
And you are not absolutely sure what that will look like.
Your future, perhaps alone, is unknown and it scares the bejeebies out of you.
I can’t state this more powerfully.
But, listen to one of my subscribers. Please.
What she says may change the flow of your life, the affair and your marriage.
Here’s her fear and how she stared it down:
I’ve wondered why I couldn’t handle the thought of my husband leaving me for “the other woman”. After all, why was I still in love with him after such a betrayal? I only knew that I couldn’t stand the thought of throwing away 22 years of marriage over something that started in a bar with one too many drinks in both of them.
Here’s what I know to be true of me. I don’t like change. I’m loyal to a fault and will fight to the bitter end if it’s something or someone I believe in.
I guess I believed in my husband. It took a year and eight months for him to come around, even though he ended it with the other woman after two and a half months. My fear of losing him made me bend over backwards to make him happy. My fears kept me from making him move out.
I blamed myself for not being “enough” for him. I finally woke up one day after him telling me for the hundredth time that he didn’t think he loved me and I left with our youngest child and the family dog.
Finally the fear of the unknown was less scary to me than living the rest of my life with someone who said he didn’t love me. I could no longer bear it and the stress of that roller coaster (it would be good for two months and then he’d say he didn’t love me again) was going to kill me!
I found out it’s what I should have done from the start. I was too afraid if I kicked him out, it would drive him right into her arms.(They also worked out of town together and stayed at the same Motel which I felt made it very easy to keep it going)
In the end, leaving took away the confusion for him and he realized he didn’t want to lose me or our family as a solid unit. Before I always sensed he had one foot out the door, but now I can tell he’s one hundred percent recommitted to me and our family.
He still works with the other woman, but I no longer fear that. I know it’s me he truly loves. So in closing, my fear of the unknown and my insecurity almost lost me my marriage.
When I developed a backbone, my husband realized he could no longer take me for granted and he finally came to see that he also had to bend over backwards for me!
Our marriage has been transformed and we have both learned that in order to have a great relationship, you have to put your partner first, even ahead of your children.
One thing I would suggest to couples dealing with infidelity is to read as many books on the subject as you can as well as books about how to have a better relationship, even if they don’t discuss infidelity. They are all a great help and you can learn something new in every book.
These things work opposite too. I bought one at http://www.gpsspousetracking.com. I proved that I was wrong and straightened my life up. Kinna opposite of what I expected (She wasn’t cheating) but either way It worked for me. Just my input…
What I always wonder about these types of stories, is why would a person want to ever take back a person who has lied and betrayed them simply because they had decided one day that they didn’t love you anymore? Why would you think that just because they came back, they now are going to love you forever and ever and it won’t happen again? You can’t trust a lier and cheater just because he has changed his mind again and decided he loves you now. Maybe the sex just got old with the other person, and he was afraid of being alone! I would rather be with someone I can trust and who has a little integrity.
I found out about my husband’s affair about 6 months after our 35th wedding anniversary. By then the affair had gone on for almost two years and he was physically and emotionally involved. Unlike the person in this story, he never once said he didn’t love me. In fact, he continued to say that he did and that he never stopped. My roller coaster was that he agreed to cut off the physical part of the affair (and I was able to prove that he did in several ways and on a number of occasions) but his emotional commitment to her was such that he wanted to stay “friends.” I let that drag on for about 4 months and then started to make it very clear that he had to make a choice – I did not leave but almost did so on two occasions, but he intervened and I stayed. I do look back and wonder if I had done what I did, and what the person in this story did, sooner, would the agony have ended one way or another sooner – who knows? I also have thought a lot today about Linda’s comment – I used to blog on these sites pretty regularly but haven’t done so for months now – but I do want to answer Linda’s question – you are correct in what you are saying for you and correct for perhaps many other people – and those of us who have chosen to stay and to try to trust again probably always ask ourselves why we would do so when this person betrayed us. For me it came down to separating my husband’s behavior from my husband as a person. He is still basically a good person who did a very bad thing. Although I didn’t make him cheat (that was his choice and his alone) I did do things that contributed to his being unhappy about our relationship – he chose the worst possible way of dealing with his unhappiness. When I sat back and really weighed all the factors relevant to our life and our marriage, I decided that as much as what he did would always hurt there was some room for redemption of our marriage. I cannot ever forget this and I don’t even think I can ever really forgive it (depending on how you define forgiveness) but I can move forward from it and chose to move forward with him as long as he chose never to be in contact with her again – and that is what he chose. Do I still “check up?” Sure. But what I will say about your comment regarding our thinking that it would not happen again is that in our current relationship we both have improved our communication and our “radar” – I am much more aware of and sensitive to things and so is he – so I do believe that he would not be able to hide things again from me if he ever were to do it again.
Marlene,
Thank you for being strong. My husband had the same type of affair and did cut off the physical part, but now she continues to pursue him with her “love note” test messages everyday. I am sure he replies. Did you deal with similar things? How did you deal with them? I am so at the beginning of my healing. I don’t want to end our marraige of 27 years and do feel we can make changes and go forward, but with the outside influence it makes it very difficult. I am not sure how to deal with her? Should I deal with her? Anyone have suggestions?
Thanks.
Hi flowergirl – all I can tell you is that, for me, it took time and it all depends on what kind of person your husband is, how much patience you have, etc.
I dealt with exactly what you are describing – he was adamant that he was going to keep seeing her and being in touch with her as a “friend” because although he didn’t want to leave me, he didn’t feel right about abandoning her. At one point he told me that she would always be in his life at some level. Although a lot of people would say to give him an ultimatum, that is, tell him to cut off all contact with the other person or else, I had people in my life, including a marriage and family therapist, who advised me not to get into a power struggle right away. I made it clear that I didn’t like his being in touch with her and that I was not going to tolerate it forever, but that I wanted to know when he saw her in person at least – I knew that they spoke on the phone almost daily. This was very hard to do and I don’t necessarily recommend it for everyone – I need to point out that during this time I was in therapy and on medication because it was very very difficult. He tried to convince me that he really could be “just friends” with her. Over time, he and I became closer and our relationship improved, but I gradually built up pressure on him and conveyed my message that I just couldn’t tolerate her in his life in any way. It became clearer to him that he did want this marriage and it really was in jeopardy if he went on seeing her. Frankly, she also got more whiny and demanding (as she felt herself losing her grip)and it became clearer to him that she could say that she wanted to be “friends” and that she wasn’t a “threat” to me, but that was not how she really felt – frankly, she went a little nuts here and there and I intercepted a few emails from her to him that he and I discussed – it helped him to see that he was dealing with what might have been a lovely person but that she was also someone who was pretty screwed up – she became too much work, too needy and no fun – too many problems – and in the meantime he was realizing that I would walk and was strong enough to do so unless he got her out of his life. Although it was hard for him, he told her that he didn’t want to see her or hear from her – she tried a few more times (calling him) and he relented a few times (taking her calls), until he finally saw that no encounter he could ever have with her would be innocent in my eyes and told her point blank that he just could not ever be in communication with her ever again because it hurt me – he did this via an email that he showed to me and her response was to write him a hateful email back – that pretty much clinched it. I will point out that I discovered the affair in Feb., he cut off contact with her in Aug., saw her again by chance in late Oct. and a few emails went back and forth until contact ended once and for all in early Nov. – so that is how long it took!
I chose this path because at the time I discovered the affair, he was so negative about our marriage that I felt that if I threw him out or left myself, he would feel that it was no great loss – if that had happened, he may have changed his mind at some point – who knows? – but I felt that I wanted him to see what he would lose, so I chose to hang in there and remind him of why he married me and still loved me, as he said he did.
Read whatever you can get your hands on – books I read included “Not Just Friends,” “After the Affair,” (which I also asked him to read), “How Can I Forgive You,” as well as all of Dr. Bob’s materials and DearPeggy stuff online – Dr. Bob had an old article on “what if he/she won’t stop seeing the other person” that I found very helpful.
I just need to repeat that the way I handled this is not right for everyone and I second-guess myself once in awhile, but although it took a long time and was excruciating for me, it ended me up where I wanted to be.
I wish you luck and hope you get what you want.
Thanks for being so open with your thoughts & experiences. My wife started an affair with a work colleague July 2007, we separated in Sept, I found out a couple of weeks later, and after trying counseling for two months – eventually followed the ‘Plan B’ Option of no contact until affair was finished. For which – she now uses as an excuse to continue relationship with him. Waited another 3-4 months – then sent a letter stating that since she had done nothing to end the other relationhsip, I was moving on. This prompted a letter from her inwhich she all but asked to come back. In it she kept re-iterating how vconfused she was, etc – and that he was pressuring her, etc about living together, etc. – and that she almost ended it with him. I waited several days to consider, then wrote back with several ‘must-do’s’ that she must do for us to start over, start slowly and rebuild our relationship. Her response – to move in with him. What should I do now? Keep moving forward – or keep waiting?
I am struggling with my husband’s infidelity. We are a black couple and he is a minister, married 17 yrs, a remarriage for both of us, 2 adult children-1 each by our previous marriages and 5 adorable grandchildren.We separated in 2004 due to financial problems and its drain on our relationship. He is a spender, always tends to impusle buy without regard for financial/credit implications. I admit I was caught up in trying to keep everything together with career, church, pursuing my college degree and family issues with the chidren not to mention being peri-menopausal. When we separated he moved into an apt about 30 miles away, got a job and got invovled with a Filapino woman 10 yrs younger than he/me. Two yrs later we agreed to reconcile and re-build our commitment and he returned home. He told me he was over her but she was devastated by our reconciliation because she thought he would eventually divorce me and marry her and so he needed me to understand his need to communicate with her to make sure she didn’t do something crazy until she got over him. He then told me it was over but continued to see her, they spoke everyday on his cell which is how I found out about the ongoing affair. We got along well except when I knew he would see or speak with her. He constantly lied to me and walked out several times to spend the night or a few days with the OP when I made my expectations clear that I would not support this situation. Each time he would call me and ask to come back. Our sex life dwindled while theirs continued. Once when I called her to confront she told me she did not care about our marriage because they loved each other and he wanted to be with her. However, he kept telling me he loved me and our home. We went to counseling and after speaking with our Pastor who advised my husband to end the affair and steps to do so, I told him the only way we could move on beyond the lies and betrayal was to inform her in front of me that her was committed to our marriage, move all of his clothes out of her house and agree to ongoing marriage counseling starting immmediately. I needed to set boundaries or else he would run all over me. He refused because her cared about her pain and just wanted to come back without any accountability to me. I sd no and he left again, this time to move in with her while waiting for me to come around. In the meantime I was laid off, had an unexpected health challenge and have been struggling while he is giving money to her for living expenses! He calls me everyday to see how I am doing and after a while I had to ask him not to call me for a while while I processed everything and made some decisions about whether to move forward or wait for him to eventually come around. She does everything for him (cultural I supposed) which he likes and is very different from the man I married. Oh and she cries non stop when he tries to leave or she thinks he stops by our home. I am attractive, take care of myself, have a career (and hopefully soon another job), keeps a nice home, family oriented, and I try to be a good wife. He sd the involvement is not my fault. For a period of time I tried to compete with her but then stopped. I am so confused! Any thoughts ?
Reply to Flower Girl:
My husband continues to communicate with the OP but still denies everything. He won’t confess or discuss any of the affair. Says it has been over for over a year but I have proof otherwise. I have never contacted the OP but plan to. I have known about the affair for over a year and am still going through all the phases. We have ben married for 23 years and the affair has gone on for at least 3 1/2 years that I am aware of and probably longer. We live 1000 miles apart so the “physical” affair is limited. I think an emotional affair is much more painful and harder to deal with. The fact that he communicates with another women and at times refuses to communicate with me is very painful.
I stay because I have children and like Marley said, he is a good father, a very good person except for the fact he has made some horrible choices. I am not sure how much longer I can go on without communicating and at least a true confession.