Confronting the other person may raise some rather disturbing information. Read what Diane says…
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
My main purpose in confronting the OP was to take back the power once I learned that my husband’s affair continued for a 15 month period after he swore that the affair had ended and we were in counseling. I could no longer exist in the craziness that had become my life. Another reason for confronting the OP was to learn how they met and what it was that my husband found so interesting about this OP that he would risk 28 years of marriage, hurting me and our children. Much to to my surprise was that the OP was morbidly obese, with multiple health problems, and a very damaged existence {incest by father, abusive marriages X 2, and troubled children}. Still yet another reason for confronting the OP was to understand what she found so enticing about my husband.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
I called the OP on her cell and she revealed to me so much information. I notified my husband about my scheduled meeting with the OP. He told me to do what I want and then he hung up on me. We hugged when we first met at a restaurant where we talked for three hours. She told me that my husband met her online by responding to an add she had placed wanting to meet the opposite sex. The OP told me that the affair had lasted three years and not the one year as claimed by my husband. My husband had convinced her that his marriage was over, that he was waiting to end the marriage in five years after our youngest child graduated from high school, and that he traveled home every weekend {he worked out of state for almost 14 months) for the sake of the children. {I had no clue that he was having an affair. Everybody including me thought that we had a perfect marriage. I learned about the affair accidently when I found a card written to him by the OP stating that she loved him for an eternity and understood that the affair must end for the sake of the children. Of course the affair continued. I learned all of this after I had resigned my postion, sold our house, and was waiting for the movers to come in four weeks. Boy was I a basket case! I lost my appetite and 20 pounds all in a four week period.} The OP at our meeting discussed their sex and confessed that she had “stalked” my son at his job, me at the market {even knew what I bought}, driven by our house, and watched my husband and I at church. One of those times at church was while we participated in a marriage recommitment service. She even made an appointment with our first marriage counselor at church to discuss what she should do. The minister counselor told her to leave our marriage alone. She also was aware of the name and location of our second counselor. It was clear at the meeting that she hoped that I would divorce my husband. as she claimed that they had a wedding date two months after my daughter graduated from high school. The OP continued to say how sorry she was. After meeting with the OP, my husband wrote her an e-mail which I read telling her that he loved his wife and family, that the affair was over, and that he had deceived her. I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer the next week. My husband was in total disbelief that I had made this appointment. The OP continued to e-mail and call my husband over a three month period. Our counselor encouraged a united front and that we not respond to any of her contacts.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would have taken action sooner when I first moved to her territory. My earlier action would have ended my drama by a year and we could have worked on healing our marriage earlier. I learned much about my husband and the other woman. As mad as I was, I learned how pathetic they were both in their deception to each other and to me.
Coach’s comments:
1. It is often incredible the kinds of distortions we hold about affairs and infidelity. Don’t we tend to think, or are lead to believe, that affairs, in reality, are exciting and where we find “it?” Often this is not the case.
2. Affairs represent and contain that which is unhealthy, that which is destructive. Affairs erode and tear down. Affairs often emerge out of desperations and deep personal unresolved, unrequited neediness.
3. Don’t you wonder what the husband was missing, what he was after? I hope he is learning and creating a new self.
Dear Diane,
I have read your summary over and over again… I have also had the terrible heartache of discovering my husband’s affair after 28 years of being married. He also works away from home and comes home on a Wednesday night and weekends. She works for him (still does). He has assured me that it’s over between them and that he never promised her anything….
As a woman it is too difficult to understand when a man says it was an exciting fling and it is now over. A couple of months (I guess at least 6 months) and he is able to ‘cut off’ and move forward??? Even if a man can do this, surely she must feel there is/was more to this affair??
Our daughters are young adults trying to make it in their respective careers and I have NOT told them about this as they will NEVER forgive their father. (They do not live in our city)
The OP did not have to stalk me – I run my husband’s office from home (bookkeeping etc) and she is on site with him and we communicated all the time as we both work for his company. They spent a weekend in OUR home while I was away at my youngest daughter’s graduation!
I do not understand that she has not left with her tail between her legs now that she has been shamed. My private detective told me that all the staff (labourers included) knew about it and cannot stand her as she is ‘powerful’ and has influence on my husband (with hiring and firing as well as job descriptions) who is one of the owners of this business.She is also not very attractive although she is 8 years younger than me. When we first met her we thought she might even be gay as she is very ‘unfeminine’. My husband has always placed emphasis on appearance and I have always groomed and dressed carefully. She is divorced and her teenage children live with her ex in another city. That means she has ZERO, ZIP, NOTHING to lose!
My question to you is: how far along are you and your husband in the healing process?? I really wish there was some way that you and I could email each other.