I haven’t shared much of my personal stuff with you…but here it goes. I think it will help all of us.
Last Thursday was a day from h-e-l-l. No, it was worse than that.
First google took my site and pushed it down, down, down on a number of keywords. Bottom line: I lost almost half of new visitors to my site. Another bottom line: my stomach started to turn and I could feel the fear and anger swirling in my chest. I’ve worked so hard building this site and a blankety blank computer swarming robot throws it away!
And, get this… I was taking my daughter home the same day (she’s married with family and helps me with break free) and I got a speeding ticket. My first in more than a decade.
I called my long-time, buddy, colleague, soul-mate, friend and confidant, Jeri Swantack, and she was delighted. No kidding!
She said, “Robert, you are going too fast!”
“No lie, I got a ticket,” I replied.
“That’s not exactly what I meant, she said. Something is telling you to stand back, look around, reorient yourself and move in the direction you REALLY want to go. Chill. It’s time for a break.”
You know what?
She was right.
Looking back over the past few months, I’ve focused on tasks that did not give pleasure, that did not fit who I am, what I’m great at.
I’ve been burning a lot of rubber but not going anywhere.
I’ve lost my direction. I’ve lost me. I’ve lost my connection to that which wants the best for me.
And I thought…
This is exactly what’s at the core of the agony of infidelity or facing an extramarital affair.
You’ve lost your self, your direction. You’ve given all to him/her, what s/he is doing or not doing.
Your life (or lack of it) focuses on what is missing, what isn’t there, what you’re not getting.
And as you do that, you become more and more frantic. You move faster and faster, trying to wring from him/her something that s/he can’t or won’t give.
And your failure to get, keeps you trying harder, trying different strategies – all focused on the pain of losing him/her and/or your dreams – all focused outside your self.
The pain accelerates. You think faster. You feel deeper. But it’s all negative emotions, thoughts and images.
So, I took a couple days off and thought about what I REALLY want.
I had a great lunch with Jeri.
I’ve slowed down.
But, I still must pay my ticket.
I really enjoyed your post.
It hit home.
A couple of months ago, I was still going in the fasr lane trying to think what I can do more to bring our relationship like it was a few yaers ago. Since I discovered my husband’s affair one year ago, I was focusing on what was missing rather than the positive. I put my negatives feelings aside and since 2 months, our life has improved greatly. My husband is very receptive and showing his feelings towards me like he never did before. We have been married 41 years, but young at heart.
Tragedy hit us in many ways. My husband had prostate cancer 3 years ago, but is now cancer free. we lost our dear daughter 4 months ago also. I work in a hospital and see a lot of sick people etc…
I concentrate on the positive and even if I know that he still contacts the OP, I try to put this aside hoping that he will eventually leave this contact with her. Incidently, she is a school sweatheart who lives over 2000km away. So contacts are letters and telephone calls.
We all have to take a few moments to think back and stop moving so fast . Enjoy what we have and think of ourselves.
I also got a speading ticket a couple of weeks ago, and my first in 20 years or so.
Thank you for all the advice you give and your great books, which helped me a lot
Charlene
I can relate. When I don’t practice acceptance of my difficult situation with my estranged husband, I lose my self-centeredness and serenity. I got a speeding ticket last summer when I “zoned” into my problems.
When I take back my power, and realize that I cannot allow an irrational, and person misbehaving irrationally with others because of THEIR PROBLEMS, I drive better. Dr. Bob’s post from a couple months ago helped, when he said people commit relationship suicide. But the only person I can control is myself. And the best way to repair thing is to face reality, accept circumstances, and not allow irrational people to suck you into their cyclones. As I stand up for myself nicely, my husband is nicer.
Plus I drive better.
That is totally me 5 years of it go go go alwayus tring to be a step ahead. Trying to be prepared for what would be next. I thought it helped — things wouldn’t hurt so much if I was prepared… wrong hurt the same. Took me a long time to figure it out to just let it go and live with how it is.
I just read an article in a magazine about gaslighting. it is a term that was used to describe manipulating and control of people. They make you think you have lost it. They undermine your every observation, such as “my cell phone is not accepting a charge”…”You are sooo stupid! That is not what is wrong!” This is a small example, but when you approach them about their where abouts or what is going on and they become verbally abusive and make you feel over bearing for just asking!! Well, there is a very good reason for asking if you are being verbally abused. I would put money on a spouse being defensive (and offensive) to hide their infidelities. They want to but time so they are the ones making up their mind whether they think the realtionship is worth keeping…or maybe this other thing would be more fun…leave her with the kids and get your freedom back and have your kids when you want them…peeeerfect!!! You may say I am angry. maybe I am, but does this ound fair?? The laws are written to support this sort of behavior anf therapists!!!don’t get me started on these people!!!
I can relate to this as well as far as your mind not being in a place that it is suppose to be. I work as a cashier and I have never had so many problems with my windows balancing before my husbands infidelity started. I have been so focused on what to do, what to say, and where to go that I cannot think about anything else.
We will be married 40 years in August but he is living in his own place and I in mine for over a year now. I can’t stand this way of living and everytime I try talking to him, it just doesn’t work. I end up with a screaming match. I cannot understand why he thinks that everything is going to be his way or no way. He says that he is not still in contact with OP but I can’t bring myself to believe him. He lied to me for almost 2 years about not talking to her and I found out that in fact he was. I told him that I could forgive him for the affair but I couldn’t keep forgiving him for what he continued to do. He cannot understand that, I guess. He just keeps telling me that he has not talked to OP in a long time but that’s what he kept saying all the while that he was still “talking”.
I am on a 3 day suspension from work due to my variances in my bank window and if I do anything else wrong within the next year, it will mean my job. I am trying to get to a point where I don’t care about what he does, but I just haven’t gotten there yet. If God’s willing, I will soon.
It’s hard after being with someone since you were 16 years old to not be with them now. It’s a part of you that is missing. I think it would be easier when you lose someone in death rather than this way. At least you would know why your loved one is gone, not just because they think they have not been loved or not babied, if you will, as much as they think they should have been.
To Lacy
This is the first time I reply to someone on the blog.
I was always being cautious. But when I read you also have been married 40 yeras, I guess this is one thing we have in common.
We are living together and have been apart like you. However, what we also have in common is the fact that your husband is lying to you about contacting the OP.
I know that my husband is also contacting the OP, but she is living far away. I just hope that he will soon realize that she is taking him for a ride…
It hurts me though and he doesnt know that I know, but he is also showing a great deal of affection towards me and very loving. This was not the case a year ago.
I want to tell you that you should think of yourself and as you mentioned you may lose your job as you make mistakes. You have control of your thoughts Lacy and when you feel that you have these negative feelings, just try to switch to positive. if you go too fast in the negative fast lane , you may end up getting a speeding ticket too.
Take care of YOURSELF. Only you can control this.
Charlene
To Lacy
Sorry- typing error. I meant we have Never been living apart like you and your husband
When did you find out about the OP?
Charlene
Charlene,
I found out about his affair about 4 months after it started. I had a suspected it but didn’t know for sure. Then I finally found out for sure and I just wanted him away from me. I couldn’t believe what he had just told me. This has been almost 3 years ago and it still isn’t any easier than it was the first time that I heard it.
He is claiming still that he is not talking to OP but the way that he acts makes him seem guilty as sin. Matter of fact I told him again tonight that if he would just show me his detailed phone bill that I could get past it, but he still refuses to do what I ask. He told me if I couldn’t get over this “Mickey Mouse” Bull— that it wasn’t never going to work. But you tell me, I have tried to get over it but without proof that he is not lying to me, still, I can’t get past that. I want to see for myself that he is not talking to her and he told me that he didn’t have to prove a thing to me. That if I love him I wouldn’t ask him for anything like that. I honestly have tried to get over it, but without seeing proof after the length of time that he was lying, I just can’t make myself trust him. And I also told him that if he wasn’t willing to do that for me then he didn’t love me the way that he says he does.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want what he won’t give and I can’t give what he wants. I told him that he couldn’t have it all his way, there had to be some comprimise and he’s not willing. It’s either his way or no way.
But hopefully I will get over this before long, I don’t want to keep going over the same thing all the time. I guess I want what he can’t give and I have no control over that. I can say it but I am having a hard time dealing with that. But I will.
Thanks for the reply and good advice.
Lacie
My story is so unique and not short, I can’t find anything that comes close to it on your website. I’ve been married 40 years. My husband had an affair 38 years ago. I’m going to call him Jake.
I was so deeply in love, happy and secure in my marriage. I was living a fairy tale life. I married the love of my life, I always knew he was the man that I was going to marry someday… he just didn’t know it. He was the most popular boy in our school and every girl wanted him. He never dated me in school… my dad was very strick. We stated dating after school… off and on…. there was nothing wrong with my looks. I had plenty of dates, but I wanted only one man and that was Jake. We live in a small town where everybody knows everybody. We had a huge wedding… I was a virgin on our wedding night… I saved myself for him and that was my special gift to him.
About 3-1/2 years into my marriage, I was pregnant with our 2nd child when we were invited to a New Years Eve party. We were not there 10 minutes when I noticed my husband passionately kissing another woman (a woman I knew) on the dance floor (right in front of me)… I went into total shock… I felt like someone had kick me in the gut… it was so out of left field… I never saw it coming. In fact, I got so sick to my stomach I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I had such total trust in my husband. In that one swift moment, my trust for my “love of my life” was gone. We left the party right after that… I made a fool of myself in front of all our friends… I started crying and wanted to go. That was the beginning of the end for me. (Little did I know at that time, he was already sleeping with this other woman). He did the very same thing with the same woman at the next New Year’s party. Anyway, when we got home from both parties, I was crying… I kept asking “what was going on” and he said it meant nothing… just a kiss… just happened that one time and again that one time. I accepted his word. But, for the next several years I lived with all these suspicions everytime he went out the door. When I asked questions why he was late, where was he going, what woman was he with, etc., he always had an answer. He was either at the town’s tavern or the bowling alley. He said I was just being jealous. I bought everything he told me because I wanted so desperately to believe him. I would not let myself believe otherwise. I would hear a rumor here and there around town, but I pretended it was nothing. I would not let the unforgivable word “affair” enter my mind. i was in total denial. He denied, denied and denied anything was ever going on and that’s what I wanted to hear. I told myself, he could be telling the truth I was a complete fool and down deep I knew it. I let him treat me like dirt.
Around the 10th year of marriage, out of the blue, someone came right out and told me that my husband had been sleeping with OW (a neighbor). That was the first time I had actually heard the words spoken out loud. I found out that the whole town knew what was going on with my husband and OW.. I felt pitied and such a fool. One consolation I hung onto, I knew the OW and knew without a doubt, that it wasn’t love on my husband’s part. It hit me like a ton of bricks… It hit me so hard. All the suspicions I lived with the last 7 or 8 years were nothing compared to the actual raw truth. I still found myself still not wanting to believe it. I finally force myself to accept that it really did happen. By this time, the OW had already moved out of the community 3 years earlier. I confronted my husband several times over the next several weeks for some kind of explanation, anything from him, I begged for him to help me understand. He still denied anything went on. He denied everything. I begged him to talk to me… the last time, he got mad and walked out. That was it for me. I was a mess for a long time and he could see what I was going through, but never said a word to me. He wanted everything to go away and everything to go back to normal. I even loath myself for still wanting this man that threw me away so easily. I went through all the emotions and depression all by myself. I couldn’t talk to anybody about it… I felt so alone and so ashamed. I wanted to hide from everybody in town.
That was 30 years ago. What I did in order to survive, yes I considered it survival. I remember the exact time that I sat down and I made a pledge to myself that I was going to “fall out of love” with my husband. I had 2 small children and no job. For the next few years, I worked at hating him. I pretended in front of my family and everybody that everything was okay with the world. I did get to the point of not caring for him, even having no feelings for him at all. When we had sex, I held back all emotions. All I had to do was picture him and OW and that did it for me. I swore that I would never ever surrender myself so completely to him again or show any real passion in our love making. That somehow eased my pain. I felt like I had my own secret from him. It just was mechanical sex for me. He seem to accept that. As far as I could tell, he never fooled around after that. I think he just forgot everything that happened and thought i did too.
Around 5 years later, I got a job and that’s when I started to feel good about myself again. I focused on my children and my job. Over the last 30 years, Jake did seem to change. I could tell he was trying to show me he was sorry in every way without saying he was sorry. He seem to forget about our confrontation as the years went by. I buried everything so deep that I began to believe it never really happened. My husband just thought that I forgot everything or that I believed him and everything was okay with his world. Little did he know, I left him 30 years ago, he just didn’t know it.
Then, I actually started to have feelings for my husband again… I’d say in the last 10-15 years… I could see the change in him. But, I could not open up to him because of everything that went down all those years ago. It just became a way of life for me, not feeling anything for him.
My husband retired 7 years ago and we moved out of our home town. We built a new home 35 miles away. We were living in a community that knew nothing about our past… nothing about Jake’s affair. I felt like I was on equal ground with our neighbors… About this time, all this stuff that I had buried inside was beginning to come to the surface. In the last year, I became more and more distant with Jake. I started thinking about everything that went down all those years ago. The sex slowed down almost to non-existent. I started wanting to feel again, but I couldn’t. Finally, I made up my mind that we were going to have that very long overdue talk.
I was scared to death, because I didn’t know if he would keep denying the affair. One night, I made myself sit down and I told him to sit down, we needed to talk. I came out and asked him if he was happy with the way our marriage was going. He said “no.” I than said that all these years I knew he had an affair with OW. He came out and said ‘yes” he did have an affair. He said he was stupid. I was so relieved that he finally admitted it, yet I didn’t know how to feel. That was the beginning of my “healing” — that was 7 months ago. It took 6 months for him to tell me everything that went on back then. he didn’t want to tell me… he kept saying it was in the past and meant nothing to him now. He said he loved me and that’s all that mattered. I kept after him to tell me everything or I couldn’t heal. There was a lot that I never knew. It took a lot of talking and he finally admitted that the affair went on for 3 years… longer than I originally thought. I found out also that he took up with a woman at the bowling alley after OW left town… he said all that was, was fooling around on the dance floor… he sneaked off with another woman (at a party) for 5 minutes… just fooling around. Then he told me about another woman (the last time for him)… that he spent about 2 hours with in a car (he said there was no sex). What he considers sex, was intercourse. He thought all the fooling around was not as bad. He told me that he only had sex twice… and that was with OW, the 3-year affair. He said the first time was in her cabin at the lake (where he says it happened so fast, it was over before it started), the second time they went to a motel (where he said he couldn’t get it up) and the 3rd time was at her house (where he said he finally accomplish it, he also said they had oral sex that night) and the 4th time was at our house when I was out of town. He said he never had sex in our home???? He said they just fooled around. He admitted to being with OW approx. 15 times in that 3 year period. Most of the time with OW was outside the tavern (in our home town) and the bowling alley either in her car or his truck. She would always be at the tavern and bowling alley when Jake was there. Jake just thought nobody would tell me.
All this was just like it happened yesterday to me. To him, it was so long ago, he can’t remember a lot of it. He said none of it meant anything to him. He said he always loved me… and on and on. he can’t remember a lot of it…. so, he tells me.
It took 6 months to get all this out of him. I went through the 7 steps (email) “Healing after an Affair.” My husband went through it too. Our sex life has been great these last 7 months. But, I’m still having a hard time getting past everything… it was so much worse than I originally thought. I dwell on it and I dream about it. I feel like my memories of my children’s early years are taken from me because of the time line all this was going on. I could not understand why I couldn’t see it.
I know my husband loves me now and has tried so hard to make it up to me. But, I’m still having doubts that he has told me everything… He says he can’t remember kissing the woman at those two New Year’s Eve parties that started everything for me. he can’t remember doing it. I can’t seem to forget how he made a fool out of me in front of all our friends, everybody in town knew about it accept me. I’m having a hard time accepting that he has told me everything. I regret not forcing all this out 30 years ago. I feel like the last 30 years was such a waste. I feel that he has not suffered like I have for 30 years. I hate him at times for making me surfer for so long. He just forgot all about it and moved on. He never really suffered like I did. I still love my husband. I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s still holding back something… maybe, I just scared to be happy. Maybe it just takes more time. I don’t know.
Bobbie JO
hi this is the first time ive actually spoke about my husbands affair i find it hard to admit he did what he did we have only been married two yrs no time at all compared to u guys so much has happened in the last 4 monthes ill start at the beginning i knew something wasnt quite right early to work home late hiding his phone we both work nights he would be in bed when i got home he was so distant so one tues night before work i confronted him and asked him what was going on i asked him out right are u seeing someone else he stalled went to the loo i assume to pluck up courage to tell me he came down and told me he had fallen for someone else my heart was broken he had always been a drinker that night after more than a few drinks he got nasty i had to get him removed by the police as he was leaving he was txting the ow that night when he was released he told me it had only been going on for 2 weeks and hed only kissed her i didnt no what to believe he lied to me over the last few weeks and he would never see her again and that he loved me i couldnt get my head round that if you love someone why would u look else where why would u hurt them i really struggled the next few weeks i couldnt get it out of my head we rowed constantly i wanted to no details but they hurt so much then one night i got a txt from him saying dont be mad at me and dont be angry at what im going to do i just knew hed had done something stupid i came hoe to find him onconscious on the lounge floor he had taken every tablet in the house guilt had overwhelmed me for giving him a hard time about the affair he came out of hospital with acute depression and was off work times were extremely hard i hated coming home from work to a man who was lifeless he was drinking heavily i didnt no how bad as most of the time i was at work tryin to keep a roof over our head then one orning he ad mitted he had a drink problem so he went into detox hes been drink free since ive tried really hard to mend our marriage but my husband shows me no affection at all our intimate relationship is non existant i wonder most of the time am i wasting my time and effort on this man as for love i dont no anymore he lost his job last week for slashing the ow tyres just when i think im moving on something else reminds me of her do we ever get over the hurt the lies and trust issues