Should you confront the other woman?
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
My purpose of confronting the other woman was to try and get her to understand the pain and devastation she was inflicting on me and my sons. I asked her if she knew or understood the pain she has caused me. I have spent 31 years of my life with this man and she is encouraging him by staying with him…now keep in mind she had already moved in with my Ex. She had been living with him several months prior to my confrontation.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
Well, basically, nothing happened. I did the talking and she said nothing. She wouldn’t even look at me! The outcome was this, she had claimed to have been abused in some way as my Ex told me. I found later she claimed to have been raped…hmm…another long story but, I did tell her if she was abused in anyway, I’m sorry I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. Before I left I hugged her. She gasped! She wasn’t expecting that and I didn’t have a clue I was going to do this! Well, I found out later that day she told my Ex that I had met her and my Ex had the nerves to say to me, if you want me to TRUST you, you better tell me everything truthfully from now on????
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would not do it again! I learned that it is a waste of time to talk to my Ex’s other woman. They are completely not in their right minds! My Ex’s ow showed no remorse…none whatsoever. She absolutely did not care!
Coach’s comments:
1. One is usually beating his/her head against a brick wall if the intent is to gain empathy and understanding from the other person. This might happen in the “I want to be close to someone, but can’t stand intimacy affair” and the “I need to prove my desirability.” But, even if a person gains empathy and understanding, is that really going to help? Wouldn’t you want empathy and understanding from your spouse?
2. Do I sense some underlying frustration, sense of helplessness? Did she want to engage her/him in some way, and they either lacked the capacity for that kind of engagement or flat out refused to do so.
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
Well i noticed blocked calls on the cell bill, at the same time every day. I took it upon myself to answer his cell at the time she called. She hung up on me. He came up with some stupid story. I wasn’t buying it. He told me who it was. This person I knew of, from when we were dating. A college friend he was intimate with, that if he wanted to be exclusive with me, he had to kill that friendship. There was no pressure – because he and I were good friends, but if he wanted exclusivity that had to end. So he ended it. Then when we get married he ends up talking to her secretively. She had recently gotten married. I only had proof of conversations nothing else. So I called her to let her know how I felt about it (again). She said she understood. They said they had never seen each other. The calls stopped. A few months later, I could just tell something wasn’t right with my husband, as we all (know when something is wrong) or there is a disconnection. So I went through some things and found that they were still communicating through work and her cell. So if she is that important it has to more than communication. So I hunted and found out that they did have intercourse when the kids and I went on a trip. I was ready to divorce, its something so painful for me…I never imagined I would go through. I had to let her know how I felt, and I told her some pretty nasty things about herself. And let her know that I would be relentless in getting this information to her husband. I found out where he worked, I called, but he didnt call back. I think that she gave him some simple story to believe. So I just wrote him a note…with the details and dates, how long they have been talking, about our conversations and what my husband said she told him about her own marriage. My husband has come clean in an effort to keep us. I was nice to them at first I feel, but to continue talking…and to actually have an affair with this woman. Her husband deserves the right to know. I caught wind that she has told people that I have completely blown things out of proportion, trying to make it seem like I just ‘think’ they had an affair, when in fact my husband has admitted to everything. I hope her husband calls me. he deserves the right to know.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
Well i will have to keep you posted on that. From me calling him at work, I could only give him a tid bit of information. I can only imagine that he called her, and approached her with it. I believe she already had her story planned out, and knew just what to say to make him not call me. But hopefully when he reads the letter explaining in full detail, he will see what the deal is. I called her house and left 2 messages but she then changed the number, then called my husband and said “Get control of your wife before I give her an earful.” Why in the world did she do that? That was it right there. So we shall see what happens.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would do it again. Depending on the outcome, and how my husband responds, I will know better if I would have done it again. Because the fact that he didnt just end the conversations when he had me thinking they were just conversations speaks volumes of his integrity and how serious he is about our family. We have only been married 3 years, he has been talking to her for 2 years. If he gets mad at what I did (because I did not tell him), but if he does, then that means he cannot and does not want to turn his back on her, and cares more about what she goes through than he does what WE go through, in that instance I have a jerk for a husband without true remorse for what he did, and should have left long ago. I think that he is still in contact with her as they know I am trying to get this information to her husband. But I know when her husband calls her about whats in that letter, my husband will probably get a phone call at his job from her. I have the people at his job in my corner, when i approached them, they couldn’t wait to tell me about some woman calling all the time. But they couldn’t say it, I had to ask…so they will tell me. (smile) I told her husband that we need to set up a time, to talk and have both of them right there without a forewarning and humiliate the hell out of both of them. I am certainly humiliated. People at his job know… I even called her parents and told them…. she should be shamed of herself. So If my husband turns the other cheek, then we didnt have anything to begin with. As you can see I am still bitter and pissed as I am still in the middle of it. We shall see what happens.