Charging neutral is all about your emotions. What are they? How do you express them? Where do you feel them? When do you begin to feel them? What do you do when you begin to feel them? What are the thoughts that accompany the feelings? What do you do with those thoughts? Is there another part of you that stands backs and knows your feelings are emerging? Can that part take action?
Aware of your emotional energy is vital in managing your feelings and fears, especially of being alone, when coping with infidelity.
Charging neutral is managing your emotions. Here’s an example:
1. Tell me your story. How have you used “Charging Neutral” and tell me exactly what happened?
I never knew that what I was doing was “charging neutral”. Thank you for putting a name to it and (very important) giving me more information about this. I never would have dreamed the implications of this behavior without your input. every time I read about this technique in your newsletters I am more and more empowered. My husband abandoned his affair a few months ago. The OP took a job 1000 km’s away. I think that this happened because I refused to react to their relationship. At the time she took the other job, the affair was already waning, but I think my calm stance (due to your ongoing advice, thank you) made her give up. There were many times I felt like confronting her or him, giving the affair my full-blown attention and all the emotional energy that goes along with a confrontation like that. Your emails stopped me. Thank you. It worked. My children were spared all the drama and upset., I was spared the sordidness of a fruitless confrontation. I know that i might have to face this at some other time, but charging neutral will help me through it again.
Because of various things that have happened and some evidence to the effect, I suspected that my husband has had at least an emotional affair with someone for several years now. When I asked him about it (and I did ask more than once), and actually named the person, he refused to answer about his involvement with the person and either stonewalled me or changed the subject. My gut instinct is that he is emotionally involved, or was, anyway. Of course, I know that we have other problems in our marriage, but I always felt that if he would meet me half-way, we could work the out. Unfortunately, he has steadfastly refused to have anything to do with meeting me at all to communicate his issues. Several months ago though, he just walked out- no fight or emotional event precipitated this, he just said that he was leaving, and now lives with his parents. Unfortunately for me, we have a house on the edge of his parents’ property. This makes it difficult for me because he now has a safe warm haven to hang out in, he can come and go as he pleases, and he can use our home as he pleases also- that is continue to have free access and keep all his stuff there, too! What a set up- talk about having your cake and eating it, too! His parents just allow this- they are his parents, after all. I had one talk with his mother, and basically my impression is that she will be there to support him- well, I guess what else can a mother do. However, if he was my kid, I’d kick him out, and send him home to work it out either to a divorce, or reconcilliation without my involvement. He has still not done anything aggressive about our joint checking account so I get this feeling that at the moment, he is willing to let it continue this way. However, that still puts him in charge of the situation. Although I continued to reach out to him to get back together, he refused to engage in any meaningful conversation. Now, since he has essentially abandoned our marriage, and I see no sign of reconcilliation possible, I have taken action to move to divorce. For the sake of his family, who I dearly love, I have asked him to work on what is called a “collaborative divorce”. I love this man, but at this point, I see no reason to keep beating my head against the wall. Here is someone who refuses to talk, who, I think, wants to end the marriage, but who, I believe, is unwilling to take the responsibility to end it. I cried almost everyday for 2 years as I watched our marriage fall apart. All my efforts to save the marriage were wasted. I think that I was probably taking responsibility for the marriage for years now, and this is the problem- he didn’t. I still have tears now and then, but realize that I am forming a new life even as this drama is going on. Although I am nervous about the future and what it holds for me, I see possibilities for a more meaningful and full life for me- just not quite what I envisioned years ago. By the way, we have been married for 34 years.