Whose problem is infidelity anyway? The “wounded spouse” often believes there is something intrinsically wrong with her or the marriage that resulted in a chearting spouse.
This is far from the truth. The problem, the patterns and themes in the cheating spouse, resulted in the affair. This reader says:
It (my ecourse) gave me some hope that I would be able to focus on myself and let go of him and his destructive choices. It helped me see that the problem was inside of him, that it was a fault in his coping/relational skills and not something that was caused by me not being the perfect wife (or the “wrong wife” as he liked to tell me for many years).
Now, this is often difficult: getting clarity about the status of the other relationship AND the level of connection or willingness to connect with the spouse.
This reader states:
At first I was shocked and yes very hurt. While I want my husband back in my life, I am looking at how he feels not only about me but how he feels about the op. During counseling he finally admitted the affair. Today when I asked where the affair stood. He asked that I not blame the op. I told him I could not have him back until he could be sure he was over her. I could not replace her. So he had to be sure. While I am still hurt I do not feel the anger I felt before. Right now I just want to be sure that he does really love me and wants to make a life with me.
I just found out that my husband of 11 yrs. had an affair with his X for maybe up to 3-4 yrs. I’m so stupid I should have figured out in July 2006 at his daughters wedding when I was treated like I wasn’t even there. first of all; all Mothers were respected (walked down to the line) NOT ME & danced with even a soon to be x step father was danced with, but NOT ME? My husband took pictures with his X & daughter I was NOT INCLUDED! He even asked if he could give his X a ride in our new truck 20′ on pavement to the reception he said (OUT OF CONSIDEREATON FOR HER EVEN WITH HER SOON TO BE X UP THERE AT THE WEDDING)!! He also did nothing but bash his X’s soon to be X to everyone up at the wedding & his X’s family of whom wouldn’t even talk to him before now LOVED HIM AGAIN? His adult kids were involved all the way putting her tent 12 pace’s from our front door of our new 5th wheel for convenance; it was bad enough that I had to let her(the X) shower in my 5th wheel how insulting! I later found that my medication I had to take because I’m a chrones patient a pill crusher that he put (crushed)clonipin in my drink (diet Pepsi) so that later they could have a great time in her tent on her DOUBLE AERO BED ( WHY I SAY THAT IS A FEW YRS. LATER HE SAID THAT THE AERO BEDS WERE GREAT YOU COULD LAY THERE AND ADJUST IT YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO MOVE LIKE AN EXPEREANCE WITH GESTURES & ALL! He of course shut up quickly, but answered that HE had seen it on an advertisement (he was so into it you could tell it was an experiance not an advertisment! He thought he was so smart that he saw her or may even still be seeing her during her day’s off because she is in retail how conveneant! We had to spen holidays with his kids and his X and when Christmas came around I told him that I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to visit with his X and watch him google eyed all over her body, but he said I can’t do that to my kids who the hell was he married to! Then he started hiding his cell phone, cell bill, dressing up,when I asked for a copy of the phone bill her work,cell,home were on it they were calling to each other up to 9 times a day! He said that he gave his youngest daughter his phone at night, but the call were during the day and then he must of forgotten to get from her, also we had minutes and she could rack up a $1500.00 bill in a week! I saw them one day following each other over to her house & after that day my keys to my car and cell phone came up missing on the days they were having fun I guess, he told me that I was just lossing things and had convinced my family & friends of the same and to follow me because he was druging me more(saying it was me so that they would follow me to clear the way for him as well and also get my Dr.’s upset by hiding my meds. so that it would look like I was over using them, then he had been hideing my charts , I keep all my meds. written down for next dosage (so they would not be dangerous unlike he told my family & friends she wants to die HA HA!! If I wanted to die so bad why would I want my charts so badly (they also were locked up & he had the only other key)? He planned well making My Dr’s think it was me UNTIL THEY CAUGHT HIM IN 5 LIES ON SPEAKER PHONE!!! He had me locked up as BI-Polar & convenance; of which NO bi-polar med. worked on me and my phyc. Dr. admitted that a 46 yr. old doesn’t just become ill with bi-polar at my age!! Oh another thing ever since she has been alone she has moved 3 times, but NO MORE THAN 3-5 MINS. AWAY FROM OUR HOME & HIS WORK and NO BOYFRIEND IN SIGHT????? I still am HURT, CRUSHED & in disbelief, I took all of these things to my counselor and all she could say is well if he is staying just love him and forget about it because he will never admitt his infedelity! He also has changed some habbits in the love making department of which HURT TERRIBLY. I feel so alone and have no where to turn Please help me get through this some how???
The most obnoxious scrolled ad (Cheater Cheater) won’t go away and is blocking Dr. Huizenga’s blog. It slides across and permanently parks in front of text. If this continues, I will stop all mailings.
just click the x in the circle in the top right corner and it will go away.