Where does the problem lie when one has an extramarital affair?
It is extremely common for the “wounded spouse” to question his/her adequacy and engage in a myriad of what ifs… what if I did this.. or that.
Part of the healing from an extramarital affair comes when the wounded spouse realizes that s/he is not at fault. That there was in reality probably little s/he could have done to prevent the extramarital affair.
For example, read the responses below to my survey question on my e-course.
1. How has this E-course helped you change the way you feel, think and act as you face infidelity. Give examples, if you can.
It has helped me word my thoughts better and has also made me understand that some of the things I may be doing and saying is hindering our recovery.
I have shifted focus onto myself instead of letting his affair consume my every thought. I have come to realize that the fact that he had an affair was his choice in dealing with his inability to communicate how he was feeling to me and had nothing to do with me. I am okay most of the time and feel a calm within myself. I have found your information very empowering. Also having the chance to read and discuss thoughts with others experiencing the same feelings has been great.
It has helped me realize that I am not the problem and that I must take care of my needs.
I have benefited from the information personally more than with my spouse. Unfortunately he did leave our home, me and our three boys over a year ago and is living in the house with the woman that he is involved with and her two boys. I haven’t discussed anything about our relationship with him for about two-three weeks because I realize after reading your info I have been doing things all wrong . I was trying to save the marriage with questions and working at fixing things, I know now that it hasn’t helped. I do feel more peace after reading Break free and recieving tha emails , but I do really deep down miss him , our boys miss him and I do still feel that their is a marriage to save, he is really carrying alot of guilt and unworthiness. I have learned that our marriage wasn’t really the problem, his own insecurities are what drove him away.
Do you ever heal from an extra marital affair..every other day i have a hole in my stomach..not knowing if he is still seeing other woman..but i have to focus on my well-being because i never know if he will leave me for her..so i want to be able to stand on my two feet because when i found out about affair(s) i was devastated i wanted to commit suicide..but i now know that it had to do with his personal neediness and the narcissistic need for intense flattery. an affair is not the answer…
we are 8 months passed when I found out. Am I better today than that day? YES! I still get that feeling in my stomach and I still worry but we are in such a better place. WHenever I feel the need to have a question answered, I ask it. He’s been really good about doing that. Will I ever trust 100%??? Probably not but that doesn’t mean I can’t love him 100%…this time with eyes open for sure.
We are in the calm phase of his affair, have a loving relationship and are now trying to work out regaining true, genuine intimacy. Except for one major problem, I am still stuck in his story. It changed several times as he told me what happened and still don’t believe that I know the whole story. I have hope that we can regain the intimacy we once had, but not if I can’t completely trust him. I’m not sure if I have to know it all to move on. But most of all, I have hope…a tiny spark of hope. Or all of this energy trying to fix it would be wasted. TALK to people. I didn’t. It made things SO much harder. Talking and being validated helps the move forward.