In this case study we examine the issue how to deal with disrespect and criticism. She attempts to remedy a difficult situation by setting appropriate boundaries.
1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
Initially, my husband blamed me for his affair saying I worked too many hours, abandoned him and the family, didn’t love him, didn’t make him the center of my universe like the OP, didn’t support him in his job, was too controlling, had too many rules, was manipulative. He also accused me of having an affair myself or said I would have an affair if I didn’t already. He searched and searched but found no evidence of such an affair, because there was none. Since our recent separation, he now uses the kids as a way to criticize me..saying I will turn the kids against him, that I talk too much about our marital problems, am to emotional and upset the kids, I am keeping the kids from seeing him because I won’t let him hang out at our house. He makes plans with the kids and does not inform me until right before they leave, showing up unexpectedly and surprising me. He takes the kids on trips and doesn’t inform of exactly where they are going and when they’ll be back. He comes in our house when I am not home or barges in unexpectedly on the premise of needing to get something. At my sons soccer games, he will stand right behind me the whole time even though I have indicated I don’t want to be seated near him at kids events. I can’t always move because our other son is with him and I don’t want to seem like I am ignoring our son.
2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?
What has worked best is shutting down all communication except to discuss the kids or money. I have requested that most communications be in the form of text or email. I have asked him to leave our home when I am home because he makes me uncomfortable being there. I sit away from him at the kids events. I make little to no eye contact. I am working on my own self esteem and self care so that as I go stronger, I am starting to recognize the disrespect when it is leveled at me,so that I can not buy into it and fight back verbally when it happens. The hardest part is recognizing how my husband’s disrespect of me is playing out with my sons disrespect of me. I am setting boundaries with them and demanding that they treat me with respect. It is much easier now that I am alone and don’t have my husband in the home to undermine the moral climate I am trying to maintain in the home. .I have set up expectations for my sons behavior and communications with me and established consequences for noncompliance. I am trying to be less of a doormat. As I start to create and fight for my own life, instead of living and doing for everybody else first, denying my own needs, I am gaining respect of my family. I need to respect myself before anyone else can respect me.
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