This case study illustrates the importance of what I call charging neutral. The bottom line: place yourself in a position in which you, with an inner calm and strength, can state your position and concerns, your version of the truth, with clarity.
Few words. Powerful, pointed words, however.
Charging neutral is easier said than done. It took this woman 2 months to get to the point where she was ready. Note what she had to do to get to that point of confronting him with power, calm and the truth.
Case Study:
When I suspected he was having an affair, I suffered not knowing for sure. I had low self-esteem because I was overweight, so before I confronted him, I worked out for two months. I told myself I had to look better in order to empower myself through better self-esteem. When I looked better, I wrote him a long letter and asked him to read it, discussing our marriage, my feelings, his bad treatment of me, but didn’t mention the affair suspicions. I wanted to confront him with that face to face to see his eyes, his reaction. The letter broke the wall between us, then I used that opening to ask him. He admitted to it, said he was already going to end it, he was sorry, and didn’t want me know or be hurt. I am still in so much pain…but it was a beginning, and hopefully we will see this through, and I will find peace in my heart one day.
2. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.
self improvement has been the best..losing weight, more care about my appearance. But I still suffer….it has been 7 months since I confronted him. But exercise and self improvement, and asking him to aknowledge how badly I hurt has helped.
I thought that I was happily married for the first 23 of our eventual 25 year marriage. Our continued sexual relations during the last two years made it hard for me to believe that I was not either guilty or paranoid for not believing my husband’s explanations for a multitude of changes in his behavior. I knew who the paramour was, I had evidence, but she was his much younger employee and our child was just starting 9th grade, I so wanted to believe him. I was working full time in a town an hour away, so our time together was precious to me. One day, as he was leaving for work, I begged him to stay and discuss what was going on. He got a glinty steel pinpoint pupiled look and hissed: “I am going to divorce you!” It was so angry and so blood curdling that I expected the papers by that evening. But nothing happened. Weeks went by and it was never mentioned again. His sister called for our son when he wasn’t at home and asked me where we were in our divorce process. I said we were not in the process as far as I knew.
Then one morning, he completely forgot who he was making love to, clearly relating to me as the OW. I said nothing until after the fact, then told him that I felt like a prostitute. He left for work and I went to an attorney and filed for separation. I had him served at work, where I assumed they all knew what he was up to. It was time to fish or cut bait. He could chose to give her up, or he could leave.
My attorney said that my husband would just countersue for divorce, but that was OK with me as all I wanted was for the pain, and the tears, and the paralysis to end. If it was what he wanted it was what he could have, and what he should have done months or years earlier. He did countersue for divorce, I decided after mandatory mediation, and his Harvard attorney’s continued demands for everything including full custody, just to go to court. He sobbed through the entire trial while I was grilled on the stand for 4 hours straight. He refused to pay the child support, and the spousal support ordered by the court due to his much greater salary after I gave up a good job so we could move for his job. That was the last communication we ever had. He wouldn’t talk to me about anything including his visitation. We had gone from shared checking, co-parenting and husband and wife to his total non-communication and denial that our marriage had ever existed after that day in court.
Intelectually, I handled it all very well. I made good decisions, got on my feet financially, and relocated across the country after our son left home for college due to the small town and small population of the state where we had been a couple for 20+ years. It hurt too much to constantly come face to face with friends that we had together in places that we had shared so much of our lives. Others are uncomfortable around the dumpee when they still are in contact with the dumper and the “new” woman (who had been around for quite a long time.)
Our divorce was final on December 23rd, 2003. Emotionally, it has been the most challenging period of my life. There hasn’t been any spark when meeting new men. I have had fun, given relationships time to develop, and broken them off when I find them more effort than reward. Now 57, my life looks good on the surface. Full time job with great salary and benefits, own a beautiful home, go running on the trails with my big dog, won my age division in the local marathon last summer and have taken some adult education courses. I put my energy and spirit into my work which is usually very fulfiling. Sometimes I wonder if I only think that I miss having a partner. But I suspect that after seven years, I still really do. I am just so darn independent now that it will take someone really, really special to see anything in me. I am not holding my breath, but I continue to remain open to the idea. My ex married the lover a few years ago, for better or for worse… She recently took a job several hours away and they are living apart.
What admiration I have for a woman like you..You are an inspiration and please be proud of what you’ve done, and of who you are. All who have been there know that you do not come out the other end the same person..but you appear to be an amazing woman, with strength you probably never gave yourself credit for, before all of this..I wish for love in your life, and send you my gratitude and a big hug for sharing such a painful story.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I am hanging in there but it isn’t getting a great deal easier… Yet, when I think of having to make it all work for “him” I know that there is way more to life than that!!!