A common plea: But, we’re “just friends.” However the “emotional connection” is quite obvious by the amount of time spent in communication and the “vibes” that are set off.
These emotional connections often arise at work or in a social context in which working intensively toward a common goal consumes energy.
Here are a few observations of the “just friends” emotional affair:
1. This person often struggles knowing where to draw the line. S/he often throws him/herself into something 100%. Other aspects of his/her life may suffer or be ignored. There often is a lack of personal balance between family, work, self care.
2. He/she struggles with intimacy. (I want to be close to someone, but don’t like intimacy.) The “just friends” emotional affair means neither spouse nor OP (other person) ever get “intimate.” Neither relationship is fully consummated or has potential for growth.
3. Of course the “just friends” comment means either “stay away” or I’m, underneath all this, really confused about where I fit in relationships, what I want from them, or what they mean to me. There is an “emotional connection” to the OP that defies description. A sad kind of “stuckness or lostness.”
The lover or “falling in love” emotional affair has a different twist.
The common complaint to the partner is: “I feel badly about this, and I don’t want to hurt you, but, I’m not “in love” with you anymore. “I love you but I’m not in love.” This often indicates:
1. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.
2. The person “looking for love?? is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
3. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love?? is the panacea for my emptiness.
4. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull?? in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word.
There are many many subtle differences in affairs. Emotional affairs are only one kind. Once you begin to see and understand the differences, a new sense of empowerment overtakes you embark on a more confident path of resolution.
This type of affair is one of seven is one of seven described in Break Free From the Affair.
I too have a husband of 20 years who had an emotional affair. He hadn’t seen her in 30 years. Ran into her at an aniversary party for her parents in montana – thousands of miles from home. Shortly after returning home, he began saying all the same things. I don’t love you, we’ve grown apart etc, etc. I found out about the affair when I hacked his email. I also watched his cell phone records. Reading highly sexual emails between my husband and another woman and seeing the number of phone calls daily was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, but then it all made sense. What a jerk! They never actually met again to take things further — he just wanted to have a little sexual fantasy. He never would admit to anything until I confronted him, firmly, but without anger. I simply told him that I knew everything, and that if he didn’t want to love me I would find someone who would. That was much harder than it sounds, but by that time, I was prepared to tell him to get out. It was positively liberating and it helped me regain a sense of control of my life. Soon after that conversation he said it was over and he loves me. I called the OP and told her she was being lied to — that he never intended to leave me. Of course she didn’t believe me. I also told her to stop calling MY husband. Then I told him he had two choices: (1) he calls her (with me on the phone) and tells her it’s over and don’t contact me ever again; OR, (2) he writes her a letter saying it’s over and I read it AND I mail it. He made the phone call. Therapy was the best thing for us. He never would have called it an affair — he just kept saying ‘nothing happened’. Our therapist nailed him on that and told him there is no other name — he had an affair. The therapist also told him the only way he (husband) could repair things was to try to understand and feel my feelings. They worked on that a long time and it helped to hear him say how guilty he feels. He asked for my forgiveness. It was devasting and a year later still struggle to trust him. There is a lot of damage to repair and I have no idea how long it will take. I hope to have a better marriage someday.
I am so sorry for your troubles and no, we are not alone.
Carole
P.S. I don’t believe anyone should tolerate continued contact with the OP. Be aggressive about that, but be prepared for a reaction. Get spyware and put it on your computer. Stealth makes a good AND invisible product.
Hi from Spain,
My boyfriend had an affair for about a month and now she is pregnant, although he says that he always used a condom. He will do the test if he is the father, but there are still some long months to go.
As I think that he is a mix between “cant say no” and “needs to be desired” now I am scared that I was using the wrong ones, putting more input on the last one. But he is more tending to be cant say no, as she is calling every day, tells him to call her at certain times, asks for kisses on the phone and he gives them and now she is insisting that he flys to Germany tomorrow to see her. Since he is back in contact with her he sleeps worse again and just feels to have the fault for everything and is very very distant. He follows her like a littly puppy.
As usual he works abroad, but was working from home for last two weeks now although he should have gone to the other place where he usually is. I thought this to be a good sign, as well he is helping a lot at home right now, something he had hardly done before. But next week he is due to begin working on an island about 2500 km away, and if he really flies to Germany tomorrow, our last weekend, I fdo not know what to think any more.
Which are some laser phrases I could use?
Thanks a lot
Christiane
Like most experiences on this blog, my story is long an complicated. I shall try to keep it as concise as possible.
I have been married for 26 years and we have 2 children (24 and 21). I am a typical small-businessman – my wife is an airline stewardess. Due to our lifestyles, we have always said that we need the space to be somewhat independent – indeed, this was one of the reasons why we thought we were a good match when we married – within a year of meeting each other! We felt comfortable about being without each other. No explanations needed; no jealousy. We even went as far as to agree that, should a one-night stand occur, this need not be the end of the world.
Five years into our marrige, my wife fell hopelessly in love with another man. With the help of councelling we managed to get through it and stayed together. Two years later, I found out about a second affair – more a one-night-stand. Needless to say, this left a huge scare in our relationship, especially as I had begun to feel that we were back on track.
Two weeks ago I found out about yet another affair. This time it was far more of an emotional type. Initially, I was told that this was because I had built a wall around myself after the previous affairs and she needed somebody to talk to. This was a neighbour who frequently visited the house during my absence, which I knew about and condoned. It is extremely difficult for me to understand exactly what happened. On the one hand, just talks over dinner, at home, walks in the park etc. On the other, I discovered secret emails etc. with intimate connotations (I miss you etc.) My wife said that there was no sex involved, just talking. When I asked why it was necessary to become so secretive, she explained that the things they talked about and the frequency (sometimes twice per week) made this necessary. She said that neither of them want to leave their partners – their relationship was filling the emotional gap they have with their partner. She did, however, agree that they were having an emotional affair, which has been going on for years but had intensified during the last year.
We have talked a lot during the past weeks. It has become clear to her that her perception of the wall surrounding me was in fact the result of her own detachment.
The really crazy thing is that we have followed the basic rule in this situation: Ask yourself what you really want. And we both agreed that we do not want to leave each other. We shall start counselling shortly, which may help us to achieve our wishes. I am sure that most readers will think I’m flogging a dead horse – time will tell. All I do know is that on each occasion I have been devastated by deceipt and the feeling that I am not good enough. Until a feeling of trust returns, it will be an uphill struggle.
Dear Robert
Isnt it amazing how love has our hearts in fists that just cant let go even if its for the best. I only hope for you that by the time your heart has been squeezed to death that you have something left in you to offer to someone else because if it has continued to happen then I suspect it wont stop. I dont say this to discourage you or redirect what you are trying to do. If this has happend so often maybe there is something missing that you may never find here but can find elsewhere and you will be living on hope for the rest of your life. Plain and simple affairs ruin relationships because if there was something wrong before it happend theres even more wrong or missing now. I only hope for you that you can save yourself in the end. Im not even sure if I did at this point as everyday is a huge struggle just to exist in this life.
I can’t believe how many of the stories above I could have written myself. This blog has helped me so much knowing that I am not alone in my situation. All of your stories will help me be strong.
In the past 1-1/2 years, I have discovered my husband in two (that I knew of) emotional affairs, one that was non-sexual, and the other that became sexual.
The first one with with a long time client and friend with whom I had always promoted the friendship. I have two male friends of my own. I always knew she had a crush in my husband, but knew he wasn’t interested in her. How surprised I was when just recently, their relationship became so friendly that they had secret emails, spent hours on the phone, had pet names for each other, and all of a sudden, I was not invited along with they met for dinner. Finally he admitted that he had allowed the “friendship” to go way beyond where he was comfortable, and was glad I found out because he didn’t know how to stop what was happening.
OK, that’s one. Then later, he started acting funny again. Taking care of his appearance, being gone a lot. He started working out at the gym three nights a week, and his workouts would last from 5p.m. t0 10:00 p.m. Who works out for 5 hours?? Well, maybe he does, I told myself.
Then, by some strange fluke, a blessing to me, one day when he was supposed to be headed for the gym, my cell phone beeped me with a message. When I listened to the message, there was an entire conversation betweeen my husband and a woman that had just taken place, because he was repeating a whole conversation he had had with me when I was at his office moments before he’d left for the “gym.”
So I called him in his cell right away while he was still with her and said, “You’re not at the gym, you’re with a woman.” Of course he said “what are you talking about, bla, bla, ” And I couldn’t believe the fast-thinking excuses that came out of his mouth. It was his neighbor at the office, etc. And at that moment, I realized what I good and fast liar he could be. I had no idea. I had always thought that he never lied to me (how foolish you can be, even if you think you’re smart).
Anyway, to make a long story short, he says it wasn’t an affair because he was helping her with a problem she was having with her husband, and even tho they had sex three times, it wasn’t really sex, even tho he penetrated, and climaxed. I guess his rationalization is that the sex was disappointing for him, therefore, it wasn’t sex.
I went and got my divorce papers ready, then he pleaded for me to give him another chance. That’s what I’m doing now. I made him have her call me so I know it’s over. She’s terrified I’ll tell her husband.
But here’s the strange thing. Even tho I have been willing to forgive him, because our own sex life has been non-existent for some time (we are in our 60’s, but that isn’t the reason, we started sleeping in separate rooms when he started snoring), I wanted to initiate our sex life again, but HE is the one who has been unable to do so. Isn’t that a switch?? I don’t know if I can ever trust him again, but without the sex, it’s for sure I can’t.
I can’t believe what I am reading in this blog, and how it relates to my situation. My wife of 27 years has throught the past two years becoming very distant to me. Her interest in sex with me is totally gone. I have been trying to talk to her about it, but she would be vague. Then I began to recognize that she would talk to me about conversations that she would have with one of her agents at her office. These conversations were centering around sexual experiances the agent (he was recently divorfced) was having. I told my wife at the time how could she be comfortable about that. Once, I was riding in the car with her, and he called, and my wife was actually glowing. And she kept talking, knowing I was seeing this going on. I recently looked at our cell phone bill, and she has had over four phone calls with him that were over 30 minutes in duration. I tagged her on this, and she said it was just phone calls. Now, I have noticed that she is everynight, deleting her cell phone call log. She says she is a “social butterfly.” For a 48 year old woman, my wife is very attractive, and she dresses to accentuate this. And it is not just one guy she is doing this with. There are several.
Dear Rob,
As an experienced cheated-spouse, I have but one advice for you: Trust your gut feelings! If you feel warning signals, tehn they are there! You have a long relationship with an attractive wife. She knows this, and those around her appreciate her. If she is not receiving the things she wants from a relationship with you, and can find this elsewhere, then she will go for it! In my opinion, there is only one way you can handle this, and that is to confront her with your concerns – get it into the open! But not by accusing or mistrusting her. And don’t accept the classic response “It’s nothing”. If you feel it’s there, tehn it is, even if it’s only in your mind! The only way you are going to avoid getting into trouble is by giving her more attention, compliments and warmth. This is what wives want more than anything else. If this does not work, then the problems are probably far deeper and you should look for professional help.
While I haven’t had the time to read through all of the comments above, it is amazing to hear all of the different stories and scenarios. Whoever said that affairs are complex was not kidding. I’m not sure if there is anyone our there who’s in the same boat that I am but if you are I could certainly use a shoulder. My wife has been having an “emotional” affair for the past ~6 months. I suspected something was going on and could see a definite difference in her actions towards me in the last month and a half. I caught her (I’m not going to reveal my methods but let’s just say that it’s admissible in court) sleeping over at this guys house – she told me at the time that she was staying at a friends. She was devastated to say the least when I confronted her and I was outraged. This happened 2 weeks ago and while I only have hard evidence of this one occurrence, she admits to one other time 3 weeks earlier only because I threatened to call that friend whose house she stayed that night and she said “please don’t”. She says that nothing happened at this guys house and that she slept on the couch but a) I do not trust her and b) I wasn’t born yesterday. The multitude of emotions I am experiencing is overwhelming. We have been married for 22.5 years. We started seeing a counselor last week and my wife indicated that she retreated into a “survival” mode 10 years ago to keep the marriage together “for the kids” and that now she hasn’t felt anything for me for a long time. When I look back over the years I guess I can now see the remnants of this survival mode but I also remember good times as well (we went to the islands for our 20th anniversary with no indication of any lack of feelings etc.) Over the past 10 years we have had ups and downs and while our relationship was not anywhere close to ideal, her survival mode kept the relationship civil and non-confrontational. While we have continued to have physical intimacy over the years there is no doubt that we have transgressed into a functional rather than emotional relationship. I’m not saying that this is acceptable but really how many “Hollywood” relationships exist in the real world? Yes I will admit that I have been emotionally aloof over the years and am perfectly willing to step up to the table and claim responsibility for “my actions” (or lack thereof). But, from what I have read, a relationship is between 2 people and both of us need to be accountable for the terrible place that our relationship has evolved into. Maybe I’m being selfish when I say this but I don’t think so ?” in my opinion she needs to be held accountable for her recent actions and as far as I’m concerned if she truly wants to keep the marriage together (which she says that she does) then she should be asking for my forgiveness every day. And while it may not be on the same order of magnitude I too need to ask for her forgiveness for my transgressions over the years.
I told her that “we” could not possible have any chance of surviving this if the OP remains in the equation. I told her that similar to the fact that she made the decision to betray me (I will NEVER claim responsibility for that), that she needed to end the affair. She says that she has and breaks down into tears (Oscar winning performance or sincerity?) but again I’m not sure that I believe her. It’s like I took away her play toy and she doesn’t know what to do. I feel that we are at an absolute stale mate – she doesn’t want to have sex or open up to me until she feels my love towards her and she falls back into love with me. And I feel that the pressure is on me to change (even though I wasn’t the one who did the betraying) and that if I show any modification in my behavior, even if it is centered on me trying to learn and grow to be a better human being, it will come across as reactionary and will be viewed as justification for her infidelity. I desperately need someone to talk to.
Dave,
So sorry to hear about your situation. I was in the same situation as your wife about 6 years ago. I felt very lonely in my marriage and I worked with an outside consultant for a few months. He was divorced and very nice and attentive. It was the first time in my marriage that I’ve ever been tempted. But our business relationship ended and I did not pursue anything. I knew in my heart that I needed to stay with my marriage until it was ended and not complicate it with someone else. So I begged my husband to go to counseling-He refused. So when my twins went off to kindergarten and I was home alone (I worked part-time), I decided to have another baby. She filled the void in my life. Unfortunately, she didn’t fill the void in my husband’s life. We got involved in church and in a Sunday school for married couples and I thought that it was really helping us-everyone seemed to have the same issues (women felt like servants and were overwhelmed with household responsibilities and men felt neglected and were workaholics). Our communication seemed better. But 1 & 1/2 years ago I notice his behavior changing and he told me he no longer loved me and wanted out. I was floored. I had felt like our marriage was on track for the first time in a long time. It didn’t take long for me to figure out he was seeing someone else-actually a pretty good friend of the two of us. I’ve confronted him when I had proof and he swore he’d stop seeing her, then I’d catch him again, etc. Not sure yet if she’s out of the picture. I guess time will tell. I know he feels embarrassed (he has a lot of moral integrity or at least had) and wants to move forward. But we have gone to counseling together and in a lot of ways our marriage has really improved. He’s doing the things that I desperately wanted him to do 6 years ago. But now there’s a lack of trust and anger on my part (though I try to keep it hidden and work it our through counseling on my own). I know he does love me or he would have left me for her. I’m also reluctant to throw away 19 years of a relationship (married for 17.5) and tear my family apart, especially when my children are young (10,10,4). Will it work? I honestly don’t know. I guess it depends on how willing he is to change. When I found out about his affair I took the blame completely and changed and did everything and anything I could to win him back. I do believe that our marriage was lacking or he wouldn’t have gone elsewhere. However, he still had a choice. He didn’t have to cheat. I didn’t. I deserved a fair shot without anyone else in the picture. Yes, your wife is wrong, but I do believe you both need to change. However, don’t become a doormat. I did for about a year and all it got me was knots in my stomach. He also treated me anyway he wanted because he knew I’d do anything to keep him. That’s not a marriage. I read Dr. Phil’s book “Relationship Rescue” and did the workbook and it gave me great insights into myself. Because no matter what happens in this marriage, I need to be happy with me and I need to make myself a whole person. If your wife hasn’t left you for the other person then I’d say that she still has strong feelings for you. She’s just not sure if you do or not. My counselor told me – You can always walk away, so give it some more time. At least I can look at myself in the mirror and look my kids in the eyes and say I did everything I could to keep my marriage together. And if he’s still involved with the OP then time & God will reveal it and I can walk away with a clear conscience. I know it’s hard, but just give it more time. What else do you have?
June,
Thank you so much for replying. Even though I know that this is about as impersonal as it gets it truly is great to hear from someone. I have been “put down” by my wife for years and I guess I lacked the guts to stand up for myself. I’m not a pyschologist but I imagine I have issues of fear of intimacy and she has issues where she needs to be in control all the time. I came from a family where we learned to “live with it” and not upset the apple cart. I am an engineer and very technically oriented. While intimacy is not my strong suit I know that I can change, the question is will she see this and will she also want to change. I too have read Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue book as well as several other e-books etc. The fundamental bottom line is consistent – I can only change ME and no one else. I am a great person, I have just never taking the “Love 101” course so I am at a loss for how to learn to be intimate. I’m hoping that she will see this and instead of degrading me, work with me to help me learn. The other thing that I have read which makes sense to me is that while I am not to blame for her infidelity, I am partially to blame for her feelings and setting the stage for her to look elsewhere for whatever she was not been getting from me. Thank you for your wisdom – I can tell you without a doubt that I will not become a doormat! It is very hard not to “react” to this situation but I too am trying my hardest to take the high road in an attempt to work this out. I too want a clear conscience and I want to show our kids the right thing to do when trying to resolve conflicts.
Another remarkable thing that I have read and discovered is the concept that you reap what you sow. In other words, not only do I get back the level of intimacy that I put into the marriage but so does my wife. Perhaps one of the reasons (but certainly not the only reason) that there is no intimacy is that she doesn’t express it towards me. I hope and pray that some day she will get this as well but I’m not holding my breathe. I (or should I say we) have just signed up for an interesting alternative to counseling. We have only just started it but I’m going to suggest that you look into this program as well. I’m not sure if this is taboo or not but the program is called Marriage Fitness and can be found at http://www.marriagemax.com. As much as I have issues just like everyone else, I am a very, very even keeled person and so I certainly get the idea that this will take time. I am also a diehard optimist (I suppose I would have to be to have stayed in this relationship that has been on hold for so long) and I feel good that she has agreed to take this course with me. I believe that the OP has temporarily left the picture so I am going to try as hard as I can to look forward and not backwards. I only hope that my wife can do the same. Thank you so much for listening.
Dave,
Thanks for the advise. I will definitely check out the site. I think that it’s a great sign of commitment on her part if she is willing to do this program. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you enjoy your holidays.
I’ve been married 13 years and just ended an affair with a man I work with. I didn’t have sex with him, but we would make out and there was a connection with him that was truly remarkable. We talked constantly and spent alot of time together, too much! I have learned through counseling that the connection I felt with the other man is what I really want with my husband again, and we are working on it. He found out by overhearing me on the phone with a friend talking about ending the affair, the day after I had ended it. I was going to tell him after the “dust settled” at work. However, now the other man is still claiming to be in love with me, and I can’t get him to leave me alone. I refuse to quit my job though, so I’m trying to figure out what to do. I won’t cause problems for him at work either, as he wasn’t totally at fault here. I also flirted and let things get out of hand. I am recommitted to my marriage, and realize now that I have the best husband, who truly loves me. I am so angry at myself for hurting him!!!! I read the last comment above mine about Marriage Fitness, I’ve been receiving those emails and newsletters too and it sounds wonderful. I think we’ll try that program as well. His Daily Tips are amazing. I just wanted to comment here that my kind of affair is in my opinion the worst, because it robbed my family of all the attention I could have been spending on them. I can’t believe I was that selfish, stupid and gullible to that man’s words. I LOVE MY HUSBAND and will never allow another man to get close to me like that, nor do I believe in “harmless flirting” or “just friends” anymore – it is an excuse I used also!!! :(
Deb,
I’m curious. What made you quit with the other person, especially since you hadn’t been caught? What made you realize what you had and decide to commit to it instead of the OP? I’m so glad to hear that things are working out for you but I would say, as the offended spouse, that if it really bothers your husband that you work there, then I think that for the sake of your marriage you should look for another job. My husband ended his affair, but continued to work with her and it soon started up again. I was unaware of it, but it bothered me greatly that he saw her everyday and it prevented me from healing. Later she was fired, and even though the affair continued, at least I didn’t get pits in my stomach every time he went to work. Just a thought. Good luck!
Deb,
Thanks for your honesty. I truly hope that my wife will also change and believe in me again. I now know that I want and need to change but not so much for her or our relationship but for me. As I said earlier we have only just started the program so we’ll see what effect it has. It is a remarkable feeling to have a place to talk about these issues. I think that this has definately helped me realize that of the two solutions in front of us, we either work it out or we go our separate ways, either way I will become a better person. If you have any words of advise on what seemed to work for you that would be great to hear. While my wife seems to be willing to go through this program, she also seems to remain obstinate in her lack of remorse or willingness to be held accountable. I know that I cannot and will not force this issue but I simply need her to know that for me, to have any chance of closure and movement forward, I desparately need her to show me that she understands the order of magnitude of pain that she has caused.
To Deb
Hats off to you for knowing you made a mistake and realizing it soon enough before more happened. You are so brave to come here and tell us all this. I respect you in that you are a real person to have come to this so few do realize and acknowledge their own doings. You are one in a million and you should be proud that you could look inside yourself the way you did and be honest about yourself. I think things will work out for you because of the compassion you showed to your husband and even if it doesnt for some reason, someone with compassion and a conscience like you have shown will definately be an asset to someone else. Everyone makes mistakes its in the realizing them and fixing them that shows who we truly are so be proud of yourself for that
Hi June, I stopped seeing him because I realized it was just infatuation, a fantasy, and that I was being very selfish getting attention from and giving attention to, this other man – purely for my own needs. I also realized that if I didn’t end it soon, I’d have to actually sleep with him – and I didn’t want to do that, I’d just been involved for the emotional closeness (what I stupidly thought was friendship) and things got out of hand, cuz that guy really knew how to get me going….(love letters, compliments etc) once I started feeling turned on by him and wondering if I was falling in love, that actually woke me up and I began to feel guilty and ashamed, though it was hard to stop seeing him. I realized that my husband and I fought so much more because of my actions and guilt, and I hoped that if I would put my focus back on him, we’d get better. And we have!!! Last night we ate out alone at a nice italian restaurant without the kids, had a glass of wine, toasted to “us”, and made out in my mini van, lol. This is all I’ve TRULY been wanting: more time alone with and attention from my husband. CLOSENESS again. Since we’ve been going to a therapist she’s been helping me with my self esteem issues and with communicating our needs better, and we’re both doing great listening and following through. Both partners must listen and DO what’s important to the other. I have found I wasn’t the only one neglected, he felt the same way. I thank God —- my husband really does love me!! and I really do love him!! I feel horrible, just icky inside, for what I did allow to happen, what I am so glad it didn’t go further. I read all these stories about emotional affairs being the worst kind, and I sadly agree. It’s been so hard to work around him, not because of feelings, but because I hurt him too, and he’s still “pining” for me. We really were great friends, until things got out of hand. I’ve had to get over losing that friendship too. I’d quit or transfer, but my position and hours are perfect, and I get along with all my coworkers. I am going to look after new years to see if another job somewhere would closely match what I have there, and if so I will gladly change jobs. I just hope that wouldn’t make my husband think I wasn’t “strong” enough to work around that man, that I still had feelings??
Thanks Deb for the reply. I admire your convictions & commitment. I think if you positioned it correctly, your husband would not think you were weak. I know if my husband had fired her (she was one of his employees), and told me it was b/c he really loved me and didn’t want it to be an issue of hurt for me, then I would have greatly respected him for it. Instead, I had to wait 8 months until I accidently discovered that it was continuing & then his business partner fired her and almost left the company. Ah, well. At least she’s not at work anymore and I didn’t have to see her at this year’s company Christmas party. I wish you all the best!
I found out about my husband’s affair last April, and I believed him when he said it had all finished. But he wouldn’t kiss me or put his arms around me or try and make it up to me. I did all the wrong things in the book – then he said he wanted a divorce and now he’s trying to raise the money to buy me out of the house. Every time he’s nice to me he drops a bombshell. On my 50th birthday he was very nice (no present, only a card, but I thought it’s a start) then he said he had a loan from the bank and would I accept it as he had to know that week. Now his solicitor says it has to be sorted out in court (or so he says). I can’t believe a word he says and he wonders why!! He says he doesn’t love me but he wants to be my friend. I try to charge neutral but it is very difficult.
Well we had the best Christmas ever, because I appreciate my husband in ways I never truly did before, even after all our years of marriage. I guess he became like wallpaper, there but barely noticed or appreciated. But now I feel completely different. I am getting to know him all over again (and he is me also) and our communication has never ever been better. I have spent a good deal of time looking at our family albums and home videos, remembering all our wonderful times, and looking forward to many more. Why on earth did I ever think for a split second that I could ever find better than what I already have? Why did I let another man get close to me emotionally when I had a great listener, my best friend, right here? I have so many questions about my selfishness and stupidity, and my therapist is trying to help me figure these things out, and rebuild our foundation and trust. My husband and I have already survived through so much – we even made it through the loss of a child, a stillborn, and went on to have another – we can and will make it through this. I am learning to truly appreciate him again, and how to show him my love. I’m learning that showing him my love more, is bringing out the good in him, and inspires him to show me more love and attention, which is what I want :) Happy New Year everyone! Just a couple months ago my marriage seemed doomed and now we are making happy new year plans and vacation plans for next year! Praise God for my forgiving, understanding, loving hubby, who I will never hurt again. Love, Deb
Deb, so glas things are going well for you and so glad you realized what you had b/f it was too late. Best of luck to you!
Karen, so sorry for what you’re going through. A lot of guys are nice to their wives when they’re having an affair b/c they are acting and it is only temporary. He can be nice for a few hours b/c later he’ll be with her. It’s not real and it’s not sincere. It’s pathetic and it’s dishonest. Trust your gut. If he really loved you, he would be trying and I bet if you checked, you’d find he’s still involved. He says he wants to be your friend b/c he’s trying to let you down easy and trying to get out of the marriage. I think you’re in for one heck of a roller coaster ride. My husband was like that summer of 2005. Denied involvement w/anyone else though I had my suspicions. Wanted to be friends, etc. but go on his own way. It was tough. But I rode it out. Unfortunately I’m not sure if the ride is over. Time will tell. Be strong for yourself and take care of you. Don’t turn into a doormat. You deserve better and if he’s not going to treat you right and be faithful then he doesn’t deserve you. Best of luck!
It has been very interesting reading all the cautionary tales of the damage an “emotional affair” can do to a marriage. I’m a man who has yearned for an emotional affair or a physical one and yet I have always resisted my desires for either. My wife is totally uninterested in me (or any other man) sexually and our marriage has so many taboo areas that can’t be discussed emotional intimacy is tepid at best. I have been celibate for over five years and have not been kissed by her in a sexual way for more than 15 years. I dream of kissing. I do not have close male friends (I have many friendships withboth men and women but none are close. Only two women are even aware of the state of my marriage and both are long-term friends who are too honest and strong to engage in even an emotional affair – which is probably why I can at least confide in them once or twice a year. I still love my wife. I don’t think she loves me but she still likes me most of the time. We have children I love and would never want to hurt. I have no solutions.
Deb: Was glad to read your post,as my husband of 29 years, says he was seeing someone, but no sex was involved, she was 20 years younger and he knew her through business. He met her at chamber meetings and town meetings and she began calling his cell phone and he is very easy to talk too and has a well loved personality and everyone is drawn to him. Anyway she began calling him everyday to talk about her work and fill him in on town business and stuff he loved to hear about, then she began to compliment him on how he dressed and how handsome he was and fun to be around, then the phone calls become more each day. She then began to set up meetings where just him and her were and finally one day she kissed him and told him she had wanted to do that for so long. He decided not to tell me about it, and she kept up with the phone calls but this time asked him if he would like to meet her somewhere alone. So they found a spot in the woods and she said in his car and they talked he says for about 1 or more twice a week. He says she tried to make it go further and asked him for sex but he refused, this went on for 7 months, then he finally came and told me about it. Because her husband found an email she had written him. What do you think about all this. Thanks
I’ve read all of these and it has been enlightening. After having moved to a new city, leaving behind all friends, family and connections, all of my new contacts in the new city being through my husband, I became isolated and very intensely alone. I work at home at a job that is unsatisfying and yet all this time, about six years after we moved here, I thought I was doing ok. Talk about denial. I had one affair which was very brief and very humiliating for me. I was basically abused by the guy, which caused it to end and sent me into a deep depression last summer. After that, I began to get involved in a message board online, met someone who pursued me…this time I thought, no way am I ever going to do that again – so I was very upfront with the guy about being married and all of that, and yet somehow in the end we ended up having an emotional affair that lasted about six weeks. It ended because my spouse was annoyed by my being online a lot, so he went into my e mail account and discovered all. A lot of arguing and terrible things happened afterwards, and my online guy basically cut it off with me and my husband is now divorcing me.
It has left me in a position of being in this city alone, no support or meaningful friendships, and has left me feeling utterly rejected and in terrible, terrible pain. I brought it on all myself and of course I am accountable for my actions. At the same time, I feel angry that my husband has never felt empathy towards me for being so alone and has never even worried so much about how I was doing during the day. I am also surprised at my own denial…it must be a very powerful thing. I had no idea how unhappy I was until now.
So, to those who are either involved in an affair, you might want to take a look at what your life would be like if the other person suddenly left. What would be left is what…boredom, a void, emotional pain of some sort? Perhaps if you concentrate on fixing those things rather than self medicate by having an affair, you might not need to have an affair in the first place.
I wish I had known that earlier. Now I am deeply alone and deeply unhappy and have lost both guys. All I ever really wanted was to feel that someone truly and honestly loved me for who I am…and most importantly, to be able to give that love back.
Peace and good luck to all.
-confused.
I have a question which I would like to put at the top of a chain but perhaps that is not how this site works. The question.
My wife went to the Carribean. Flirted at the bar Mon night with someone she’d never met before, emotionally very sexual but just a little touch. Tues they went for a long romantic walk on a moonlit beach, lots of hugging, kissing, French kissing, all initiated by her, including the walk itself. It was described in her diary as totally awesome, a WOW kind of night. Was invited to his room but she declined but was very pleased with the invite. Wed night went to his room about 2-4 AM but mostly just talk. Th in his room again after midnight and she laid on his bed and there was lots of petting including her genitals. She then came to her senses and left.
My question is what do you call this? Is it an affair or not?
CVB
Cathy
Having just come thru a situation where my wife repeatedly underplayed, a lot, what had happened in her affair (see letter above – she repeatedly insisted they had only briefly held hands and hugged, only a diary uncovered the truth), I would assume he is lying. You just do not spend all that time in a car and just talk, the pay off is not that great. I would confront him and say this coming weekend he either tells you the whole truth and nothing but or he leaves. Preface it with your love, support, you will work it thru whatever happened, but also that radical honesty is absolutely essential to saving your marriage. Tell him he has one chance. If he confesses to any thing less than serious petting he is lying, in my opinion.
CVB
I also discovered that my husband has been lying to me everytime I ask him about names in his phonebook. Then I accidentally opened his cell phone and read amorous messages. I asked him from whom the messages came from but he lied again only to find out that the two numbers in his phonebook were from my co-teacher who was also his classmate in college. Then he started hiding his cellphones but I would take it out when he was already asleep. Although his cellphone would have empty received and sent messages, yet when he was drunk,he couldn’t erase them. My world sunk when I found out that the calls were very lengthy and he would lie again. I confronted both of them and he promised never to do it again. The once brave “friend” behaved like a tame dog. It took several months before it got out of his system. I do not have a very intuitive feeling now but sometimes the hatred for both of them still lingers. It seems that when trust has been abused, it is difficult to trust again. Sometimes I feel that I don’t love my husband anymore. I just need his company.
I was involded in an “emotional” affair that did turn physical. My now ex-husband and I were married for 4 years before I stared the affair. The other man was someone my husband was good friends with but I didn’t really know all that well. My husband and I soon started hanging out with the other man quite often and I then in turn got to know the other man very well. We soon became friends…we would talk on the phone mostly..at least for the first few months…then it turned to us meeting each other behind my ex-husbands back..usually to talk. He was going through some tough times with his then wife. I guess to me at the time it seemed innocent..but looking back on it these type of affairs seem to happen so gradually that it’s almost hard to read or see any signs of it as it progresses. Of course not all emotional affairs turn physical, but they can be just as damaging. To this day I’m not sure why I did what I did..maybe I was insecure..maybe I was bored. I don’t really know.
My fiance/boyfriend had multiple emotional affairs with the women he worked with – all married teachers in the Puyallup and Tacoma, WA area! One became physical with a married teacher 3 days after one of our many breakups. They were “friends” for months, i never knew about her, but she knew about me. They confided with one another and slowly he pulled away. He denies to this day it was cheating. Then he had another emotional affair with a woman he dated and then she did marry someone else. They flirted and I caught them flirting sexually one day. I nearly threwup. As a single male teacher in a dominant female environment, he had his pick. He likes the chase, the feeling of flirting and then turns to them for that high instead of his partner (me). And then he says the relationship isn’t working or we are not compatible. Duh! He would sneak off and see other women and have drinks with them after work and never tell me or invite me. One, with whom he spent a weekend with at a Jazz Festival in Ellensburg, he used to date for 9 months and they remained “friends”. He would lie to me where he was and say that I was jealous when i would ask or get upset that he never told me beforehand or invited. “Friends” were kept in a silo and I never met one until 2 years into our relationship. That is because they were all ex-girlfriends. He has no authentic relationships with a female or male. I also caught him talking and seeing another married teacher friend whose husband was in Iraq. He never told her he was engaged. He never told her he had a girlfriend and when he talked about what he did that weekend with his son, me and my son was omitted from the conversation. Pretty sad. Then he lied to me about going out one day. He met her for lunch, got drunk, spent 4 hours with her and NEVER mentioned me! And he says he never cheated on me. He always keeps ex’s on the side when he has no one else to turn to.
Obviously he is very insecure, emotionally unavailable, a destructive man. He also suffers from chronic discontent/major depression, he’s a winner!
my marrage just ended after 18 years. the damage to our kids is tremendious. my ex had an emotional affair that she still will not admit to with a public figure. funny how it all makes sense when it ends..