Confronting the Teacher – Student “Affair”

You read about it in the newspapers rather frequently, the student – teacher affair. They are obviously extremely messy when made public.

At their core, this affair may fall into the “I Need to Prove My Desirability” type of affair. Long standing patterns of thinking, welded together by past sexual trauma of some nature (usually buried in the unconscious) create a scenario in which a young man in this case, becomes a powerful trigger for emotions.

I could go further here and there are more reasons for such an affair, but let’s leave it at that.

The important consideration here is the action of the husband in intervening.

In the affair triangle there is a persecutor or aggressor (the wife in this case) the victim (the young man) and the rescuer (the husband, in this case.)

Charging neutral usually means that the wounded spouse refuses to play any of those roles. The wounded spouse may make direct, reality oriented statement and strongly declare his/her position but avoid the other roles since those roles tend to perpetuate the “affair game.”

However, in the case below, it is important that the wounded husband take a strong role in intervening in the affair. This is done to minimize the hurt and pain of all parties and get the intensive help needed for his cheating wife. He is not only protecting the young man (who is in a position of powerlessness) but offering to his wife the possibility for healing… if she will take it.

Here’s the case study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

This was a high school student (21 – older than normal) that my wife taught for 4 years and fell in love with. I confronted him a year ago when I first knew something was amiss, before I had known it was already physical, and asked him as one man to another to stay away and allow my wife and I to reconnect. I reasoned with him that would he want his girlfriend to have another male as a “best friend.” I was encouraged to confront him by my Bishop–the young man needed to know that he was affecting the lives of five children. It was by phone. He felt bad, terminated the relationship–but about 6 weeks later my wife pursued and “tempted” him to start it back up again (she was massively emotionally attached). I spoke with him another time, after I read the first e-mail that confirmed–to my horror–that a LOT more was happening that I ever suspected (motels every week, leaving school early to go to a motel, meeting behind the Home Depot, etc., etc.). He denied it completely but I plead with him to stay away. He did, for about 6 weeks. The next confrontation was by phone when my wife stayed in a motel for a week during valentines week to “sort things out.” I came by the night before she was to return to make sure she felt welcome just as he was entering her motel room with a key. I was very upset and my wife talked with me in the hall and he slipped out the window (bottom floor). I then called him and pleaded with him to stay away. He was belligerent (for the first time), suggested we “fight for her,” and said she was pursuing him. I even mentioned I would tell his folks, he just didn’t care. Things went up an down. I took my wife and kids to Hawaii to get away–she stayed away for six weeks. This summer I took my wife and two older boys to Paris and London. Two weeks afterward, I suspected she was going to see him (she has lived in her own apt for 4 months) so I went over to talk with her. I checked her window to ensure she was awake, but saw she was dressed down in a teddy and putting on perfume. I moved away and was just trying to figure out how I proceed when the kid showed up sneaking around the back before I even got to the door. In this case I approached him, he smiled at me and then pushed me when I got close (last time I met him I just put my arm around him (I am 25 years older) and pulled him aside to talk. I could have called the police or let him take a shot at me like it appeared he would do. So, I figured he had initiated it and I decked him (really hard). When he got up he started running and I ran after him (been working on a marathon to remove the stress). He finally got away (lucky for me–he’s a bigger kid). My wife “found me” as I was walking back to my car and convinced me to talk. I told her it was time for a divorce and painted the terrible picture of what was going to happen (as a teacher of this kid her consequences were not just divorce). She finally knew that I had had enough and was throwing in the towel to our 17 years and five kids (who she would loose). She called me the next morning and finally confessed everything that had ever happened. She couldn’t believe her life and what she had become and that she was crying all night. She then proposed a reconciliation plan which included getting rid of her cell, moving back in, and affair proofing her marriage. She also went to our Bishop (LDS) and confessed everything to get it out into the light. That was 1 1/2 weeks ago. Today she said to bring the van over to pick up her furniture from the apartment. It will be a LONG and difficult road back… if we make it. But this is the first step in a year long battle of my life. There are dynamics I don’t understand. One confident was proud of me and said she finally saw her husband as her protector again–knowing she was about to do something really bad and being saved just before she did it. The kid may have also just told her he had had enough and I got her back out of default. I am still scared to death and am cautious with each step–but this is what I have waited for… just the chance. We’ll see what happens. In the meantime, I am still holding to the changes I made when I realized the problems in my marriage so I am a different person for her to come back to (I wasn’t “bad” but I worked too many hours, had to many hobbies not in common, didn’t do my fair share with the kids and would get angry (cold, not violent) when she was cold to me. Now I charge forward neutral, discover her needs and meet them, and try to stay positive in this mess. We’ll see…

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She is back in our home

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I did everything I could imagine using several different approaches. I would not do anything different except maybe “chase” this kid away sooner and give her a chance to go through all the withdrawals enough to get her sanity back.