Another case study in the series: Should I Confront the Other Man – Woman:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
I contacted her to let her know that he had been lying about the true state of our marriage. I also wanted to confirm some of the dates and statements he had made to me.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
She is a Filipino in the U.S. military. I told her that if she hung up on me, my next call would be to her Commander. She did not hang up. I asked her for the time line of the affair, some of it matched up with what my husband had said, some didn’t. I asked if she knew he was married, she did. I asked if she cared that he was married, she didn’t. I asked how she could inject a married man into the lives of her children, she had no answer. I asked if the affair was over for her, she already had a new ‘boyfriend’. I told her what I thought about her, heard her broken English responses, and told her that I felt sorry for her.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would handle the whole situation differently. The moment I found out that he was cheating, I would have severed all contact, bankrupted him, and divorced him. I regret every day that I wasn’t strong enough to step out on my own. I think I sent a horrible message to my sons (it is ok to treat your wife and family disrespectfully) and worse message to my daughter (this is normal, to be expected and tolerated). If I could go back in time, I would tell the broken-hearted me to get up and do what needed to be done to salvage my self-respect. I have none now, nor do I expect to have any.
Coach’s Comments:
This affair is not over. By that I mean this person needs to find a way to embrace herself and treat herself with kindness and respect. Once she is able to do that, to learn from the affair experience, then she will be free from self-loathing. I wonder if she can care for the “broken-hearted me? If she can, a new and vibrant life will emerge for her.
And, she is probably more courageous and strong than she gives herself credit for. Did it not take courage to confront the other person in the way she did? She certainly didn’t roll over and play helpless.
The “throw him/her out” motif is what most of us think we will do – before the act of infidelity occurs. But, it’s easier said than done. We have an investment. We fear the loss and the transition. Many factors make it a very complex situation. So… take it easy on yourself.
Someday you will be able to smile.
Thank you for saying that it’s ok not to throw him out. I hear constantly from several of my friends that I should “clean his clock” and be over with it. But I have invested the best years of my life with this man. I made a commitment for better or for worse. With the help from your ebook, I realized that I can no longer be mired down in all of my husband’s muck! I am taking care of me and the person that I used to know from a year ago, is beginning to emerge again, stronger, more independent and happier. I cannot berate myself for my husband’s actions, nor will I. Has my husband broken my heart? Oh Yes!! It was hard to even function on a daily basis for a long time. Do I think I taught my daughter that affairs are to be tolerated? Good question…I haven’t figured that one out yet. I do know that she thinks I’m stronger and smarter now. I do know that she has more respect for the spit-fire woman that I have become now. So, maybe I didn’t teach her that affairs are ok, maybe I taught her that sometimes in life, you have to fight for what you believe to be right and in doing so, you find something inside yourself that you didn’t know existed.
I too confronted the other woman, if you can call her a woman. She is married and lives with her husbands parents. My husband gave her the impression that he had money. Not knowing it was my side who had the money. Now he is 900 miles away, he has lost his 23 yr marriage-respect of his 3 Sons-his brand new truck got repo’d-and now he has lost his Career. He tells me that she isn’t there anymore but I don’t believe him. As for me, I’m busting my butt to save our home and land, I have money in my wallet, which I never had with him. I wake up every morning enjoying life. I don’t have the stress of worrying what my husband is doing behind my back, he “was” a truck driver. It took me almost 25 years of the cheating-lying-physical and mental abuse before I woke up. There is greener pasture on the other side, please trust me on this. With the Help of God-my loving Family & wonderful Sons I know I can make it and not have to walk on eggshells 24/7. Everyone say’s I have a glow about me…maybe so. But finally i’m out of Prison, a sad way to explain my marriage, but that is how I feel now. You don’t have to put up with the distrust of someone you love. If I can break free after 25 years, anyone can. Thank You for your Time, Karen