Life is a journey. I know, a trite cliche.
How about: We never “arrive.” As long as there is breath in the lungs we soak up the events and emotions of life, respond internally and externally to them and learn.
Each crisis, such as infidelity, is a seedbed from which new awareness, hope and strength emerge.
The person in the scenario below describes her learning process.
The first time of confronting the other person (or more accurately, venting on the other person) was not by the book. She was not whom she really wanted to be. But… and this is a huge but… she seemed to feel better.
In that process, as ugly as it was, she discovered, at some level, in some way, personal strength.
Later, reflecting on her behavior she had the insight and courage to learn. The second time around – if there was one – she would respond in a way that would do honor to her.
Here’s the story:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
1st time: Purpose: I found husband & OP together at his office, I confronted both of them in shock. I was flooded with emotions, I abused both of them in anger, I called her a scrag, ‘scanky bi#*h’, I was crying. Her response was, ‘don’t lower yourself’ in tears and frustration I made it clear that I possibly couldn’t be any lower so what does it matter what I say to you. Confrontation 2: Over the phone about 2 months into their affair. (My husband was still coming home at 6am to do breakfast and help get kids ready for school and of an evening would come home for dinner & leave after kids had gone to bed, to go to her) Purpose: Phone call to ask her what she thought of situation. She was very disrespectful, her comment was ‘if you had looked after your husband he wouldn’t be doing this.” She also pushed my buttons by saying “Do you think I’m the first girl he’s had an affair with?” I told her that regardless of what my husband said you, as girls we have morals and married men are ‘no go,’ I asked her if she thought she could fix our problems by having an affair with my husband? I also told her ‘what goes around comes around’ and that I can’t wait for this to happen to her because she deserves it. Confrontation many times after this, I was acting very irrationally and engaging with all sorts of thoughts in my head and began making prank phone calls to her and hanging up, I would do this to really annoy the hell out of her even though it was doing me more harm as I kept re living and engaging with the drama of this affair.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
What happened was it became very clear that I knew everything or a lot of what was going on between them, it wasn’t so much a secret anymore and that I knew that their little game was over but knew I had to be careful because it could develop into another form, a stronger bond. Mostly the calls would end with me telling her what a sl#t she was, and how dare she ruin the lives of my 2 young children. On the last occasion I told her that they deserve each other. The outcome: I have to say I felt better. I vented all of my anger onto her (not my husband for whatever reason) I know it’s not healthy but god it felt good to let her know what I really thought and to say a few really crass words to make her feel guilty, angry and ashamed. (the exact 3 words are how I felt through it all) My husband and I are now back together and we are much stronger and happier than ever before, we are still the same but so many shifts have taken place that I know I’m a much better person before the affair took place.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
If I were to rewind the tape to the point where I found them together at work I don’t think I would do anything differently. I said and felt everything that I thought was the best at that point in time, even if it was irrational. If my husband was to have another affair I would certainly respond differently, I’m a much happier, healthier person and my new found strength would allow me to walk away with head held high and my two kids in my arms and I know that we would be okay. I certainly wouldn’t contact the OP because I couldn’t be bothered, the affair would say too much about my husband not me and I would be glad to get out of that horrid situation. Yes…sometimes I have fears and anxieties that it will happen again but mostly I feel free of those emotions….thank goodness
I just went through a horrific time last April/08 when I finally got solid evidence of my husband’s infidelity. His cell phone kept beeping ‘message waiting’, so I picked it up thinking it was one of our three daughters needing to get picked up from somewhere, his cell phone was locked…unusual I thought, but then I remembered him telling me that he used my birthdate as his pin numbers??!! I punched in my birthdate and lo and behold one sex message after another came up….I went into shock, numbness. I ran upstairs sobbing and crying, my eldest daughter ran after me and I threw the cell phone at her all the while screaming “I knew it, I knew it all along!!!” I had tried several times over the year to get him to admit he was having an affair, he would always say it was due to his heart surgery why he couldn’t make love anymore?? Like the trusting spouse I was I believed him. My daughter then called this OP and when she answered she handed the phone to me and said “deal with it mother”, so I spoke to the OP calmly even though I was raging inside, I asked her for how long she’s been having sex with my husband”, of course she pleaded “he’s my friend!!”, women always have to make friends first and ensure trust before they will have sex. They had met in August 2006, began having sex January 2007 4X a week. she was a single parent of 3 teens, he had lost his job, was recoving from heart surgery and became depressed, he was ripe for an affair…I was working my butt off trying to keep his stress level down due his heart problems. Paying all the bills, dealing with all the household issues and teen girls issues etc.etc. This left him with a great deal of time on his hands, hence he began meeting this stay-at-home parent for coffee weekly, it progressed to sex every afternoon and continued until I found out about it. I showed him the door the same day I spoke to her, she was adamant that he didn’t love me, that he loved her and in her words “i”m in love with him, he’s in love with me and your in the way”, when I confronted him about speaking with her, he literally fell on his knees in shock…??? He packed his bags and she came and got him. the story then gets kinda twisted, because he began stalking me, one of our three girls would not let him walk away from us, she just kept visiting him at his girlfriends house and reporting on how our household was running…it irked me and her and I had real issues over this. To make a long story short, after 6 months of separaration, we decided to try and repair our 24 year old marraige, she continues to attempt to get him to start up with her again…I live in fear, suspicion and mistrust…..=-(
It can get better if he puts forth effort to gain your trust and you put effort to forgive and not let the hussie gain access to your head & heart. I know easier said then done. I’ve gone through a similar situation. I outed her on a public internet forum. She called my home and said she was picking up my son, I told her if she dared the police would be waiting for her. I found out (through an investigator) that she had similar stalking issues (sleeping with married men) and was an alchoholic.
Through it all, my husband pleaded for me to stay with him. To forgive him, everyday is a struggle but I know all the years we have spent together (18), he loves me. What is more important, this incident changed me, I am more confident in my own abilities. If he chooses another woman again, I know I can walk. God doesn’t close a door without opening a window. Take heart.
Trust me, you are better off letting her know that there are consequences for chasing something that isnt hers. IF he is not really yours, just because you are used to a pair of socks you love, doesnt mean there aren’t better ones out there. There are lots of hookers and skags out there that like to chase things to improve their ego, and disguise it under other pretenses. You are better off letting him go to the dirty skag to learn the lesson himself; if he begs and pleads, make harsh conditions, but never compromise your pride, it just isnt worth it. If you have a dog, give him to his bitch.