This is another story of confronting the other person. My thoughts on this scenario:

1. Being in shock is usually not a good time to confront the OP. The confrontation is knee-jerk and may have dire consequences. The consequences in this scenario were not so dire (she was able to control her rage) but the confrontation did not help either.

2. After reading dozens confrontation stories it appears that confrontation appears to work best if there is some sort of alliance with one’s spouse or if the cheating spouse is ambivalent about the infidelity or is on the way out of the affair.

3. Approaching a confrontation is always best if the focal point is on your needs, your strategy, your care and maintaining your integrity. If the confrontation is reactive, not much good can occur.

The healing for this woman took place once she was able to shift her focal point away from “what he/they did to her” to her own internal striving to find peace and worth (her connection with God.)

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I was in such a state of shock I felt compelled to see the person my husband had chosen to derail our 36 year relationship. I wanted to confront her and let her know there was no more hiding what she had done to our family, and tell her to stay away from my husband.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I sent a text message from my husband’s phone (as though from him) asking her to meet me (him). She invited ‘him’ to come to her house because they (she and HER HUSBAND [he knew, too and they had been ‘working out’ the 3-some arrangement–she’d had many affairs and they had both been ‘swingers’ with neighbors–ugh.]) were up. I told her I didn’t want to see her husband tonight, only her…so a 2 am, she drove to the meeting point to see my husband, and when she drove up, I got out of my car, got into hers, introduced myself and said, “I understand you’ve been sleeping with my husband. I want this to stop and for you to stay away from him. She hung her head and said “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.” I told her my husband would have to make up his mind, because I would not share him with her, and would not stand by and allow their relationship to continue. Then I left–went home and was awake for the next 3 days. I felt like my husband had hit me with a sledge hammer. I was like the walking dead for a long time.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

In a way, I wish I’d been more forceful and (in my fantasy–I wish I’d crushed her like the snake she was!!) But that’s not me. I tried to forgive him and talk things out, tried to believe he was still the wonderful man I’d loved all my life and he would do the right thing to save our family. For 7 months we went to counseling–but he secretly continued to be with her. He lied, she refused to stay away from him, and I learned I was not prepared to cope and handle things in a rational way. I tried to be super wife, and as he continued to deceive me I became more unraveled. I simply could not wrap my mind around the fact that he had changed so drastically under her influence. He never actually told the truth, they ran away and he went to work one morning and never came back. I had to work very hard to stop loving him, to accept the reality that he was not the same man, and father that we had known and loved. They lived together for 4 months before she was divorced, and 4 more months while we were still married. They hid, he could never speak to me face to face. Text messages!! It sickened me to see his cowardice, because he had always been my hero. We divorced in 2005, they married in 2006, and he’s still not happy, but afraid to leave her and have to deal with financial and emotional issues again. I’m stronger than I thought, more peaceful and happy than I had been for years, and healthier–without the stress-related illnesses that had plagued me for years. I learned a lot of other things about myself, a realistic look at how things had changed over the years and I had resigned myself to accepting a less than satisfactory life. Life is good now, and God is my center instead of my husband being my ‘god’. It was a blessing–but a VERY hard lesson to learn.