Confronting the Other Woman: Filling in the Blanks

Confronting the other woman gives hope that details and the status of the infidelity relationship can be assessed.

Please read and leave comments below…

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

It came as a response to my husbands-no contact-letter to her, ending a 25yr emotional affair that was very one sided. i was present for this letter and added a note as well.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was angry, very angry. she said she felt like she was being accused of something she didn’t do. that she only responded to my husband out of friendship. she contacted him again and told us this. i found the letter before my husband and responded to her first.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I know I would have asked her more or perhaps better guestions as to the extent of my husbands contact with her over the years. he has been very limited in his disclosure of the affair. i would ask her why she didn’t send him packing when he went to see her, contacted her, what she got from his attention to her. why she cheated on her husband with mine. if she realised what she was doing each time she asked my husband to tell her he still loved her.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Secrecy is one aspect of infidelity. It truly makes it infidelity in the sense that collusion between two people against one rules. Secrecy, from my experience, is what makes infidelity crazy-making. One loses ones sense of balance and perspective – can I trust my inklings and intuition?

2. There are grey areas. What is the nature of the above “infidelity” relationship? We’re not sure from the information given. We can assume there was something (it was one-sided and her anger indicates a fairly heavy investment of some sort.)

3. The more details one acquires, the more power one has to make appropriate decisions and act wisely. As the above woman indicates, move beyond generalities. Ask specific questions. Ask them until you can visualize in your mind exactly what happened with the players. Ask charging neutral. If you can’t get details that may be a huge red flag. Or, your spouse may lack the skill or capacity for full disclosure. Let your intuition be the guide there, and trust it.