The first question to ask when confronting the other person: “What am I dealing with?”
In this case study, the other woman initiated the contact with the wounded spouse – with much venom and hostility.
Why would someone do this? To break up the marriage? Possibly. To project rage? Possibly? To force the cheating husband’s hand? Possibly. Because s/he was high? Possibly.
If you feel a need to “fight for your turf” beware of the potential for escalation and nastiness. You don’t want to find yourself in the middle of this game.
Also, do a strict evaluation of your cheating husband’s mental health. Is he in any way colluding with the hostility of the other woman? If so, be extremely careful.
In the scenario below the wounded spouse set some firm boundaries (I will call the police) which worked. The other woman backed down.
And then, the wounded spouse decided to pursue. Wise? I wouldn’t recommend it. Takes too much energy and has too many risks. Why give her all that power?
On the other hand, the wounded spouse had the alliance of her husband, which gave her more ammunition (and safety) in the confrontation.
If you do not have the alliance of your cheating husband, don’t go anywhere near this confrontation.
Case Study:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
The other person was calling my cell phone and home phone and would not give her name, but told me she was “f888ing my husband for three years!” She had previously left unintelligible messages on my cell phone, saying I was stupid and ugly! I told her I would find out who she was and hoped that it was good with my husband. I also told her if she kept calling, I would contact the police. No more phone calls. After going through cell phone bill and saw her number and found out who she was, I called her. I wanted to let her know that she was a dumb ass and she was a fool to mess with some one as intelligent as me.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
I confronted my husband first and he confirmed who she was. I knew her, she had babysat out older kids when they were 3 and 5. Our kids were 17 and 19 at the time of the outing of the affair. After contacting her, she hung up on me, because she was scared that I found out who she was. I had thrown my husband and all of his belongings out of the house and I called her again, telling her she could have his sorry ass! She did not say anything. I then told her, if she ever called my house again and speak with one my children, she had spoke to my daughter, I would beat her ass! Never heard from her again and that was three years ago on 7/10/08. My husband and I separated for 1 1/2 months and when we reconciled, I wrote the other person a letter. I showed this letter to my husband. I let her know that she had only a small piece of my husband temporarily and that I felt sorry for her and not to hate me because I was beautiful! I also, let her know that she was of no significance in our lives and that there was no need to reply, because as far as we were concerned, she did not exist.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would have still called her, but I would not have told her she could have my husband. I said that in anger! Everything else I did, I am proud of. If the other person had not contacted me first, I would not have called her. She opened up that door and invaded my space. So, I felt I had the right to confront her. I learned not to make the affair about the other person. My husband was accountable for everything and held him responsible, not the other person. No way was I going to make her feel like she played some significance in my relationship with my husband. Too many windows had been opened before and it was time to close all of them! I directed all anger of the affair towards my husband and not the other person. As far as I was concerned she was just a fleck of dust, not important.
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