There is often no obvious game plan when confronting infidelity and the other person. Confrontation often depends on the kind of affair a person faces and other factors.
Confronting the other person can be a beginning point, for discovering one’s internal strength as this case study points out:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
The op was a bank employee. We both had accounts there. When I found out I went down there closed my account and told her if she wanted my husband she could have him when I was done with him. She repeatedly told me that they were just friends. I told her just friends is not 15 phone calls a day back and forth & him at her house behind his the wife’s back. A friendship I would of known about then why all the secrets.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
Nothing. They continued this for one year now. All the time my EX is still denying it. She called me just last week and I filled her in with everything from this past year. I thought we were working on things but she informed me that they have been a couple since last year. He continued with me for the past year also. I should of spoken with her earlier and dumped his ass earlier. I think she gave him the boot also (for now).
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
No. I felt some relief telling her off and letting her know what kind of woman she was to interfere in someone’s 20 year marriage. If she was any kind of woman she would butt out and see what happens. But she didn’t. Now I feel like I got revenge. Maybe now they can hurt like I did. It is over for good now. Knowing the truth finally will give me the strength to move forward. I can say that I hate him for doing this to me.
Coach’s comments:
1. Where does one begin in claiming one’s strength? In exercising that strength? The spouse in the above scenario used confronting the other woman to find some of her strength.
2. Granted, her strategy leaves much to be desired. She was unable to charge neutral. She did not give much forethought to her intervention. She was most concerned with venting and spilling her anger.
3. One fairly positive outcome was using the other person for information on the status of that relationship. The spouse obviously was getting very little input from her husband. That relationship seems doomed, does it not?
4. For all of us, there is a starting point. Give this spouse credit for taking action, although she would have benefited by standing back, getting some coaching, doing some research, reading and study to determine the best path – and then take action.
I think one of the saddest things is that we, betrayed spouses, do not start reading about infidelity, confronting the OP, or about any of the tools we need in dealing with the devastating affects of infidelity until AFTER it happens as many of us are innocent in the fact until it surfaces or the discovery is made. Then, we are so overwhelmed we handle much of it wrong until we get our feet back on the ground & look at it clearly with an open mind and see it for what it is.
My husband’s affairs were over the internet, but just as devastating and shattered my heart as if they were physical affairs. Each one lasted about a year and as he retired from the computer business hid them very well on the computer…and they became quite emotional as well as the cybersex, etc. I felt emotionally raped, as so much of our lives were shared with the OP’s…pics of our home, my job, pics of grandchildren, etc. These were all affairs with younger women who were married and they were very eager to send their nude pics, etc. I was shocked to the core as I had no reason but to believe we had the “Best” of marriages…best friends, lovers, spouses. He fooled me well….and was very good at keeping it compartmentlized.
The only way it was discover after five years of internet infidelty was an IM came in at the wrong time…I clicked on it (not even knowing we had IM) and there was the message of love….”running my lips over yours, etc.) I fell to the floor in shock!
I confronted one of the OW by e-mail. I was 55..she was 37. She proudly brought up her age & how they were “just friends.” It was really quite hateful on her part as I was just trying to put some reality in my life. I read the IM’s and emails after having my husband bring them up (he was sick..hanging over the commode throwing up) and both were lying through their teeth about being “just friends” and the words, “just a game, fantasy, etc.” All I wanted was the truth and from the naked pics of her, love letters between them (she lived States away)…I was getting nothing but the run around.
I finally wrote her and told her since she had a minor daughter, was sending nude & graphic pics…my daughter worked for Child Protective Custody and I would turn her in for the porno she had sent because I did not know if her daughter was there as she had the pics taken. (I know, drastic threat that I would have never carried out) but I was desperate for any info on what had been going on in my life. She cracked…finally came clean about my hubby being there to listen, blah, blah, blah. I then called her husband….and sent him the e-mails. He was so nice and said, “I am so glad you let me know…there is nothing like living in the dark.” That was my problem…I felt like somewhere along the road someone should have let me know what was really going in my life…instead of me living in a dream world with a man I loved & adored. The other woman & her spouse are now divorced.
My husband & I have recovered and moving on…but I will never to this day understand any of it. I feel as if five years of my life was ripped away from me…I’m still healing in my own way….and it has been hard. I’ve always been an outgoing, loving person with so much joy in my heart. Our sex life was great…the emotional bond between us – I had no reason not to think we were very close. Amazing…my husband was the one to always say “there would be no cheating in our marriage from day one.”
Our history has been changed…I have changed….like I said before..I only wish we read these articles with a clear head and not after the damage was done and we handled so many things wrong. The good thing is…if we have a friend going through it…we do have the info to share with them now and can help them from handling things in the wrong way.
Thank you for all you helpful insight.